Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Regular daily posting will resume Monday. I think by then I will finally be able to write daily again. I also kind of hope my weigh-in is bad, to snap me back into gear eating wise. I just hope I didn't do too much damage. We will see. I'm piecing some things together still, but I feel clarity is approaching me.

That is not a rhetorical question. Feels like my weight loss journey has been on hold, I've been eating recklessly . I'm not understating like I normally do. With stress and with so much on my mind, I've just kind of turned off. My mother was rather insensitive yesterday and self involved. She went out with my now only living grandmother, to a casino boat the entire day and didn't even ask me how I was doing. How did I do? It was a rocky day, and it all hit me later in the afternoon, everything, the death, the funeral, the revelation, the unalterable nature of it all! I did manage to go to therapy thanks to a friend, and that was unarguably the most powerful session I've had yet. I told her about the my recent revelations, we touched down on those for awhile, and before I knew it the session was over. It was just a hard day. I did not stop to see dad, or the family, and I'm not sure when I will. I keep asking myself where do I go from here. This has been a rat...

I did a lot of searches and inquiries the last few days I think the funeral is out. The attire. I simply will not show up and be the one person out of dress code, sorry but no! I cannot,  I already stick out,  I don't need one more reason, I don't want to be the bright neon elephant in the room I can not fathom it simply cannot. I don't have dress shoes, I don't have a single solid black shirt. And don't get me started with button ups! This is a nightmare! Ugh my disgusting horrible obesity and gross size is going to hold me back from this because of my lack of wardrobe! Cloths in my size are expensive and up until a few years ago I rarely even left the house, I didn't need any range of cloths, I only needed casual. I would never have even considered a funeral a year ago. But here I am trying and failing to change, I feel so disgusting. The past week I've found it harder than ever to look in the mirror especially with that revelation. I feel like disgust inc...

At grandmas I kept hearing these cats meowing, at some point I actually asked my dad if they had cats upstairs!(which would be odd grandma hated animals) he said no. I was stunned the cats were clear as day, I could hear them perfectly, then he said next door there are a couple of cats, I never seen them, but keep trying to picture them. (Sorry Kyra for my Sketch-n-Walk absence as of late)

This week has arrived faster then I could have imagined. I feel so completely out of control. I would like to thank everyone for your kind and powerful words on my Demons posts, it's a brand new dark element in my life that I honestly just did not need to discover! I likedmy previous notions, that I was just a kid that just decided that food was so good I had to have all the time, and maybe at times I just got lonely and ate, but my reality is just awfully, and living with that and what it's done to me, honestly, this next part my life, this next phase, the rest of my life, will be harder to face than ever. I just wish this whole past week never happened, talk about deep impact. There were times I thought about taking that post down, I still find it scary to think that people can read that story, Im still rather shocked that I ever decided to write about it. I seriously cannot believe it's Monday, it feels like my days are just gliding by, I'm moments away from comple...

Overwhlemed is the word of the weak week I've used the word so much its become generic, yet there isn't a better word that could better represent me. Suddenly my life has so much going on and suddenly I have what seems like a million things to consider. Friday I opted to go to my fathers grandmothers  again, I'm not sure why I did, but I did. It was another awkward affair, just not as much as the time before. This time my mom didn't stick around. I was  there by myself with him for just hours. On the surface dad appears fine, he isn't crying, doesn't seem textbook sad, speaks when spoken to, but look a bit deeper and issues present themselves. He was in the exact same cloths he was in from a few days ago, he laid on the couch almost  the whole time. He barely ate any food, but drank tons of diet sodas, and he smoked, a lot. I was there for almost three hours before another relative arrived, she bought him some takeaway food, she offered me some but I declined ...