A Little Venting

We all aren't blessed with strong, supportive families. The kind that call you out of the blue to see how you are, to check on you when they haven't seen you in a while, to care about what battles you may be facing. We all aren't so lucky. Ive dreamed about being part of families like that, I often think back to when I was going through my turbulent years as an adolescent,  that fateful 8th grade year that scarred me. I think what if someone reached out  to me, an overweight 14 year old who was dealing with humiliation and low self esteem on a weekly basis because of school, what if  my grandmother called me, or wrote me a letter and asked how things were for me, what if people noticed I wasn't hanging out with my friends as much and was constantly in my room, what if people tried looking deeper as to why I would sneak up at 1 in the morning on school nights and binge eat, instead of just chalking it up to being fat and greedy. What if during those years post-graduation someone reached out to me to ask why I had become such recluse, and rarely left the house for four years.

What if someone cared enough about me to realize it might be hard being such a big guy in a thin world, what if someone reached out to me when I was younger and took an active role in helping me get healthy, instead of judging me and criticizing me. I wonder if someone had cared enough for me long enough, if it would have made me care about myself, and maybe I could have lost the weight a decade ago.

This is a very emotional post for me, I broke down several throughout writing it. Sometimes its hard for me to escape the fact that Im the fat black sheep in the family. Ive watched as my brothers got attention and praise, and just general interest, that I always just wanted small share of. I never mattered enough. In middle school I used to tell my friends how popular I was because of my cousins, and how they thought I was cool. And a part of me believe that for awhile, but when me and my Friends got into a huge fight, they revealed to me that the same people I thought respected me, and liked me, were making fun of me behind my back like a common stranger. For so long I had looked like a fool to my friends, because they couldn't bare to tell me for so long, but in the heat of things the truth comes out. And that's truly when I began to really feel the separation from my family. I always had this distant feeling like I didn't belong, and it intensified after that event.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, its just somethings I needed to release, after reading a certain letter.

Comments

  1. Hi Brandon, I'm sorry your family has not been supportive of you. I can tell you have emotional scares from growing up. I still remember the ugly things that were said to me about my weight and for some reason its easier for us to remember those comments instead of the positive ones. I am sorry for the letter you received because it seems to have really hurt you. I wanted to tell you I did notice a big difference in the shirt pictures. I wanted to comment on it but my internet was acting up at the time. What day do you start your new job? Hang in there things will get better. God bless.
    Jeanette

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  2. Thank you dearly Jeanette. I guess tomorrow is sort of the first day, I reckon Ill get my schedule afterwards. What matters is that I do have support, I have people like, and others here on this blog, and on YouTube pushing me along! And that's all that is going to matter to me moving forward!

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  3. I don't know what was in that letter, but maybe you should tear up the next one without reading it.

    I have a supportive set of parents... now. I didn't. Not in high school. Bad... very bad things happened in HS and I was all alone. My friends turned on me too, I felt like I lost everything. I remember lining pills up on the counter, just because I could, because it was control. I could end it, if I wanted to. My parents? Ha, no where to be found, and frankly not nice to be around when they were. I've been that alone, that abandoned.

    So, when I say this, please understand that it's coming from a real place: the only person you can count on being there for you, is you. It took a while for me to learn that, and it speaks of a general distrust for other people in my life. I know. But, if you are talking about the one person who could support you no matter what, who will NEVER leave you, who will always know your secrets and stay... well, that's you.

    You can be there for yourself. You really can. You can be your own coach, cheerleader, and best friend. You can be your own worst enemy, it's true - but even in that circumstance, you'll never leave you. You have YOU. When you finally grasp that, you'll realize that to really get yourself moving in the right direction, you ONLY need you.

    Other friends and positive support? That will eventually come. It may even leave again. But your base of support needs to start with you, and no one else. Start building yourself up, supporting yourself, and you will find others sort of appear out of nowhere to help add to that. It does happen.

    I'm sorry for what you went through. Had I been your friend back then, I'd like to think that I would have asked. But you have people writing to you NOW (and I don't mean relatives with weird letters.) People are visiting your blog, and cheering you on. That's something. You have yourself, writing and working hard to change things for the better, that's something even bigger. You really do have YOU.

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  4. I'm sorry you don't have more family support Brandon. You sure deserve it.

    I hope you meet some decent people at work.

    Mollie

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