Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I need more. or at least, one. I have great friends, but when I'm having an internal meltdown, when I'm having a total crisis about everything and nothing, when I'm on the verge of ending it all, when I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance, when everything is going wrong, when I have a lot on my mind and just need to talk. There is no one, if I message you in crisis and you you respond 3 hours later, you aren't someone I can go to. But people say this all the time “if you ever need to talk” that’s what they say. That’s not what they mean. I don’t need someone I can access 24/7, that’s not realistic, but it would be nice if I could actually rely on someone. I have to get through everything on my own. Then I have therapy once a week, one day to get an entire week off my chest, while trying to learn new cognitive strategies to help me better deal with these on my own. Its a lot.

Here I am the lion-hearted boy taking on 2017. I was thinking once again about my 2016, and I think that year can really be labeled the battle against depression. In 2015 I think I gave in to it a lot more, the psychical activities that I did incorporate into my life truly had a powerful impact, but in 2016 I actually battled the depression hard, I became so much more aware of my condition and how I operate. That didn't exactly translate into smooth sails, it was probably one of the most difficult years for my depression ever. When I went down I went way down, when I went up I went way up, but I learned and still learned and kept battling even when things got darker and darker. Luckily I was open enough to share my inner despair with my psychiatrist who promptly had me hauled away kicking and screaming, chained, shackled and sedated and sent to a psychiatric unit of a hospital. I suppose there was no kicking and screaming or chains and shackles nor sedation, but the last part...

Writing while listening to music, the new Bon Iver album. While watching one of my favorite YouTubers Dustin Kloeppel's  latest video he was inspired to write while listening to the lasted Bon Iver album 22, A Million . He got the idea from a tweet from another one of my favorite YouTubers Wylie Phenix .  It inspired me to give it a try given how much I've been connecting with music lately I thought this was a great idea.  Dustins video There are 10 songs, I wrote what came to mind per song. 22 (OVER S∞∞N) When I was young and in middle school, it was such a strange time for me. I was a whirlwind of happiness and sadness. I still had my first dog who would soon run away and never be seen again, it was a devastating time, but I had a group of friends I spent a lot of time with playing super smash brothers on the N64. It's interesting how time seemed infinite back then, this was both good and bad. The very next school year in 8th grade things would radical...