Demons

Thank you to everyone for your wishes and prayers in my last two posts it truly means a lot to me. It's been a hard couple of days and I'm still coming to terms with it, luckily I'm in a much better place now than I was originally, well... No, I'm  at least I'm in a different place anyways. I feel like this experience is already changing me, or will. Things just don't feel the same. I'm starting to feel like a cicada shedding its skin and leaving beyond a perfect mold, but a mold of truths, and they are possibly too hard too accept. This next bit is quite intense.




Yesterday I mentioned a picture of me I seen at my grandmothers, I think I mentioned in previous posts in the past that I was always a chubby kid, that I was never skinny, this is how I remember it for some reason. The picture at my grandmothers however, says otherwise.





This kid might as well be a stranger, but it's me, of completely average size. I remember being in first grade, I remember a lot things from earlier ages, but I don't remember being that size, it makes no sense at all. I starred at this picture trying to make sense of it, I look so happy, I'm happy just knowing that Ε‚once I was that small, it's a shame I literally don't remember it. I began to wonder, if I was 6 in that picture, than that throws so much of my  timeline of memories off. I was morbidly obese by 10. My rise to obesity was a lot more rapid than I ever imagined. I sat there at grandmas house thinking logically that it seems rather insane for a child to grow in size that much in that time-frame, and then just to continue. 

I suddenly looked at the TV it was on Lifetime Movie Network, this must have been one of my grandmothers regulars, there was some detective TV show on, I had a branch of thoughts that lead me to thinking of Dr. Phil, Oprah Winfrey, and Law & Order (find the issue, that made me wonder why I suddenly took on such intense eating habits. Clearly up until age 6 I was fine. So I started trying to do some inner-digging, and that's where I found them, the demons I tried burying with food 21 years ago. 


And here it is...

I was molested as a child by a relative, at that age. I knew what was happening to me was wrong I was naive about it too but I was too afraid to speak up, I was always afraid that it would become an issue of my word against theirs, and even as a small child I knew I could not survive that. This abuse went on for about a year and a half, then stopped. Then while dealing with this secret, I had to deal with an abusive brother who, when my mother went to work, would make me go stand in a dark kitchen corner at night for hours upon end for no reason, my feet would hurt, he would literally threaten to beat me if I spoke up, my mom always wondered why I was so emotional before she left... This same brother once threatened that if I told on him about something he did (from years before) that I would wind up dead in a dumpster. My brothers weren't always terrible to me, but when they were, they were truly vile human beings, and have unfortunately contributed strongly to the mess that I have become.

In that picture now I see a child who's past is riddled with horrible secrets, who at the moment of that picture didn't know of the horrors that were  just ahead for him. It makes me so angry. I know now that my problems are a lot deeper and bigger then I ever could have realized. Never as simple as I thought in regards to why I ate so much, but now I see, and I wish I didn't. I'm not sure how to proceed with this, what I'm  supposed to do with this information or what this is going to do to me long or even short term. I have all this and a funeral to consider! I am struggling to deal with it all. I wish I hadnt been such a weak kid! Everything is in shambles. I'm at a loss for everything right now.










I managed a drawing today.


Comments

  1. please please please don't blame yourself for any perceived weakness. an adult's job is, first and foremost, to protect a child. think about your beloved nephews: if (heaven forbid) anything like this happened to them, would you blame them for being weak? of course you wouldn't. Brandon, putting these painful and horrible pieces together is the first step in recovery. what happened to you when you were younger was out of your control, period. I don't know you, but if I was there, I'd give you a big hug, and have a good cry with you.

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  2. You were a kid. It wasn't your fault. I know that can be very hard to accept. But keep saying that to yourself until you believe it. It wasn't your fault. You were six years old. It wasn't your fault. Child abusers know how to manipulate children until they are scared to tell and make them feel complicit in their own abuse. It wasn't your fault. And your asshole brother was bigger and scarier than you and you were often left defenceless and alone with him. That wasn't your fault either.

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  3. This post really resonated with me Brandon. I was molested at age eight and immediately starting gaining weight. I have heard that many of us who became overweight/obese in childhood have had similar experiences. Of course we were naive; we were children and believed what we were told. I was molested by a teacher and he told me if I told anyone he would kill my brother. My brother was my world and I idolized him.

    I'm sorry this happened to both of us. Hugs to you.

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  4. Oh, Brandon. I'm so sorry to read this. I have no words for the hurt you must be feeling so I won't try to make it better by typing. You listen to these people here - they are right. This is not your fault. You are not guilty here. You are not. I pray and I will continue to do so that you will heal from this. That the demons will give up and leave you alone. That you will have victory. You can, you know. You absolutely can be healed from this. You can have the life you want. Do not give up. You are far stronger than you think. Many hugs to you.

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