Worry, And Fear

-


I was attempting to find a exercise video tailored for the obese on YouTube, so I did a search for obese exercise and found some things that just brought me down! I cant seem to escape that fact that I am huger than the average huge guy, I seen several videos where large men were on the floor doing all these exercises that I simply can not do, and its frustrating. I'm really just grasping how large I am. In my searches I found a video with the guy from the sitting exercise video. So I checked it out, he too was doing some things on the floor, but I'm over that, what bummed me out was learning that he had lost about 60 pounds, and gained it all back, he attributed it to working  a lot, and a neck problem.

This just really hit me hard, because 60 pounds goes a long way, and to think that he lost it and gained it back is just discouraging. It makes me think that it could be me, I may never even make it to 60 pounds before falling off the journey. And I have to just say, it sucks not knowing if I'm actually losing! I know we all seen the picture, we know something was lost, but how much? It sucks being so big that the stores don't carry scales to carry your weight. It really blows playing the guessing game. If I gained a pound, or two, or three, honestly Id rather know, than not, but that's how it is right now. I can only get a scale that supports my weight online and as it stands I cant afford to do that right now.  I didn't mind this at first, January I could have cared less, but now I just feel like I'm walking blind.

Ive already lost so much momentum this month, maybe its in the air, I noticed some of my favorite weight loss YouTubers who were updating daily, or bi-daily, or weekly even, in January, are now slowing down. I used to always be able to check my subscriptions and be able to watch a video. Now there may be a few to start at the beginning of the day, and a few at the end, but its nothing like before, and even this is discouraging for some reason. Am I overreacting or are things falling a part?

I cant fathom another year of no progress, I cant fathom another year of being miserably, gaining weight, and just the same old same old. I cant. I cant! And yet here still I'm losing motivation, losing enthusiasm, losing sight, and so early in at that. Its funny isn't it? I (sometimes) feel like I'm not strong enough to endure the lengthy process its going to take to get where I want, and yet, I know I don't have the strength to go back!


Popular posts from this blog

Smooth Sailing

-
The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...
Read more

I Watched Some Picture Films

-
I always like when people refer to movies as "picture films." I actually watched some movies over the weekend several days in a row. I even watched one this morning called The Loft , yesterday I watched The Account with Ben Affleck (so good). Its been really nice getting caught up in movie worlds for a little bit of time again, especially the horror ones, I really love a good spooky film. I watched one called From The Dark that was really good and I actually have a few to watch tonight so that should be scary fun. I got some Canadian bacon because I was told this was better for me than regular bacon because its considered lean or whatever, I also got some peanut butter 2 that I'm planning on making on an Instagram story video thing maybe today, its basically this powdery peanut butter you add water to that turns into normal peanut butter that has less fat and calories than regular peanut butter, so if you're following me on Instagram be looking out for that. How ...
Read more

Boot Camp Week Day Five

-
Image
The final day of boot camp week is upon us. Today the exercise goal is to complete the four mile challenge, which would give me a new miles per week peak. The food goal is simple once again, and the consistent goal of the week. Stay below 1,800 calories. I got news yesterday that my oldest nephew might be coming down for the weekend. That's pretty awesome news. His spring break starts today, but he'll only be here the weekend (versus the entire break previously), but   it wasn't set in stone so I'm not expecting anything.  He has been getting all A's in school this semester so far so I'm really proud of him. Today I'm getting blood work done, and will likely schedule  that follow up appointment.
Read more

Archive

Show more