Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Tomorrow Ill be starting a liquid diet. Protein shakes 2-3 times a day. This is sort of a preliminary run for what I'd need to do for weight loss surgery. The truth is Id like to do the weight loss surgery diet without the surgery part, if I can do it with the protein powder I have  this week then Ill give it a 30+ day run. The real goal would be 2-3 months. But that is jumping ahead. It will depends on how this next week goes.

Depression is making a bit of a stronger case lately. My mind wants to dwell and long. Long for this to be wrapped up in a cute little bow, no loose ends. Brandon loses the weight, Brandon takes life by the horns, Brandon makes new friends he can truly be himself with, Brandon peruses a career, Brandon finds love, Brandon is happy. This is what I long for, but that first thing hides all the rest behind it. Beat the game of losing weight and these are the prizes. My mind is still poisoned with anchors of habits that keep resurfacing. Why can I just get the antidote and move on. But the age old question returns. What am I without food, hmm? Being on the right track feels so hallow and tedious without food covering every aspect of my life. Suddenly it’s just for calories and I feel empty. It starts to feel miserable. Then I revert back and that’s miserable too. So the question becomes which misery is best?