Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Im back home today, my mother is already gone on her trip to the family barbecue out of town. Yesterday at my friends was particularly emotionally exhausting. My friend got into a trivial argument with his mother on the phone, but she said some truly astonishing things. Things that triggered not just my emotions, but my anxiety and depression. Not just that, but it just ruined the mellow day we were having up until then. Im feeling kind of lost lately. I feel like I'm waiting to stumble upon my purpose. Because I keep getting back to this state where I feel like I have no purpose. I've been really struggling lately. It's amazing how I can be so humongous physically, but so minuscule in the grand scheme of it all. In weight loss news I think I might start back up my lowball calorie intake next week, indefinitely. Although this time the range will be 800-1200. I simple don't care about the side effects. It seems like I won't be satisfied until I'm thin, and the ...

I've spent most the week with friends... It's been full of laughs and mostly good times. I get sucked out of it every so often and am in my dark place and do not like it. I've been observing my interactions with select friends quite thoroughly. There are two whom I just..... Don't know if that "ideal/future-self" would have any involvement with. I find myself feeling subtly offended, or disrespected at times, and I know I don't have them feeling the same at any time. We all know among friends, at times jokes are exchanged, that can be offensive, but are harmless. When I say I feel subtly offended by something, disrespected. I mean, a very toxic view, opinion, or attitude as been expressed. They doesn't Necessarily have to pertain to me specifically either. I went home briefly today, and left again. My mom informed me some family from out of town invited her to a family BBQ for Memorial Day weekend. This branch of family is well aware of my we...

Not much to report on today. Still keeping on. Still trying to make since of things. Last few days have been ideal, but I still haven't been feeling like I should for some reason. Momentary instances of happiness, that are gone before I can make sense of them. I've been holding it together a bit better.

I had therapy today, it went well. I was told about a technique I'm going to try applying when my melancholy runs high. Managed to get my appointment with my psychiatrist bumped up substantially, to next week. I stopped reading that detective crime book, it was just..... Not keeping me interested. I'm not sure what I will read instead, I really I had that other book... I think I'm going todo something with my hair by next week, either cut it, dye it, or change it up, it's just time, I need to feel new. Shed some of my shell ya'know? 

Yesterday, on paper,  was a solid day, I made sure to make  reading a priority, attended my online class in psychological first aid, and even did some drawing. I had a salad for both lunch and dinner with Italian dressing. For 27 years I've only liked ranch, but ranch, in recent years, refuses to sit in my stomach, so I've had to be careful with my salads. Now I love Italian dressing, never mind  the sodium. The first class for that course I'm taking was interesting, I can't wait for the coming weeks lesions. I was a bit disappointed by the book I started, Darkness On The Edge Of Town, as I learned that the intriguing plot I posted was for a different book, of the exact same name. The one I actually have is a murder/crime thriller. I'm six chapters in, and it's..... Okay. My random, and rather uninspired art project yesterday is a work in progress, I want to add to it every day this week. Just cause. Aforementioned uninspired art.  ( We all can't be...

A handful of weeks ago it looked like I was on the fast track to recovery still. I was going to therapy, making medical appointments, taking my necessary medications, still losing weight. It wasn't perfect, but I seemed to be in an all around better place, I'm sure many of you would agree. In the last couple weeks in particular, however, I seem to have done a 180. My already lacking, optimism, shot to smithereens. My weight loss has slowed down. Will to carry on, weak. And I honestly can't make sense of it. On paper everything sounds perfect, I'm losing weight, receiving counseling, getting more active, there's those non-scale victories. So why is it I'm in what seems like an eternal cloud of depression? I feel like I had so much more control before, and now nothing. My medication is suppose to be in full effect by now, how is it I was more stable at the beginning, than I am now? A couple days ago I had a severe breakdown, I even told my mom I wasn't sure ...

Let's get right to it, shall we? Last week I weighed 489 pounds, this week I am 485. Down four pounds. I feel rather indifferent about it. 52 pounds since March (seems a bit low) Moving on... I decided on what book I'm going to read, I was originally going to go with the Dean Koontz book, but after reading the Darkness On The Edge Of Town's description I became too intrigued not to give it a shot. One morning the residents of Walden, Virginia, woke up to find the rest of the world gone. Just . . . gone.  Surrounding their town was a wall of inky darkness, plummeting Walden into permanent night. Nothing can get in - not light, not people, not even electricity, radio, TV, internet, food, or water. And nothing can get out. No one who dared to penetrate the mysterious barrier has ever been seen again. Only their screams were heard.  But for some, the darkness is not the worst of their fears. Driven mad by thirst, hunger, and perpetual night, the residents...

I did something interesting a couple nights ago, I signed up for a couple free online college courses. Childhood in The Digital Age - Delve into the lives of children and discuss the potential benefits and limitations of technology in their lives.  Psychological First Aid -  Learn to provide psychological first aid to people in an emergency by employing the RAPID model: Reflective listening, Assessment of needs, Prioritization, Intervention, and Disposition. The first one doesn't start for another month or so, but the second starts tomorrow. I  just decided to try to learn something new, trying to broaden my horizons, provoke my thoughts, there is a lot of free information out there going to waste. I'm going to make use of it. There's a 3rd course I wish to do, but it already started, so I'll have to wait until they announce the next sessions start date. In other news, yesterday my oldest nephew participated in a local talent show in his city. It was a ...