Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm binging worse than ever. It feels like without food I'm nothing. Like I'm meaningless. Food is the only thing that gives me purpose. If I remove that, there is nothing left. This is part why I'm binging. Because I know my life has been wasted, I know I missed out on so much and now I'm 30, going on 31 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm a background character in everyone's life, even my own. Everyone else is living. But I'm only living when I'm eating and then wishing I wasn't after. It can only go on for so long.

My weight has shot up to 423. I'm officially fallen from grace I've officially gained 100lbs. At the time of this writing this is a weight gain story. I'm the guy who lost some but then gained it all back. I've always been pretty unfiltered on this blog, unlike on Instagram where I just don't feel I can or should be. That being said, I've been suicidal lately, lots of existential thinking with poor results. My psychiatrist who I seen today (12/14/18) wants me to do a partial hospitalization.  I'm not onboard. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself but I just know and feel it's eventually going to happen, like it's fate. It's just a gut feeling. In the rare times I'm enjoying a moment I'll l be ripped out of it because I'll remind myself that I won't be here in the end so what's the point of even enjoying this? (whatever this is at that moment). Almost like I have no control over what's going to happen. ...