Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Monday threw quite the curve ball on my unsuspecting town and the tri-state area. What I assumed would be a regular mid-day storm, turned out to be one of epic proportions. The wind was roaring, it was lightening, rain pouring, thunder slamming. I could hear our trash can get swept down the alley, and not long after, the lights flickered, and then went off. Everything was off. It was one of the hottest days of the year here and we had no power. Tuesday was a nightmare, constantly hoping "any minute now" the power will be back on. I had nothing fully charged and my phone died the previous night. It was going to be a particularly rough ride. My tablet had 39%, and luckily I had just put the entire series of 30 Rock on an SD for it. That kept me sane, but I had to ration the power. So just a few episodes here and there. Played a game on my Switch called Limbo, but had to ration my time with it too. I tried to literally not-move as much as I could, any movement generated heat an

    **DO TO A CITY-WIDE BLACKOUT THIS WAS NOT POSTED WHEN IT WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN (6/13) ** Last week I weighed in at 505.8. I was quite uncertain about that number because slightly less than a week prior I had weighed in at 518. Apparently it was in the right area, later in the week I was weighed again at the doctors and I weighed 508. Today my scale says my weigh is 506.4. A slight increase. My eating last week was interesting. I fasted complete days and then had days where my intake was well over my limit. I had Olive Garden for my moms birthday last Monday and over the weekend indulged on Cassanos Pizza. A pizza joint chain in Ohio, they honestly have the best delivery pizza. And I’ve fasted half day Saturday and Sunday. My body isn’t quite sure what to make of this. But I’m still in control and I feel good about the week. I plan on fasting all day tomorrow and maybe Wednesday. Then eating a stricter diet and possibly intermittent fasting as lately one meal has been sufficient. E

Sigh. Sometimes knowing which emotions are real and which aren’t feels impossible. The extreme-ness of this condition is overwhelming. I’m constantly over-reacting internally. My mood playing jump-rope and changing with every loop. Am I a bad person? Does having BPD make me inherently bad?  Yesterday I had one of my signature emotion-based overreactions. A frivolous accident occurred, a slipping of one’s mind really, but I implied the person involved did it on purpose. Granted I was warranted being upset, but part of me knew it was just a simple mistake, but I couldn’t regulate the intense hurt and venom I felt and after calling them out I threw in “you probably did it on purpose!” Why, why did I do that? Now said, unsaid person isn’t talking to me. Even if part of me genuinely did feel like it was deliberate, I used a “you” statement, I know better than that. You statements just make people defensive.  Now I’m stuck between all these extreme emotions, the original hurt and venom, the