Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm back home today, after spending the last couple days with friends eating recklessly. I had a very intense dream last night. It was of my mom sobbing and crying telling me she needed me and loved me, she was hysterical. It was as if she had gotten some kind of warning that I might planning or thinking of taking an eternal slumber. I was so confused I couldn't figure out how she would have suddenly found out I was so on edge, no one knows of the blog, my therapist wouldn't wouldn't say anything, and I've been wearing my usual masks I was so thrown. And I didn't know what to say, I remember wanting to say it's going to be alright , but also not wanting to because I genuinely wasn't sure that was true. I remember the weird feeling in my stomach That was my dream, very odd, I don't know what it means. I

Ive been eating more than usual  the past day, lots of chocolatey things, also pizza. I left home yesterday to hangout with Nick and Melissa, I've been indulging in their junk food that I usual resist and even though I actually brought my own healthy food  I decided,  screw it  I'm just going to eat whatever. I ate way too much pizza yesterday, but oh well, I've eaten way too many chocolate cake snacks but oh well, champagne problems I suppose. The working out agenda for the week has been scrapped. Everything is up in the air.

I spent yesterday in just an bad place, I can tell my overall mood is shifting into a general bad place once again. It's oh so familiar. I didn't go to that DBT group yesterday, I didn't do my dumbbell workout at home either, I mostly just layed in bed in a complete funk. I've been feeling very discouraged. Today I didn't end up going to the gym because my mom made a big about having to make so many trips for me (a whole three, gym, therapy, orthopedist) so I just said forget it and ixnay'd the gym all together. This sent me deeper into the current emotional low I've been sinking in lately. Feels like I win small irreverent battles only to realize the war can't be won. I'm  genuinely asking myself what am I doing, why am I doing this? I don't see myself getting to my goal weight so what am I really doing? I'm so tired of this cycle, I'm tired of being so unhappy, it really does feel neverending. I never seem to make a complete turno...

last week seen the debut of the dumbbell workout. I didn't follow as closely to my mostly white meat diet as usual, it's a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. Last week I weighed 373.0, this week I weigh 370.6. I lost 2.4lbs. I didn't expect to lose this week as I said in a previous post, I expected a small muscle/water related gain, but this is a nice surprise. I've already been to the gym today and done my usual routines, it was more crowded than usual, in fact, the machine area and weight bench area was extreme crowded, I've never seen so many people there at once. The people weren't as physically diverse as usual either, they were either very fit, or undeniably skinny. I questioned if I would keep coming would If it were like this or worse all the time, I've never even been there during peak hours. A lot of other things were popping through my head from time to time when the songs on my iPod weren't enough to distract me. I later singled my...

I haven't done too much to be honest, mostly resting, those dumbbell workouts have really worn me out. I'm going to attempt to watch a movie today, we shall see if I do that. I'm feeling a little meh today, just in terms of my overall mood, it's  rather grey outside also, which normally wouldn't have anything to do with anything, but it somehow feels connected today. I'm returning to the gym this week, the plan is to go at least 3 times, I may throw in a dumbbell day at home in there, I'm not sure, or quite possibly do a dumbbell set the same day as a gym day, quite possibly all three days?! That would really be pushing it. It depends on how this weigh-in goes, I have a feeling I'm in for a muscle/water / frustrating related gain... Next week I also have an appointment with an orthopedist after therapy, about my knee. Going to find out exactly what the recommendation is as to remedy the situation.