Worry, And Fear

I was attempting to find a exercise video tailored for the obese on YouTube, so I did a search for obese exercise and found some things that just brought me down! I cant seem to escape that fact that I am huger than the average huge guy, I seen several videos where large men were on the floor doing all these exercises that I simply can not do, and its frustrating. I'm really just grasping how large I am. In my searches I found a video with the guy from the sitting exercise video. So I checked it out, he too was doing some things on the floor, but I'm over that, what bummed me out was learning that he had lost about 60 pounds, and gained it all back, he attributed it to working  a lot, and a neck problem.

This just really hit me hard, because 60 pounds goes a long way, and to think that he lost it and gained it back is just discouraging. It makes me think that it could be me, I may never even make it to 60 pounds before falling off the journey. And I have to just say, it sucks not knowing if I'm actually losing! I know we all seen the picture, we know something was lost, but how much? It sucks being so big that the stores don't carry scales to carry your weight. It really blows playing the guessing game. If I gained a pound, or two, or three, honestly Id rather know, than not, but that's how it is right now. I can only get a scale that supports my weight online and as it stands I cant afford to do that right now.  I didn't mind this at first, January I could have cared less, but now I just feel like I'm walking blind.

Ive already lost so much momentum this month, maybe its in the air, I noticed some of my favorite weight loss YouTubers who were updating daily, or bi-daily, or weekly even, in January, are now slowing down. I used to always be able to check my subscriptions and be able to watch a video. Now there may be a few to start at the beginning of the day, and a few at the end, but its nothing like before, and even this is discouraging for some reason. Am I overreacting or are things falling a part?

I cant fathom another year of no progress, I cant fathom another year of being miserably, gaining weight, and just the same old same old. I cant. I cant! And yet here still I'm losing motivation, losing enthusiasm, losing sight, and so early in at that. Its funny isn't it? I (sometimes) feel like I'm not strong enough to endure the lengthy process its going to take to get where I want, and yet, I know I don't have the strength to go back!


  1. Ok, BREATH!!!

    Look, you could be the guy who loses 60 lbs and then gains it all back. Absolutely. You could even be the guy who gains 200 more than you are now. Yup, it could happen. You could also be the guy who loses it ALL and gets down to a healthy weight and never looks back again.

    It all comes down to your actions. Nothing MAKES you gain, but your own choices. That's it. It's scary that it all comes down to you, but at the same time it's very empowering. So, you have a choice to be scared or thrilled that it's in your power to change. You have the choice to make changes and become who you want to be, or not.

    YOU CAN DO THIS. It's not a fairytale, it's FACT. So the real question is: Will you?

    Look, those people you saw online, their experiences is their own. You need to make sure you carry no one else's burdens and failures but your own. We all have enough to deal with without borrowing from other people. They went backwards? Well, hopefully they figure it out and fix it. If not? That's not you. Pay attention, but don't carry their mistakes with you. You didn't make them, and you will have the chance to make or not make your own. Every day. Every hour.

    The exercises you can't do? Well, that's right now. I couldn't run. I know running sounds really far off, but just work with me here. I was never able to run. It was so hard. 15 seconds was agony, even as a child. I did a lot of walking when I was losing weight (I used to weigh 230 lbs, thereabouts at my highest.) One day, I ran for a few seconds. Eventually it was 30 seconds. Then one day it was a minute. Then one day, many months later (because I stink at running) it was a MILE. I ran a whole MILE! And you know what? In 2004 I actually ran a whole marathon. Well, I made it through it. There may have been a lot of walking, but I ran a lot of it too.

    I remember this steep hill when I was a kid, and I couldn't bike up it. None of us kids could. I set out one summer to conquer it. One day it was a couple feet up it. It took all summer, but by the end I was the only kid in the neighborhood who could make it up the hill on my bike.

    You simply have to show up, every day, and try to go a little further. Every "try" is a success because it builds strength, and helps you go just a tiny bit further the next day. This holds true with all exercises. It even holds true with learning how to eat right. Just show up, today, this moment, and try. You're in "training", and no one expects you to be at the finish line right now. But keep working, and eventually you will be. There is no mystery here. The magic is in just showing up and putting yourself into this.



    1. Wow.

      Talk about a pep talk, seriously take a bow! Thank you, Kyra. I really needed this.


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