Showing posts from September 11, 2016

What's Bothering Me?

Yesterday, the entirety of the day I had a lurking anxiety in my gut that I could not shake or explain, my overall mood was pretty well balanced so this was particularly odd. Throughout the day the anxiety slowly increased, but I would just barely notice. I kept asking myself what's this all about? I thought maybe the potential selling of my grandmothers house is having some kind of subconscious effect on me, but even that doesn't make sense. Maybe I feel guilty for not visiting dad in over a year, but I've been facing my own demons, the fact is it's probably for the best that I'm just now getting around to making this happen. So what is it?

My dad actually called me yesterday via my aunt Carolines phone, I was surprised to see her calling so soon after I had just talked to her the day before, but it all made sense once I answered. My dad wanted to talk to me, I guess she went to see him. We talked for a bit, "hey son" and it went from there. To be hones…


Yesterday I finally made my way to see my father at my late grandmothers house. When I arrived there was some kind of bookcase on the front porch which immediately struck me as odd. I knocked on the door for a bit and then someone shouted to me from the street, what do you need, who are you? It was my great-aunt Caroline who apparently could not recognize me at all since the last time I seen her, last year. Once I told her I was looking for my I dad everything came back to her and she told me to come over to her, she just happened to be driving by as I was knocking.

Seems my dad is now living in an assisted-living home, and the past year stay at grandmothers house he wasn't doing very well, even believed to have been on drugs up until he decided he no longer wanted to stay in the house. This change happened just a few months ago, apparently it was the best thing for him because she says before he wasn't taking his medications  properly, skipping dosages or days completely, he …

Don't Have To Be A Ghost Here Amongst The Living

Today is a new day, a lot of sudden curve balls were thrown at me yesterday evening that typically would have me feeling like my rare moment of optimism was for nothing, but I've decided not to take it that way, and continue on the steady path, the very long sometimes depressing steady path. Not let these other obstacles derail me or send me into and emotional state  that leads to setbacks.

My mom was recently diagnosed with a kidney stone, due to its size and location it will have to be removed via surgery. The operation has been scheduled for October 5th, the whole thing makes me rather nervous but she seems rather fine about it so I'm not going to over think it. She'll be out of the hospital the very next day.

I've decided to finally go see my dad today and see how he's doing, I reckon it's going to be a rather awkward experience but I'll at least feel a bit better knowing I checked up on him. Stay tuned.

Synapse Sliping Through The Hidden Door

I had therapy today, and that went really well, I'm in a pretty good place right now about a lot of things. I feel like for the first time things could start working in harmony. I'm still in an unfortunate place with my image, and sometimes on Instagram seeing really successful weight loss transformation before-and-afters really sends me into a self-loathing spiral, but I feel like that should become less and less of an occasion.

I have to start taking back control, or really for the first time get control. I feel like there is a lot of instability around me which is rather ironic considering I come so undone so often, but these situations around me aren't helping. Stay tuned.

Tonight I'm Going To Bury That Horse In The Ground

First things first, it's Monday, which means it's weigh-in day. If you kept up with last week you know that there wasn't any exercise, and unfortunately I took what felt like leaps backwards in my mental and emotional state of being. My eating stayed solid for the most part, I didn't binge, I did  skip some meals do to the intensity of therapy one day, and even after that day I found that eating enough was rather iffy, but I was certainly staying hydrated because  I've learned when I skimp on both areas (eating and drinking) I typically gain weight because my body desperately holds on to what water it has (it doesn't help that I retain water rather easily to begin with). So last week I weighed 368.6, this week I weigh 365.2. I lost 3.2lbs. I didn't know what to expect this week, but three is a bit surprising, I wonder if this has something todo with the potential  new muscle.

I seen my aunt over the the week for the first time since her procedure, she got …