Brandon, Who Lives At Home

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.

I know everything I need to know, that there is to know about nutrition. Lack of knowledge isn't my problem, I know what and when I'm doing wrong and continue anyways. In 2017 in the first half of the year before summer I reached a peak low weight of 320 , actually, 318, but I round up in this case because I hit 318 once and 320 multiple times. That was likely the true low anyways. So yeah 320. My dwindling reader base may remember that every time I got this low I shot up 5-15lbs, then got back down and repeated. There was clearly something psychosomatic about my inability to go any lower. Something within did not want me to continue to get lower, but why? Was I afraid of the realities of things? Maybe I was right, maybe everything would change and my social bubble would explode and I'd be involved in more endeavors and doing more. Maybe that meant I was scared that I wouldn't know who I was going to become, that the person I knew would be erased and maybe peop...

I'm binging worse than ever. It feels like without food I'm nothing. Like I'm meaningless. Food is the only thing that gives me purpose. If I remove that, there is nothing left. This is part why I'm binging. Because I know my life has been wasted, I know I missed out on so much and now I'm 30, going on 31 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm a background character in everyone's life, even my own. Everyone else is living. But I'm only living when I'm eating and then wishing I wasn't after. It can only go on for so long.

My weight has shot up to 423. I'm officially fallen from grace I've officially gained 100lbs. At the time of this writing this is a weight gain story. I'm the guy who lost some but then gained it all back. I've always been pretty unfiltered on this blog, unlike on Instagram where I just don't feel I can or should be. That being said, I've been suicidal lately, lots of existential thinking with poor results. My psychiatrist who I seen today (12/14/18) wants me to do a partial hospitalization.  I'm not onboard. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself but I just know and feel it's eventually going to happen, like it's fate. It's just a gut feeling. In the rare times I'm enjoying a moment I'll l be ripped out of it because I'll remind myself that I won't be here in the end so what's the point of even enjoying this? (whatever this is at that moment). Almost like I have no control over what's going to happen. ...

In every train wreck there is a point when the wheels come off the tracks. That is the point I'm at right now. Its interesting, my blog doesn't get half the traffic it got earlier this year or last. I suppose that's partially my fault, I've taken writing hiatus' several times this year for extended periods of time, and I just haven't been as successful as I have been in previous years. All my trials are reductive, its the same thing rehashed to lesser or greater affect. My weight has been stalled for months, I'm not progressing. I'm all washed up and I think a lot of the original readers seen that and jumped ship. I don't blame them. Right now I'm back in my annual holiday dark haze, I'm miserable and unhappy and lonely, and, useless and ugly and its all coming to a head. I see my psychiatrist Wednesday and idk how that will go, I'm pretty unhinged right now. I've had fantasies of going on one last giant disgusting binge ...

You may have noticed my blog has been rather neglected lately, I just didn't blog in the last several  weeks,  but a lot has happened in that time. One day I went disc Golfing with some friends for the first time since I was at my peak weight. The first time I went, all the way back in 2013, was a nightmare. I just wasn't physically able to do more than 4 holes, I was exhausted from the small amount I did play, I decided that day I hated the game and would never do it again. It seems I lied. My friends asked me to go to weeks ago on a Monday and I reluctantly agreed. The experience was ten fold different. We spent several hours on the course hiking through various terrains. I managed to get through all 20 holes, and most importantly I actually had fun. The experience was a night and day difference from the first time I went. I changed up my eating routine for the umpteent time. It's working out quite nicely so far. It still involves drinking a lot of water, specially ...

Ive been in sinking state, my mood is questionable, I'm feeling super unmotivated I haven't been exercising regularly I haven't been sharp with my eating, I certainly haven't been disciplined. Im a mess. today I ate 12 cookies, worth about 600 calories total and  never mind the rest of the nutrition facts! I don't bother to investigate. I knew what I was doing, I binged, I just decided oh well , fully knowing after the last cookie I would regret it. Ive gotten weaker, and now and I'm most certainly going to end up paying the price for this on the scale come weigh-in on the 1st. I don't know whats going on, Im just not motivated. I keep pushing my exercises back later and later in the day until I decided meh, no exercises that day, and my eating has been... not great .I'm unmotivated and uninspired and this is just bad. Typically I would have gotten myself out of this by now, blindly, automatically almost, but I have gotten worse, I binged! Its onl...

I've Spent the last 5 and a half days in a behavioral health facility or psychiatric unit of a hospital after seeing my psychiatrist last Wednesday. In short, I told her I  was suicidal and had a few ideas or plans but lacked the courage for follow-through. This lead to me being taken to the hospital via police transport. For the second time in my life I was in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, but this time it wasn't voluntary. This one was also  quite larger than the last one I had been to, with many more patients. My anxiety was pretty high the first night, I was talked to by various doctors who often asked the same questions what seemed like hundreds of times, and there was this lingering feeling of shame just for being there. Now once again the entire family would know how unhinged I've been, and I'd much rather a lot of them stay in the dark than to know and continue not to give a crap. It was a lot more structured than the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were...

I'm just a little unwired this week. I obviously have a lot on my mind and I'm feeling the pressure of finding myself, finding  motivation, losing weight, but not just losing weight exiting the 300s, and just being more comfortable in my own skin. I know I'm gaining weight next week, entirely because I took in too much sugar. A few weeks ago I discovered Tim Tams, I didn't know they were sold here, I've seen some of my favorite YouTubers try them when they were visiting Australia, where the chocolatey coookie snack originates. When I noticed they had rather plausible calories, sodium and you get two per-serving I decided to get a package. Over a week or so I made my way through them, eating two a day after dinner, they were the perfect desert, absolutely no guilt.  No risk of jeopardizing the scale. Cate Blanchett eating a Tim Tam, because why not? Also if you haven't  seen Blue Jasmine I recommend watching it, stellar! The issue came when I figured ...

All this so called progress, just to potentially go so many steps back because of those crushing words...                   Today was a pretty good day up until that point. I came home this morning after spending the night over at Nick and Melissa's. I only just came out to them that night, it went perfect, as far as coming out goes it's been a incredibly smooth process. Everyone has been great about it. I came home this morning knowing I had to see my psychiatrist and my therapist. When I seen my psychiatrist and caught her up to date on things she was quite thrilled with how I've progressed, it's quite funny, I immediately thought of comments on the blog here as she said how I've come a long way, she was particularly pleased to see that I'm noticing faults like my distorted thinking and things like weigh-in day (which are Mondays) effecting my week. I've never seen my psychiatrist that happy, it ...

I spent yesterday in just an bad place, I can tell my overall mood is shifting into a general bad place once again. It's oh so familiar. I didn't go to that DBT group yesterday, I didn't do my dumbbell workout at home either, I mostly just layed in bed in a complete funk. I've been feeling very discouraged. Today I didn't end up going to the gym because my mom made a big about having to make so many trips for me (a whole three, gym, therapy, orthopedist) so I just said forget it and ixnay'd the gym all together. This sent me deeper into the current emotional low I've been sinking in lately. Feels like I win small irreverent battles only to realize the war can't be won. I'm  genuinely asking myself what am I doing, why am I doing this? I don't see myself getting to my goal weight so what am I really doing? I'm so tired of this cycle, I'm tired of being so unhappy, it really does feel neverending. I never seem to make a complete turno...

To say I am in awe at the person my brother has become is a bit of an understatement, but I had to think to myself of the now real possibility  that I've become the lone  letdown of a son. My brother has gotten a job in welding and is a hit at the workplace. Ever since he has come home he has talked about welding with a level of passing that is admirable, but I honestly wondered if it would actually last until he got to working. It has. The passion, and enthusiasm is still there if not more, he really loves what he does. He is even going to go back to school later in the year or early next year, to help further his career in welding. My other brother is now looking into the field while currently in Texas. He is currently a welder's assistant. He is going to take the necessary steps to be a qualified welder himself within the year, but is also looking into going to school for other things (that's the brother that's insanely talented with art), he is actually working ...

I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think  that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't ...

Today post work has been pretty boring, but that's kind of my life. I know Ill miss a day like today once I really start being a cashier and have to face that pain, but today was a good day, but this feels like the best of the best. I still come home lonely, I still feel insignificant, I'm still everything I was the day before, and hundreds of days before that. I recently asked you guys if I should get a phone and mentioned how social networking was rather bad for me, well Sunday I actually deleted my facebook account. I was just so tired of logging in and just seeing all the happy lives, and I know nothing on facebook is as it seems, but I still see people out with friends, going places, doing things, enjoying life, and then there is me. It was just toxic for me, I had to cut it off, maybe one day I will be able to use it in a healthy way, but for now its no good. Facebook though it isn't the big issue, its just this unhappiness, and feeling like I have no purpose. I...

I woke up earlier thinking it was trash day, I was wrong. I noticed how I have some lingering back pain, in my lower back. I was noticing yesterday as I stood how my back just started to feel more and more strained. My knees are also hurting and are stiff, I'm worried about my left knee, because its becoming clear the longer I'm on it the more problems I have with it. When I was walking to break yesterday I could barely lift it. Tomorrow is starting to feel really scary again, because I know I'm going to have to deal with three issues, my feet, my knees, my back. I was actually surprised this morning to discover just how swore my feet were, because when I initially got home last night they didn't feel so bad. I am not off again until Sunday. A 4 hour shift, then an 8 hour shift, then another 4 hour shift. I'm going to try to enjoy this day off though. I was thinking the other day how much I miss not restricting my food. Yesterday at work in the break room...

Amidst the chaos I hadn't realized we silently crept into March, the 3rd month of the year. Feels like I'm still stuck in February, its hard to grasp the reality of it. February was turbulent to say the least, with each week seemingly become more catastrophic. I'm failing this weight loss journey and that hurt, it hurts me in my core, it hurts me all around. This was the first year in so long I set goals for myself, for the time maybe ever that I truly set out to change my life for the good, for good. February was suppose to be the month that I really started seeing results, like visually, I was suppose to be able to look at myself and go yeah, I'm losing weight for sure . But that hasn't happened, every little success is surrounded in doubt, because I just cant see it, and if I cant see it, no one else can. Its March, and this month is looking like its going to be absolute hell, I have no idea how I will manage. I just don't know how long I can feel lik...

Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone. Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen) , I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again. You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet ...

We all aren't blessed with strong, supportive families. The kind that call you out of the blue to see how you are, to check on you when they haven't seen you in a while, to care about what battles you may be facing. We all aren't so lucky. Ive dreamed about being part of families like that, I often think back to when I was going through my turbulent years as an adolescent,  that fateful 8th grade year that scarred me. I think what if someone reached out  to me, an overweight 14 year old who was dealing with humiliation and low self esteem on a weekly basis because of school, what if  my grandmother called me, or wrote me a letter and asked how things were for me, what if people noticed I wasn't hanging out with my friends as much and was constantly in my room, what if people tried looking deeper as to why I would sneak up at 1 in the morning on school nights and binge eat, instead of just chalking it up to being fat and greedy. What if during those years post-graduation...

I'm thankful for this platform, I hope this doesn't feel like I've disregarded the support I've gotten from you guys. I honestly never imagined this blog catching on, and being of interesting to anyone. I never imagined Id have people from afar following along regularly, encouraging me and relating to the things I write about, its amazing This year, I was originally  supposed to have a partner in crime. My buddy Matt, who I met freshmen year in high school. He was supposed to embark on his own journey beside mine. Hes journey is different, he is quite thin, and he has issues with his weight, and like myself, he has been teased and made fun of because of his size, so like myself he has a lifetime of insecurities related to his image. We are visually the polar-opposite of each other, but are a lot a like under the surface, and shared a common goal; to make a transformation in 2015. His goal this year was to gain weight, and muscle mass, he wanted a more toned, f...

I was attempting to find a exercise video tailored for the obese on YouTube, so I did a search for obese exercise and found some things that just brought me down! I cant seem to escape that fact that I am huger than the average huge guy, I seen several videos where large men were on the floor doing all these exercises that I simply can not do, and its frustrating. I'm really just grasping how large I am. In my searches I found a video with the guy from the sitting exercise video. So I checked it out, he too was doing some things on the floor, but I'm over that, what bummed me out was learning that he had lost about 60 pounds, and gained it all back, he attributed it to working  a lot, and a neck problem. This just really hit me hard, because 60 pounds goes a long way, and to think that he lost it and gained it back is just discouraging. It makes me think that it could be me, I may never even make it to 60 pounds before falling off the journey. And I have to just say, it s...