Overloaded

Overwhlemed is the word of the weak week I've used the word so much its become generic, yet there isn't a better word that could better represent me. Suddenly my life has so much going on and suddenly I have what seems like a million things to consider. Friday I opted to go to my fathers grandmothers  again, I'm not sure why I did, but I did. It was another awkward affair, just not as much as the time before. This time my mom didn't stick around. I was  there by myself with him for just hours. On the surface dad appears fine, he isn't crying, doesn't seem textbook sad, speaks when spoken to, but look a bit deeper and issues present themselves. He was in the exact same cloths he was in from a few days ago, he laid on the couch almost  the whole time. He barely ate any food, but drank tons of diet sodas, and he smoked, a lot. I was there for almost three hours before another relative arrived, she bought him some takeaway food, she offered me some but I declined I knew I was leaving soon, she asked me if I was spending the night which completely caught me off guard. I certainly had not planned on it. In fact as I was explaining that to her, my mother had arrived, the relatives insisted I come back and stay, that she worries so about him, I told her I might but I can't make any promises and headed out. I actually had plans to hang with my friends that night to kind of take my mind off of everything that had happened that week, but suddenly, walking out that door, I knew the right thing mentality would somehow derail that. I went home.

Mom asked me how it went, I informed her  it went about as well as it could. Certainly not bad I suppose, but that I was actually asked to stay over, she immediately agreed that I should have, I did not expect her to have that response. I wanted to melt, I decided that trying to save my sanity by taking a mental health day/s and hanging with my friends was going to have to wait. I had some two pieces of chicken I had originally planned to have for lunch, and snacked on some chips. I then packed up an over night sack, pills, cloths, iPad, and had mother take me back. I did not like the position I was in. But I didn't speak of it. I arrived back at dads, he seemed relieved that I had returned.

The night was spent watching  lifetime movie network, some short conversation were had at times, but time was mostly spent being glued to the TV. The programming was mind numbing (actually it was the repetition, I'm sorry but how many iterations of a story of a pack teenagers, overtly promiscuous, financially rich, morally piss poor, and someone dies, can they show? A lot.)! Why was he watching this stuff.... At some point a now familiar relative arrived to drop off some food for dad and was pleased to learn I was staying. She didn't stay too long but she later asked if I was staying for a few weeks or months, or if I was moving in, or if I could stay just up until after the funeral maybe? Ugh! I was taken a back once again I explain I had not considered any of that and for the timing being I was there just for the night. She told me to consider it and left. Too familiar. I got tired far earlier than I had any other day that week, I slept upstairs, my dad showed be to his room. Even though I knew exactly where it was he gave me the option to sleep in either his, or grandmothers room, but then guided me to his. It was the only time he went upstairs. I went up there around 10 pm, because I was tired, but didn't fall asleep until after 2... The room tempature got too humid at times and there was no fan, he had no tv, there was no so I couldn't  so couldn't watch Netflix. I hate dead silence, ironically it keeps me up. I played games, did some drawing some writing, organized my apps, and then luckily discovered I had Podcasts downloaded. I was so thankful I suddenly found an interest in Podcast  early this year, I had my favorite programs automatically downloaded the latest. Podcasts for those that don't know are basically internet based radio talk shows, essentially. So I listened to those for four hours while playing games off and on and finally fell asleep. I woke up after 10am, I was gone by noon.



Comments

  1. Wow, that all seems really weird. You've hardly seen your father and suddenly you're expected to be his support system? Don't let people push you into anything you don't want to do.

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  2. I am proud of you for being there for your dad during this difficult time Brandon. I'm sure it was very awkward but you thought of his needs/issues. Clearly, he's grieving pretty hard over your grandma.

    Yes, lifetime tv is pretty bad! I used to watch it all the time years ago but it's gotten to much for even me. You've summed it up pretty well. I think the only people still watching are probably teenage girls since all their programming seems to be for them. It is mind numbing though.

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