Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I got to make this quick. They may be keeping me over so I may not be able to post for a bit. I will update you guys as soon as I can, keep me in your thoughts. 

I didnt get much sleep, or maybe I did and it was just bad. I ended up waking up at like 4am! I dont remember when I got back to sleep, but i woke up again at 8, been up since. Something sort of interesting, or alarming rather, it appears two of my toes are partically numb. Now I know what your thinking! And so thinking that, I think it might just be nerve damage from standing. Im considering going to the ER but, Im trying to see if it resolves itself. Work at 6pm today, then Im off tomorrow. Im going to the counseling center Monday morning, if I make it to Monday. Im feeling a way that i cant describe, it feels like Ive already described everything Ive felt,, or I have felt all the feelings I can feel. I'm in some kind of after state now and its awful. I wish I could go back to January and be that morbidly obese guy that thought he could change his life, and started all this, life wasn't perfect, but the future seemed promising. Ill keep you guys posted on if I decide...

*I wrote all of this last night, but was so tired that I did not feel like proofreading and just fell asleep* Well, the day is done, and here's how it played out. So as I got to work and made my way to the break room to wait for clock in time, I was made aware it was pizza day, tons and tons of pizzas were available. I thought of how ironic it was, but I did not indulge, not even during my breaks. So I was doing computer training for about half my shift before I completed, once done I went to find Tammy to inform her I was done, and to begin more shadowing. Once I found her she told us we had to go on our lunch break, so it was back to the break room for me, I bought some bottled water and a mini bag of kettle chips that were 180 calories. I was thinking how good it would taste with some of that pizza behind me, but I did not give in. Once break was over it was back on the floor where I found Tammy and we headed to a register. At some point she was asked to work in another area...

That's what I work today, just a few hours away. I had some Raisin Bran for breakfast. Im kind of feeling out of it today and dont have much to say (yet), so this is it for now. Ill likely do a post work update. Its a long day, and its quite likely I will finish those computer trainings long before the shift ends, so it'll likely be an interesting day.

Today post work has been pretty boring, but that's kind of my life. I know Ill miss a day like today once I really start being a cashier and have to face that pain, but today was a good day, but this feels like the best of the best. I still come home lonely, I still feel insignificant, I'm still everything I was the day before, and hundreds of days before that. I recently asked you guys if I should get a phone and mentioned how social networking was rather bad for me, well Sunday I actually deleted my facebook account. I was just so tired of logging in and just seeing all the happy lives, and I know nothing on facebook is as it seems, but I still see people out with friends, going places, doing things, enjoying life, and then there is me. It was just toxic for me, I had to cut it off, maybe one day I will be able to use it in a healthy way, but for now its no good. Facebook though it isn't the big issue, its just this unhappiness, and feeling like I have no purpose. I...

Easy day, turns out I had another section of training to do, which has its own subsections. I honestly don't know when Ill be done with these now. The likelihood is that they will finish during my shift tomorrow sometime since it is a staggering 8 hours! I'm going crazy back there in the computer rooms, they keep playing the same songs in the same order, every time I'm there, and I noticed yesterday that everyone else I was in orientation with were done with training in entirety, so its taking me particularly long. I get back there and I cant seem to focus, either there is people coming in and out, or its just me, and my mind just wont stay still. I believe may have ADHD, I used to have an extremely hard time focusing in school, and would spend entire classes just doodling mindlessly on paper, or Id read a word that would remind me of something and then I could go into thought about that, which would lead into other thoughts. I remember how often I used to zone into a world...

Work in just a couple of hours, yesterday I did pretty well not to think of it much, but I had moments where I would think about going in today and it would feel like the air was suddenly knocked out of me. I would suddenly breathe hard, almost gasping, and that sinking feeling in my chest and stomach felt like a bottomless pit. Then it would be over.  I just don't want to deal with it all today, but I have to. I do plan on doing a post work update. In about an hour I'm going to have Broccoli for breakfast. I don't want to eat, but my stomach feels completely empty and I'm experiencing legitimate hunger pains. Here's some good news, mom recently bought a new scale online with a weight capacity of 550 pounds, so In a couple weeks I will actually be able to know my current weight. I'm scared and nervous, Ive wanted to know my numbers for a while, but I'm sure what ever it is, it will still be hard accept even though its obvious. Then there is the fear th...

I have not had a cellphone since I was working at Target, there has been times when I have seriously needed one, but didn't have one. When I stopped being able to afford my phone and it was ultimately cut off, I kind of  felt lost. I used my phone for social networking (loosely) , watching videos, and keeping in touch (loosely) . But it had a very nasty side effect on me, I would cling to my phone for some kind of validation, and that validation was never met. Id sit there staring at my phone wondering why no one had text me for so long, why I hadn't gotten a message on facebook, why I hadn't gotten any calls, and these things would boil in my head just becoming a bigger and bigger problem, and send me into long spells of depression. My first check is still weeks away, but I was wondering what I might purchase, and I was thinking of a phone, there are so many health related apps now that Id like to use, and Id really like to be able to blog on the go, plus I my oldest ne...

Something kind of progressive to talk about for once, and that is the goal I set for this month, in spite of the absolute nightmare things have been lately. I told myself last month that I wanted to cut red meat, and so for this month it is being cut by 99%, the only red meat currently in the house is pepperoni, mom is planning on making a healthy addition of her beloved homemade pizza. She was going to have turkey pepperoni, but was grossed out by how it looked. Also, at work the other day my pants kept sliding down, I think I may have lost some weight do to stress last week, or something, because my new pants were a lot more snug a week ago.

I woke up earlier thinking it was trash day, I was wrong. I noticed how I have some lingering back pain, in my lower back. I was noticing yesterday as I stood how my back just started to feel more and more strained. My knees are also hurting and are stiff, I'm worried about my left knee, because its becoming clear the longer I'm on it the more problems I have with it. When I was walking to break yesterday I could barely lift it. Tomorrow is starting to feel really scary again, because I know I'm going to have to deal with three issues, my feet, my knees, my back. I was actually surprised this morning to discover just how swore my feet were, because when I initially got home last night they didn't feel so bad. I am not off again until Sunday. A 4 hour shift, then an 8 hour shift, then another 4 hour shift. I'm going to try to enjoy this day off though. I was thinking the other day how much I miss not restricting my food. Yesterday at work in the break room...

When I got to work I initially thought I would be doing about 15 minutes of computer training, but then I remember how long they were and how many assessments I had left and realized it would likely take the  better of my shift to complete. I was happy, but when I clocked in, I discovered the computer system was having network problems, none of the training could be done until it was corrected! This meant that I had to be on the floor! They had me shadow a nice lady named Tammy, who is also supposed to train me once my computer training is officially finished. Now for a little on the shoes. I didn't try either pair on until right before I left, and I simply decided to put on the pair I would wear. so I still have no idea how the other ones are. That said after putting on the shoes I noticed how comfortable they were, it was like my feet were on some kind of cloudy cushions, the brand is Dr Scholls , they also make shoe inserts. I was optimistic heading out. So after about an h...

That is what I work today, 3 to 10, 7 hours of hell await me. I still have some computer training to finish but I reckon that will only take about 15 minutes. I begged and pleaded with time last night, asked it to stop so I wouldn't have to deal with today. I pleaded that I wouldn't even mind reliving the same day over again for the rest of my life it it meant not having be in the pain today is sure to bring. Alas, the time went on, and today has arrived. My anxiety has my I stomach feeling like the ocean during high tide. I will likely eat something very light, and have nothing else for the day. I certainly wont eat at work. About 10 or so years ago, I made the worst decision of my life, I could have been living the life I always wanted, instead of this. I had the opportunity to have years of obesity taken from me seemingly in an instant, but I turned it down. It has been weighing on me very hard the last day, I had almost forgotten until a recent comment reminded me of ...

Amidst the chaos I hadn't realized we silently crept into March, the 3rd month of the year. Feels like I'm still stuck in February, its hard to grasp the reality of it. February was turbulent to say the least, with each week seemingly become more catastrophic. I'm failing this weight loss journey and that hurt, it hurts me in my core, it hurts me all around. This was the first year in so long I set goals for myself, for the time maybe ever that I truly set out to change my life for the good, for good. February was suppose to be the month that I really started seeing results, like visually, I was suppose to be able to look at myself and go yeah, I'm losing weight for sure . But that hasn't happened, every little success is surrounded in doubt, because I just cant see it, and if I cant see it, no one else can. Its March, and this month is looking like its going to be absolute hell, I have no idea how I will manage. I just don't know how long I can feel lik...

I had a great dream last night. I was getting ready for work, I was emotionally misery and dreaded going, I had just put on my jacket when there was a knock at the door, it was Chris Powell from Extreme Weightloss , he told me he picked me to go on a one year weight loss journey, and to pack my bags promptly cause we were heading to LA for boot camp. The joy I was feeling, like that of hitting the lottery. It was a double win, one I got to get out of going to work and be in agonizing pain, and two I got to get a new life! The people on that show go through some amazing transformation and to think that I would be one of those people that in one short year my entire life would change and become what I always wanted, was amazing. It was all just a dream sadly, and I am fully awake back to reality, that was a wonderful moment  to experience even if it wasn't real. I wish I could be so lucky though. In other news it snowed again, a great deal, and is still falling at the moment.