Oh Boy...
As usual a recap of yesterday, first. I skipped Breakfast, it was so early, and time got away from me. I had a late lunch since I forgot my bag of pretzels, for lunch I had a leftover piece of baked pork chop, the rest of the spinach, and the last garlic bread. For dinner I had a personal pan pizza, it was depressingly small, it looked like something from a easy-bake oven! But surprisingly, it did fill me up.
Report Card
Diet: Good.
Exercise: I got a new video, Leslie Sansone's Walk Off The Pounds Express, Super Challenge, which is a 4 mile walking workout. I unfortunately only got 2 miles in before I called it a day. She gets into some of the more elaborate moves sooner in this one than she did in the 3, so that was kind of cool.
Sleep: Good. Went to be at 11 again, and again slept well.
Mental Health: Good.
I set my alarm clock to 630am for this morning, and that was when I was up, I got up and was situated by 7. How did today go at work... TERRIBLE. We were suppose to be doing computer training which could take anywhere from a day to four to finish. But shortly after clocking in we were handed box-cutters and were led to different zones of the store. Apparently they were delivered a truck of product last minute (or something) and there was a ton of product needing to be unboxed and put on shelves.... So instead of doing my computer training, and instead of running a, or training for, cash register, I was out on the sales floor all day opening boxes and storing items.
For a while it was fine, but there was a lot of bending over, and that was a lot on me, and honestly being expected to understand the department numbers, categories and sections in a mostly vague 2 minute explanation, was ridiculous. I often forgot what number I was suppose to be putting a certain item with, or what series of numbers made the category or section. It was giving me anxiety, the whole experience was, I was actually working with a lady I never met, and of course anytime you stick a vet with a newbie, they are unhappy, she treated me nice, but took some subtle digs at me (when she didn't think I was in range) when someone asked how it was going.
Then the pain arrived, I was about an hour and a half in when I could feel it creeping in, I kept saying to myself "maybe this is the worst of it, I've lost weight, it has to be different", it was all down hill from there. By 11am I was issued my first break and I was glad to get off of my feet, because the pain was starting to skyrocket. Heres where the day became miserable. During my first 15 minute break, I drank a cup of water, and sat and just kind of looked around, didn't think of much, except how time seemed to be moving at an accelerated pace. Before I knew it I was back on the floor, that 15 minutes felt more like 15 seconds.
Ever step I took after that break was misery, and having to bend down so frequently didn't help the matter, my feet were on fire, my muscles started getting tens, my legs muscles just above the knees start to tighten, almost like a cramp, I began to enter my dark state, and bad thought accompanied my pain. By the time my 30 minute lunch was scheduled, I was totally defeated, my pace dropped down quite a bit, my enthusiasm gone. I focused my negativity on two thoughts, one: why hasn't my weight loss done anything to improve this, why! And why was my leg muscles tightening up like that, part of walking and my workouts affects those muscles and for the better part of two months I've done at least a mile, once a week, but up 13!
I felt like I have failed, I waited too long to start this journey, and now I have to suffer, not just the mental pain from my weight, but the physical. Eventually 4pm arrived and I was off, the massive walk to the backroom to clock out was agonizing, but not as bad and having to cross the entire store to get out. My feet feeling like I was standing on a hot skillet with bubbling grease, or cooking oil, it was as if I was deep frying my feet. Every footstep towards the doors broke my spirit ever-so-much. Finally I was out the doors. I had to hunt for my moms car, forgetting that I decided to be dropped off at left wing of the store this morning, so she obviously expected me to exit there too. So that wasn't fun, she was literally at the other end of the parking lot from where I exited. I got into the car and we rode in silence for a while. I was quite upset she didn't ask me how my day was, and was quite hurt, so I simply asked why she hadn't asked, she told me she could see it on my face. Fair enough.
Now I'm home, have been for awhile. I'm laying in bed, which I actually don't do much during the day anymore. My mom rubbed my feet with some pain relieving cream earlier, and that was hell, and as I lay here completely off my feet, it feels like I'm still standing on them, shooting lighting bolts of pain make frequents appearances. I actually just got a terrible muscle cramp, or charlie horse, in my right leg in the calf, that had me literally yelling out in pain. It lasted less than 15 seconds, but its the worse muscle cramp/charlie horse I can recall since being a teenager.
I am completely and totally dreading tomorrow. I don't go in until 4pm, I don't leave until 11. I'm having a hard time dealing with all this.
On the ride home I had some thoughts... What am I living for right now? It feels like all I'm living for is to be in this pain, and I cant seem to think of being without it, and I'm one day in, I'm backed in a corner. I don't dare quit, and try finding a job with a position I can work pain free, no, I wont go through the ridicule, and the judgement from the family. People think I should just suck it up. I fell like this job will be the end of me, and if it is, so be it! It seems like the only way people (certain family members) will understand my pain is if I completely succumb to it, well fine. Some of the strongest statements are made in death. It feels like the only way I can get through this is to completely embrace my misery, and the demise that may come from it.
I waited too long! This is my fault. The good news though, is with this new degree of manic-like depression Im sure to lose a ton of weight, because I cant see myself binge eating, today at work during lunch didn't eat a thing, why? I was too distracted by my pain.
Report Card
Diet: Good.
Exercise: I got a new video, Leslie Sansone's Walk Off The Pounds Express, Super Challenge, which is a 4 mile walking workout. I unfortunately only got 2 miles in before I called it a day. She gets into some of the more elaborate moves sooner in this one than she did in the 3, so that was kind of cool.
Sleep: Good. Went to be at 11 again, and again slept well.
Mental Health: Good.
I set my alarm clock to 630am for this morning, and that was when I was up, I got up and was situated by 7. How did today go at work... TERRIBLE. We were suppose to be doing computer training which could take anywhere from a day to four to finish. But shortly after clocking in we were handed box-cutters and were led to different zones of the store. Apparently they were delivered a truck of product last minute (or something) and there was a ton of product needing to be unboxed and put on shelves.... So instead of doing my computer training, and instead of running a, or training for, cash register, I was out on the sales floor all day opening boxes and storing items.
For a while it was fine, but there was a lot of bending over, and that was a lot on me, and honestly being expected to understand the department numbers, categories and sections in a mostly vague 2 minute explanation, was ridiculous. I often forgot what number I was suppose to be putting a certain item with, or what series of numbers made the category or section. It was giving me anxiety, the whole experience was, I was actually working with a lady I never met, and of course anytime you stick a vet with a newbie, they are unhappy, she treated me nice, but took some subtle digs at me (when she didn't think I was in range) when someone asked how it was going.
Then the pain arrived, I was about an hour and a half in when I could feel it creeping in, I kept saying to myself "maybe this is the worst of it, I've lost weight, it has to be different", it was all down hill from there. By 11am I was issued my first break and I was glad to get off of my feet, because the pain was starting to skyrocket. Heres where the day became miserable. During my first 15 minute break, I drank a cup of water, and sat and just kind of looked around, didn't think of much, except how time seemed to be moving at an accelerated pace. Before I knew it I was back on the floor, that 15 minutes felt more like 15 seconds.
Ever step I took after that break was misery, and having to bend down so frequently didn't help the matter, my feet were on fire, my muscles started getting tens, my legs muscles just above the knees start to tighten, almost like a cramp, I began to enter my dark state, and bad thought accompanied my pain. By the time my 30 minute lunch was scheduled, I was totally defeated, my pace dropped down quite a bit, my enthusiasm gone. I focused my negativity on two thoughts, one: why hasn't my weight loss done anything to improve this, why! And why was my leg muscles tightening up like that, part of walking and my workouts affects those muscles and for the better part of two months I've done at least a mile, once a week, but up 13!
I felt like I have failed, I waited too long to start this journey, and now I have to suffer, not just the mental pain from my weight, but the physical. Eventually 4pm arrived and I was off, the massive walk to the backroom to clock out was agonizing, but not as bad and having to cross the entire store to get out. My feet feeling like I was standing on a hot skillet with bubbling grease, or cooking oil, it was as if I was deep frying my feet. Every footstep towards the doors broke my spirit ever-so-much. Finally I was out the doors. I had to hunt for my moms car, forgetting that I decided to be dropped off at left wing of the store this morning, so she obviously expected me to exit there too. So that wasn't fun, she was literally at the other end of the parking lot from where I exited. I got into the car and we rode in silence for a while. I was quite upset she didn't ask me how my day was, and was quite hurt, so I simply asked why she hadn't asked, she told me she could see it on my face. Fair enough.
Now I'm home, have been for awhile. I'm laying in bed, which I actually don't do much during the day anymore. My mom rubbed my feet with some pain relieving cream earlier, and that was hell, and as I lay here completely off my feet, it feels like I'm still standing on them, shooting lighting bolts of pain make frequents appearances. I actually just got a terrible muscle cramp, or charlie horse, in my right leg in the calf, that had me literally yelling out in pain. It lasted less than 15 seconds, but its the worse muscle cramp/charlie horse I can recall since being a teenager.
I am completely and totally dreading tomorrow. I don't go in until 4pm, I don't leave until 11. I'm having a hard time dealing with all this.
Semi-irrational rant.
On the ride home I had some thoughts... What am I living for right now? It feels like all I'm living for is to be in this pain, and I cant seem to think of being without it, and I'm one day in, I'm backed in a corner. I don't dare quit, and try finding a job with a position I can work pain free, no, I wont go through the ridicule, and the judgement from the family. People think I should just suck it up. I fell like this job will be the end of me, and if it is, so be it! It seems like the only way people (certain family members) will understand my pain is if I completely succumb to it, well fine. Some of the strongest statements are made in death. It feels like the only way I can get through this is to completely embrace my misery, and the demise that may come from it.
I waited too long! This is my fault. The good news though, is with this new degree of manic-like depression Im sure to lose a ton of weight, because I cant see myself binge eating, today at work during lunch didn't eat a thing, why? I was too distracted by my pain.
