Food Addict. Emotionally Attached
Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior.
I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever.
Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is crumpling, falling apart people are evil, why put in so much work for that and be miserable hen you can have food now, and at least that's something? Right?
It's easy to get caught up in the overwhelming negatives of the world, the positive things can be drowned out so easily. I've trained myself through this lifetime to relate food to positive. I'm emotionally attached now by accident.
If this is going to work, if this weight loss journey is going to be successful I'm going to have to find something else to live for because when you only have one thing to live for (food) and your biggest goal in life (losing weight) requires you to dramatically change, cut, and reduce that thing. At some point the meaning of it all becomes blurred and then you're blind.
