Brandon, Who Lives At Home

The 26th is fast approaching and I’m a bit nervous. I’ve been suffering from Last Supper Syndrome. Trying to vacc down any and all foods I see fit before the liquid purgatory begins. Once I begin the liquid purgatory  I will stick to it, you have my word, it’s just the nightmare of getting there is in full affect. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, I’m actually currently dog-sitting a family friends pooch. I’ve dog sat before but always hate agreeing to it, it’s so much responsibility. And now with this extra weight it’s super taxing getting up and taking the dog out, not to mention it’s freezing. Can’t wait for Monday to get here so it can be over.

Things have been frustrating. After weeks of being in a caloric deficit I wasn’t getting results. In fact I was yoyoing in the same 4-7lb range. All this while walking daily. This past week as been an off week. I was dog-sitting for friends so I didn’t go walking at the park and my eating wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. I did go over my calorie limit by 800 calories one day. My sodium intake the past week has probably been outlandish. I do plan on resuming my walking now that I’m home, but scaled a bit back because I’m going to start doing my 5mile multi muscle indoor walk dvd again. I’m going to attempt 5 small meals a day and see what that yields. In other developments I’ve restarted the process of getting weight loss surgery. I apparently don’t need to redo the entire process. Which was a shock to me, I just have to redo some preliminary appointments and I could be good to go. I meet with my surgeon again next month and we’ll go from there

View this post on Instagram Anywho, I went cruisin for a bruise'n and got beat down. Not literally of course but that's how things went after the fast ended everything was good, but I basically, well no, literally reactivated my addiction on purpose. Anyways things have gone as they normally do except its different. I can't explain it. The attachment isn't the same but need for the attachment is still there. I've been looking into weightloss surgery for just under a year now, albeit reluctantly. I wasnt taking it too seriously though. Not until just before summer or maybe spring. Yes, spring then I thought maybe I really do need it. Anywho I was following all the steps my hospital required, ugh... on paper anyways. I had to see a slew of doctors and their psychiatrist. Who is wonderful, but they needed approval from both my therapist and psychiatrist as well as having an actual telephone call with my psychiatrist. ...

Today  Yesterday was another scheduled appointment with UC's weight loss surgery team/program. I've already stated how I felt going into this appointment after just last month being told I gained so much weight my insurance would never approve it (if presented). So how'd it go? You decide. First thing first. I had to get weighed-in. Like all my appointments since my last visit I've turned away so I couldn't see the results, thus I haven't known what if any progress I've made. I just know I felt the drive in my bones again. So I sat in a room for a bit then the doctor who I seen last time came in. I wasn't there to see him. The lady I was supposed to see was very backed up with clients and he was free. The first thing he asked me was what have you been doing the last month? I ask him what does he mean. He's looking at a laptop with my information on it with a flabbergasted expression. He says, like with meals and stuff you've lost 24lbs in a m...

It's been rough getting back into the swing of things. In fact I really haven't. Perhaps I just recently got the motivation to put forth the effort, but I must come clean. I actually started the process of looking into WLS last year, it's been on going, but basically I've been going through the process to get it. However since the beginning I never decided if I actually wanted it though, I still struggled with the concept. I continued on with my appointments regardless, and I kept gaining weight. Quite a bit since October when I originally started the appointments. I had a recent visit with one of the physicians looking over the process and he basically told me that my insurance would never approve the surgery with the weight I've gained. I knew that discussion was going to come up but it was harder feeling the disappointment and confusion  from the doctor when he was going through a graph that showed my sharp incline. Did I ever want it? I think I wanted to ...

Ugh doctors are interesting. Sometimes you have to just let them hear themselves talk, or  to insist to you how, or that you're wrong. The guy I seen yesterday insisted on talking to me like I was just any lazy fat person who was clueless about weightloss. I had to remind him  over and over yes I'm on the uptick but I've lost over 200lbs, I know how and what to do. He insisted on saying things like it's as easy as just doing this , just change your bad habits, just replace food with something else just do this, just do that . Just do it, and stop not-doing, it Yeah okay sir, anyways I did get to see my weight for the first time in awhile and it was shocking. Not quite ready to announce that number yet, I feel both compelled to get it down and also overwhelmed by just how high it is. In other news, Ive received a few messages from some of the people still in the php program.  Most recently, just yesterday said that it sux without me, I feel so conflicted by...

It's midweek. I've found myself questioning why I've taken on the task of doggsitting like I do every time. This time I'm just annoyed by things. They have a clear and abundant ant 🐜 problem, that means drop anything and you're swarmed. Not just that but they are just everywhere in general, littering the floor in the the kitchen, both bathes and are just everywhere. I'm so irritated by it. I won't be dealing with this again, I don't do bugs! I'm going to stop there about the pooch sitting cause this would just be one l ong post about every issue that's gotten under my skin. I have a doctors appointment today, it's looking into the weightloss surgery. There have been no decisions and won't be one, I'm just exploring. In other news that's a bit motivating, I have replaced the band for my smart watch, so there is that. So now once I begin lining things up, the dominoes will fall more easily. Having a smart and/or fit watch dur...

I'm dog-sitting until Friday . I'm feeling a bit 7more like myself someone I'd like to be . I'm laughing a hit more, joking a bit more. Just feeling a lot more okay. I do find myself having moments of sudden bouts of dread. Just feelings of "it'll all end up the same" "I'm still this" "I'm still that" and I have to immediately rethink. Not let myself stay there, not let myself entertain the thoughts. I'm still not eating right but I'm planning to put a close to my bad chapter by weeks end officially and begin getting back on track. Exercise, tracking the works.

Really it should come as both little , and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again . I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration. It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify. I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those st...

I mentioned before that my aunt had been looking to getting weight loss surgery. Well she is, she is getting the gastric bypass on the 28th of this month, I also mentioned I had not formulated an opinion. This had a lot to do with the fact that I was entertaining the idea that she maybe wasn't taking the idea of the entire procedure seriously, that this is just a quick fix to her. Mom told me just recently that she and my grandmother are actually against it, and my grandmother has told her she should just try to lose it naturally. My mother is more concerned because my doesn't tend to do things as she should. My aunt is diabetic as is, but she doesn't take her medication as she she should; not to mention recently being switched to insulin (via needle) for not following proper diet and she is still not following proper diet. Mom was discussing with me how concerned she was about the whole thing, I told her she should voice all her concerns to her and let her know how...