Showing posts from December 18, 2016

The Chains Around Me Are Finally Breaking

So Christmas Eve me is upon us, and I've went from dreading it over the last month or so, to where I am now. Which is, I don't really feel a certain way towards it. I had plans to avoid all family gatherings, and I've decided to go to the one at my grandmothers house, as well as one involving my nephews & brother and the other side of the family. I won't know a lot of people at the second one and with my social anxiety it will be a challenge, but I've decided to go for it. All of my nephews be should at that one, also my estranged niece whom my brother is rebuilding his relationship with. My oldest brother is also coming to town so it's going to be really interesting to see how I handle all this. I feel like if I had not had some inner reawakening I would be taking a lot of this poorly in anticipation, but I'm still in my rather serene state. It really does seem like I've shed some kind of shell.

Eating this week has been good, I've been workin…

I Feel Like I've Awakened Lately

Something powerful has changed within me, I at times wonder "will this pass" and I reset into my melancholy like times before? Something tells me from within "no" it's me. There has been a powerful shift I believe since entering and leaving the Behavioral health facility, a profound change through inner growth from reflection and by facing some realities.

Yesterday my brother stopped by to have a talk with me about how I've been doing and to give me a lecture and pep talk combo about why I can't think about doing anything irrational like ending my life and why I must keep on with my weight loss, but not rush it. It was a truly powerful and passionate speech he broke down, then I broke down. He really laid down just how much the family would be effected by the loss of me, it was tremendous. I took so much from this conversation, he said so many things that struck nerves, like how he believed it was my purpose to lose weight so I could inspire and help ot…

And The Illusion Starts To Tear

Yesterday Nick and Melissa asked me to help them move. They are moving from their apartment here in town to a cozy little house out of town in the suburbs. I mainly moved boxes, it was lot of up and down stairs, I was sweating like a cow (because apparently they sweat a lot) and of course the headache came upon likely due  to dehydration from the sweating, which I think is the common link to my so called migraines. I consider the moving my days workout.

Melissa picked me up and she had a lengthy talk to me about how much her and nick care about me, I had nick pick me up from the hospital the day I was discharged so they were filled in on my hospitalization. She wanted to assure me I could always come to them to talk, but more importantly they would truly be devastated if any happened to me, it was a very nice reassuring conversation.
I've been in contact with one of my friends from the Behavioral health facility. I recently described my current state as serene, which I think is sa…

So Did It Help?

So the big question one might ask, did being hospitalized help? The answer isn't exactly clear cut. I'm not magically cured of my depression or anxiety or body dysmorphia, I'm not suddenly at my goal weight of 180 lbs, while I was there in the beginning it all felt a little redundant. Like it wasnt really catering to me, I couldn't quite see what I was to get out of it.

I finally started getting  my head together mostly through journaling and there were actually a few group classes that were beneficial too. I also started realizing how much I liked their time structure which gave the day fluidity. Breakfast was at 730am, the first group was at 9 etc. I decided to copy the format  down and structure my days with certain tasks or hobbies at various times to make my days more fluid. Yesterday was the first day of this and it was a rather successful run.

How have I been since Ive arrived home? Pretty good, taking it day by day.  I do feel like I'm in a better place, I …

Hospitalized Once Again

I've Spent the last 5 and a half days in a behavioral health facility or psychiatric unit of a hospital after seeing my psychiatrist last Wednesday. In short, I told her I  was suicidal and had a few ideas or plans but lacked the courage for follow-through. This lead to me being taken to the hospital via police transport. For the second time in my life I was in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, but this time it wasn't voluntary. This one was also  quite larger than the last one I had been to, with many more patients.

My anxiety was pretty high the first night, I was talked to by various doctors who often asked the same questions what seemed like hundreds of times, and there was this lingering feeling of shame just for being there. Now once again the entire family would know how unhinged I've been, and I'd much rather a lot of them stay in the dark than to know and continue not to give a crap. It was a lot more structured than the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were …