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Showing posts from August 28, 2016

Passion, Inadequacy + Body Dymorphic Disorder

The week was rather solid, good even I'd dare to say, all the way up until Thursday, then I just went backwards I couldn't stay in that good zone, I just couldn't. My brother stopped by on his lunch break to, well grab lunch and to talk about his job, he actually recently switched welding companies to one right here in town, and of course the new crew are blown away by his performance ability. I'm quite proud of him, one thing I admire about him is how passionately he talks about it, he pulls out his phone and shows pictures of work he has done, how he had an idea to make the process more efficient, how the crew just lets him go for it cause he is so good. The guy really likes what he does, it's so genuine.

It reminds me of my friend Nick who is a produce manager for a major retail chain, he would show me pictures on his phone of his produce department, he tell me how he set up the fruit and vegetable displays and how people loved it and anytime we would go somewhe…

Advice To Myself

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Keep  your eye on the prize. The prize is the goal weight and so much more, that's what everything is for. Try not to get so easily distracted when the numbers don't go in the right direction. I've proved I can do this.

Seeing is not believing. Just because you don't see the results doesn't mean they aren't there, there many factors why I don't see the changes visually, but there aren't just visual changes happening. My health has improved as well.

Show appreciation for people/moments/things that bring you good times. I don't think I do this enough, just telling someone how much I enjoyed something they did for me, or just being around them, or saying hey, this was really fun (not that that happens very often) or that was very nice. Just hey, you are valued.

Loosen ties with people now that you are questioning the validity of friendship with. My circle of friends  isn't particularly large so the thought of it getting smaller is rather upsetting, ye…

By The Book

Yesterday I made it to the gym, I did 60 minutes on the treadmill clocking in over 5k steps apparently. I did the next hour on the machines, chest-press and leg-extension. Then I was out of there. They were once again very busy, my anxiety was quite high. While I was still on the treadmill I was actually contemplating on whether or not I was even going to walk over to the machines and equipment area at all because it was so crowded. I just kept hoping it would it would shrink down by the time I got off, it didn't. I lustered up the courage to go over there though, but at one point at the chest-press machine while racing with anxious thoughts I had to turn my music up almost to its peak volume to drown out my own thoughts. Normally I don't need my music to be that loud, I typically don't like the idea of someone else being able to hear my music but this time I didn't care. I unfortunately forgot my water bottle at home so needless to say I did not stay properly hydrated…

Beast Of A Burden

It's really interesting what happens to me when I gain, as little as a pound or so, I always feel as though I can see it somewhere like immediately in my face (the worst place) or I can just feel it, some  cloths feel less loose than before. Its funny how that works when I gain I see it almost immediately, losing well Ive had very few instances where I've actually acknowledged the possibility of loss aside from the numbers. I guess why I'm bringing this up is since I'm still up by a pound, yesterday I glance in the mirror and just felt like my face was fatter than ever, and was kind of blown away at what just one pound could do. Granted I do have body dysmorphic disorder, and a one pound gain could be contributed to a number of things so this could be all in my head, still, I swear my face is fuller and rounder and plumper.

Today I'm going to go the gym, yesterday I didn't workout at all, I kept putting it off until later and later, then I just didn't feel …

Less Than Stellar

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Yesterday turned out to be quite interesting, you see,  I ended up  mowing the grass in the backyard, my brother came to cut the grass Saturday but only cut the small front yard. I was pressured to cut the back yard I just agreed, but a thunder storm rolled in and I had to put it off until Sunday. So Sunday afternoon I decided to just get it over with,  I already knew this was going to be a struggle and I didn't want to have to look forward to it during any other day of the week. I got started after 1:30pm, it was well over 90 degrees, I decided it would be a good day to wear my black sweats and a black shirt (not the greatest decision).  I was sweating profusely, I had to keep taking breaks and drinking water I had massive headache. I probably should have called it quits early into the mowing process but I did not want to have to think about this again.


I finished the task after 4pm 1500+ steps later. I felt rather ashamed, I could imagine what the neighbors must have been thinki…

It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

Once again it somehow seems I found my way to the brink of yet another week. I didn't do too much this weekend, I got to see my nephew Kieryn, that was a treat. Literally the first thing he did when he walked in the door was asked where I was at, that felt pretty good. This past week eating wise was any improvement but not ideal, I think I took in too much sodium, I didn't get to the gym the 3 times I wanted either so this weigh-in might actually be another upset which I really just don't need.

I do plan on changing things up a bit this week, indefinitely. My calorie goal has dropped down by almost 300, going to start eating boiled eggs and toasts for breakfast maybe with jam and oatmeal still figuring that out. I'm going get on a fixed medicine schedule, I take my morning meds at such varying times each day, now I'm just going to make sure that I have an exact time from now on. Exercising will be a daily thing now, no more every other or skipping days. Resume post…