Showing posts from February 22, 2015

Trouble Asking For Help

Let me tell you about a story. Few years ago when I was working at target we started having car problems, Ive never liked asking people for things, it makes me feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, awkward, and it gives me tremendous anxiety. I hate it. Well during those car problems I had to have my uncle give me a ride to work once. Ill never forget how that went, he agreed, reluctantly. The day of,  he calls to make sure I meet him outside before he even pulls up, I did, when I got into the car, his incredibly cramped car, the first thing I did was smile and thank ed him for taking me in that day. He responded promptly by crushing me to dust (verbally) for not having my license, he went on a tirade Id call it, it was one of the worst car rides Ive ever had, and worse, he was to pick me up too. He ruined what was already going to be a difficult day.

Events like that are a trend in my family. I rarely ask people for things, because I can think back to times when I was really young and wou…

Seems Ive Survived The Week

Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone.

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen), I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again.

You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet to tu…

[UPDATE] Im In A Bad Place

Yesterday: For breakfast I had 3 small pieces of sausage, and snacked on some pretzels. No lunch, no dinner.

Report Card

Diet: ...

Exercise: N/A.

Water: Good.

Sleep: Good: Got off work and pretty much went straight to bed

Mental Health: Abysmal.

I go in at four today, again, but I'm off at 9. I'm in a very bad place, yesterday I started writing my suicide notebefore work. I haven't been this close to the edge in quite a long time. I kept thinking of my nephews, and how they would deal with it. I truly feel if my passing would effect anyone, it would be them, especially the oldest one whom I have the strongest connection with. I'm one of the few positive male role models in his life since his grandpa passed away many years ago, he was very young, but it affected him tremendously. His father isn't currently around (but should be by the end of the year) and I just feel like it would be bad for him, hes going through a bit of a rough patch, himself.

I also keep thinking abou…

And It Continues

Yesterday I had a boiled egg, piece of sausage and toast for breakfest. No lunch, I had some Cambells Chicken Pot Pot soup for dinner.

Report Card
Diet:(I'm going to say) Good: I skipped lunch, because I was at work, and stressed with pain. But I didn't eat anything bad, just not much. 
Exercise: N/A. Work obliterated me, I'm not entire sure how I will incorporate exercise
Sleep: Good.
Mental Health: Dismal.

I go in at 4pm today, I'm dreading it, I just want to breakdown and cry thinking of that pain. That horrible pain. My feet are sore still, and I know the pain will come back even sooner today because it never left completely, and I haven't had time to recover. I realize now that I have a condition called plantar fasciitis, I looked in to it years ago, but now it's clear that this is the condition I must have. I have fallen arches aswell which only makes the condition worse. I need to get new shoes, the ones I have are actually designed for people with high arche…

Oh Boy...

As usual a recap of  yesterday, first.  I skipped Breakfast, it was so early, and time got away from me. I had a late lunch since I forgot my bag of pretzels, for lunch I had a leftover piece of baked pork chop, the  rest of the spinach, and the last garlic bread. For dinner I had a personal pan pizza, it was depressingly small, it looked like something from a easy-bake oven! But surprisingly, it did fill me up.

Report Card

Diet: Good.

Exercise: I got a new video, Leslie Sansone's Walk Off The Pounds Express, Super Challenge, which is a 4 mile walking workout. I unfortunately only got 2 miles in before I called it a day. She gets into some of the more elaborate moves sooner in this one than she did in the 3, so that was kind of cool.

Sleep: Good. Went to be at 11 again, and again slept well.

Mental Health: Good.

I set my alarm clock to 630am for this morning, and that was when I was up, I got up and was situated by 7. How did today go at work... TERRIBLE. We were suppose to be doing co…

Orientation Day

Orientation was today, before I get into that, lets quickly recap yesterday. For Breakfast I had Oatmeal, and two small pieces of sausage. For Lunch I had some variety pretzel snacks and a whipped yogurt. For dinner had a pork chop with spinach and garlic bread.

Report Card

Diet: Good. I could even say great, but lets not push it.

Exercise: N/A. totaled my body with that snow stunt.

Water: Good.

Sleep: Good. Went to bed shortly after 11, and slept well.

Mental Health: Good. Deciding to fight anxiety back was a good move, my head was clear, and the haunting sense of worry and fear only made short-lived appearances.

Today I woke up at six, I like to have more time to prepare honestly, and I probably should have been up at 5, just to mentally reset, and prepare my mind. It didn't seem like I had the kind of time I wanted, but before I knew it I was heading out. I made a bag of pretzels to have during breaks, but I forgot them. I arrived at the store with an acceptable amount of butterflies…

And Im Back

The last couple of days have not been ideal, but then again neither have the last couple of weeks, hell, the month of February in general. This weekend I made some poor decisions eating wise, I truly disconnected from my journey. It was the first time that I didn't write since I started this blog . I felt like no one wanted to hear about the bad things I was doing, and didn't want hear me talk about the journey being over anymore, I didn't even want to write it, and that's mostly why I stayed away. I didn't want to make things official. I'm back now though, I have regained my sight, and my priorities have returned. Yesterday I had takeout, and just really disappointed my self what how I ate, Ive come so long, in such a short time, I'm capable of so much more if I can endure the obstacles.

I'm going to try something different, I'm going to try to take things in stride, we all know by now my anxiety problems are not to be underestimated, but I feel li…