Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I mentioned that I fasted in the last post. Totalled out to 35+ hours. Fasting is such a relief because I don’t have to worry about calories, or if this or that food is good or bad. I get to be free of the food burden. The problem comes after the fast ends and eating feels like a crime. Every single thing seems like too much. This isn’t exclusive to post-fast. It’s a something I experience anytime I’m trying to lose weight. It’s as if Ive completely lost the concept of  “appropriate amount” sometimes. It’s either I’m eating too much or too little. I find that middle ground when I’m less invested but soon as I’m into it, boom, this problem rears it’s head. This isn’t a de-railing problem (currently), but it causes me anxiety anytime I think of eating. 

I just finished a 24hr water-fast, currently 27 hours. Not hungry, I plan to resume eating in the morning 30+ hrs in. Brother brought home little Debbie’s, some kind of cream filled brownie thing. I’ve had them before, they are okay. There is something about the icing on those that taste plastic-y. I normally don’t mind but it’s just one of the reasons why I didn’t touch one today. The lack of reward. In other news. My mom and brother are catching a movie Saturday  and having dinner and invited me along. I turned down these things so often in the past  that they stopped asking, so this was surprising. I told them I’d think about it, but honestly I probably won’t. The more I think about myself in that setting I get anxiety. In other, other news. Remember that hot straight friend I mentioned here ? Well he’s been wanting to hang out and I’ve been making up excuses not to. We were supposed to hangout last Sunday but at the last minute backed out without explanation. This Saturday...

  Been an interesting past few days. Ive decided I shall once again start doing weigh-ins at the top of the week. Today I weighed-in at 505.8 and honestly I don't know if that's accurate considering a week ago it said I was 518. Ive been known to drop big amounts early-in like this but I just am not sure if this is right. My last week was Topsy-Turvy, but I did have a experimental weekend. We shall see where we are at next Monday, a week from today. In other news today is my mothers 63rd birthday and we are going out to dinner to celebrate, just me and her. I haven't eaten in a restaurant in 4 years, Ill have to put my anxieties aside and storm through, for mom. Keeping a positive mind frame, this should be a good time, I wont let it flop because of me. I am very grateful to have my mother, and hope to have her for decades to come. We may bump heads, but we always get passed the little things. Weve been through a lot and have gone through a lot but we always get through. Ch...

Am I capable? Is it worth it? The insecurities linger. Am I too old? I’m 34, and I’ve missed so much, is it too late to try to be better? Did I miss my window? Is this it? Is this broken version me, the best of me? Does a better future await me if I just try? You are 34 .  34!   You are 34. You are at the bottom of the barrel. Your mind wanders, you wonder, how come?