A Little Venting

We all aren't blessed with strong, supportive families. The kind that call you out of the blue to see how you are, to check on you when they haven't seen you in a while, to care about what battles you may be facing. We all aren't so lucky. Ive dreamed about being part of families like that, I often think back to when I was going through my turbulent years as an adolescent,  that fateful 8th grade year that scarred me. I think what if someone reached out  to me, an overweight 14 year old who was dealing with humiliation and low self esteem on a weekly basis because of school, what if  my grandmother called me, or wrote me a letter and asked how things were for me, what if people noticed I wasn't hanging out with my friends as much and was constantly in my room, what if people tried looking deeper as to why I would sneak up at 1 in the morning on school nights and binge eat, instead of just chalking it up to being fat and greedy. What if during those years post-graduation someone reached out to me to ask why I had become such recluse, and rarely left the house for four years.

What if someone cared enough about me to realize it might be hard being such a big guy in a thin world, what if someone reached out to me when I was younger and took an active role in helping me get healthy, instead of judging me and criticizing me. I wonder if someone had cared enough for me long enough, if it would have made me care about myself, and maybe I could have lost the weight a decade ago.

This is a very emotional post for me, I broke down several throughout writing it. Sometimes its hard for me to escape the fact that Im the fat black sheep in the family. Ive watched as my brothers got attention and praise, and just general interest, that I always just wanted small share of. I never mattered enough. In middle school I used to tell my friends how popular I was because of my cousins, and how they thought I was cool. And a part of me believe that for awhile, but when me and my Friends got into a huge fight, they revealed to me that the same people I thought respected me, and liked me, were making fun of me behind my back like a common stranger. For so long I had looked like a fool to my friends, because they couldn't bare to tell me for so long, but in the heat of things the truth comes out. And that's truly when I began to really feel the separation from my family. I always had this distant feeling like I didn't belong, and it intensified after that event.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, its just somethings I needed to release, after reading a certain letter.