Brandon, Who Lives At Home

It's Saturday nothing on my agenda. Feeling rather blah today. I had a weird dream that has just been bugging me all day to some degree. I'm still not at all happy with the guy in the mirror. Unlike last week, I'm actually able to stomach looking at myself though, so that is an improvement. When I was working at Walmart with my first and only check I bought over-ear head phones for my ancient MP3 player. Well they were great, but I screwed them up last night ,the wire is really really long and got snagged on something last night and I pulled a bit too hard before realizing. Now I only get sound out of one side. Been a bad week for my technology. It's kind of ironic because a friend of mine just started letting me use his iPod touch, now I'll have to go back to using earphones which I hate! I suppose this is a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it's kind of big to me. Moving on. Weight-in is coming up fast and I'm getting nervous. Just two days ...

A most splendid summer shower is upon us at the moment, how glorious it is. The wind is so cool and refreshing, the wind could sweep you clear off of your feet, and the rain is pounding so hard it could summon an impromptu Riverdance performance (I'm aware the actual dance doesn't involve water, but the reference works)  It was wonderful. I'm not sure why I took such joy in it, but I did. Nature. Now all I can think about is that old Nelly Furtado Song "I'm Like A Bird." Yesterday my calorie count was about the same as the day before. I realize that with my nephew coming for a week there's going to be an abundance of junk. I already know my mom is making him a cake, for something... Or whatever. So my week will be just a bit tougher than usual, which is unfortunate because I was really wanting to finally plot out an eating plan. Something that doesn't bore the heck out of me, but will fill me up, give me energy and nutrients. I'm really really w...

I have been in a mild  haze today, negative energy and thoughts gave been consuming me for the past 30-45minutes. It has just come out of nowhere, and I'm very upset, and I'm worried. This is an all too familiar feeling, and I was hoping these episodes were a thing of the past. I do however feel like I have a more control over it. So I'm going to try to counter act the negative energy with some positive energy. As you all know I've gained a staggering 5 pounds this week, the first gain of the year. We know that I've been obsessed with losing, and I've been disappointed with losing too little, and had a mini meltdown that week a few months back when I lost nothing at all (and took on the extreme low calories the following weeks that so infamously nearly K.O'd me) , so this week gaining could have made for disaster. Instead I owned it, I knew it was coming, and I've been taking steps to correct it, however in the past, this most. certainly would have bee...

My eldest nephew is coming down sometime this weekend to spent a week with us, it's a bit unexpected, but should be a nice detour in the usual hustle and bustle of our lives as of late. I'm not sure if I'm excited or not, do I have the energy, I've barely had it for my younger nephews, lately. I joked on the phone with him that we are going to have a dance battle when he comes down. He is quite a good dancer, it's been a running gag for a couple years now that I'm the one that has the real dance skills, and taught him everything he knows, lol. Yesterday's  calories take was over 2k, but stayed under 2,500.  I'm glad the week is almost over for some reason, if only to find out if I redeemed myself Monday! A friend of mine is going on work vacation tomorrow for 10 days and wants to hangout with me on at least  one of those days. The thing is I haven't hung out with him since high school. We've kept in touch since then, in fact I  share more w...

My appointment for the day is out of the way. It's interesting how my anxiety kind of chooses when to strike and when to let me be, in public settings now. In the doctors office today I got just an awful feeling once I realized everyone in the lobby was thin, I felt gross and disgusting, especially when some guy who could basically have been a toothpick came and sat down, I was glad when they called him before me. The appointment itself with the doctor was fine. I later went to the grocery store and browsed around, I didn't want the pork chops mom had planned so I just want to get something different. I had literally no anxiety at all in the store, I have no idea why I had no anxiety in the store, but was almost consumed by it at the docs office. But it's better than it popping up in every situation ever, like it used to. Yesterday I took in just under 2,000 calories, so it would seem I'm slowly swaying away from those low calories. Oh well. I was considering bringing...

I met with my new psychiatrist today, that went pretty well.  I think shes going to work out quite nicely. She spent a good time learning me and even noticed my focusing issue, apparently I was talking about something and just segwayed into an entirely different topic that became an even bigger topic, but I was glad she could actually see the issue. She said we would explore it in the future. Today was my last day on Zoloft, which is a Little scary. My newer antidepressant dosage has been increased, however. Yesterday eating got back to normal. I took just under 1,400 calories. the plan wasn't to eat so few, it just sort of happened, however I kind of want to see this through all week now. Myfitnesspal showed a 5 week projection for that calorie that dropped my jaws, last night and I thought... "I could do this for five weeks, couldn't I, couldn't I?" Its proven dangerous, but the number I seen, I'm seriously tempted. If nothing else I'm back on the rig...

I planned for this. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  I knew that my results were going to be bad, and I knew why, my eating, and lack of activity. This sadly isnt one of those weeks where I surprisingly lose weight in spite of questionable decisions I made, no, this week I Actually did gain, not one, not two, but five pounds. That is a lot more than I figured. I'm angry. I threw out  months worth of progress. How did this happen. We all know the last few weeks haven't been the best, but last week, with the pressure of a funeral looming I just, ate, ate what I wanted. I hung out with friends to distract me from my realities, and I over indulged. EVERY SINGLE DAY in fast food, that is where I went wrong. I had Pizza Hut 5 times  last week, medium pizza all to myself each time, loaded with toppings, I went to burger places, like Sonic and White Castle, local eateries as well that don't mind throwing in hundreds of calories for the sake of flavor. I reverted back to...