Everything Is Blue

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Anywho, I went cruisin for a bruise'n and got beat down. Not literally of course but that's how things went after the fast ended everything was good, but I basically, well no, literally reactivated my addiction on purpose. Anyways things have gone as they normally do except its different. I can't explain it. The attachment isn't the same but need for the attachment is still there. I've been looking into weightloss surgery for just under a year now, albeit reluctantly. I wasnt taking it too seriously though. Not until just before summer or maybe spring. Yes, spring then I thought maybe I really do need it. Anywho I was following all the steps my hospital required, ugh... on paper anyways. I had to see a slew of doctors and their psychiatrist. Who is wonderful, but they needed approval from both my therapist and psychiatrist as well as having an actual telephone call with my psychiatrist. Well my psychiatrist put a wrench in the whole thing because she had concerns about Yada Yada and it pretty much came to a stop. Bitter as I was I moved on and put it out of my mind for awhile. I mean I was never 100% about it. Anyways I did that fast but didn't her and my next visit with her was good. It took ages tor those two psychiatrists to speak, meanwhile I've dug and jumped back down the same rabbit hole I'm always in. Anyways I figured I had a ton of time to really figure things out. Those two finally talk, then I had to see the other psychiatrist again for a follow up going over everything checking how I was doing (they really seem bothered by this low percent of people that commit suicide after the surgery, and me) they didn't weigh me and I was glad. She told me at the end that now they'll submit everything for approval to insurance that it should take 2-3 weeks for an answer and hypothetically outline sort of the trajectory of appointments leading to surgery upon approval. Basically I had plenty of time to decide if it this was really for me, plus insurance could say no. Except they didn't, and not only that but they approved it after just 2 days and that changed everything. It's currently scheduled for the 27th of this month. After rerelooking into it I'm just⬇️
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I've been stressed the F out about all of this and honestly I've had moments of real destructive thinking, like none of it matters. I have this feeling sometimes that its lose-lose. Ill either get the surgery, hate it and myself, and dive into oblivion, or not get it continuing the current hate for myself and body, unable to maintain loss, gain weight and eventually dive into oblivion. I had this thought last night, like what if I was never suppose to lose the weight I lost in the first place. what if their was some anomaly in the cosmos that let certain suicide or health related death from a few years ago slip through the cracks and allow me to find the strength to lose weight. What if that wasn't suppose to happen and now its just correcting itself and I'm just suppose to die and be dead already? So that was a dark thought pattern I guess.

I decided to have my surgery date pushed back its now set for Nov. 12. This gives me more time to think things over and see the weight loss teams psychiatrist again. I need to be sure. Oddly enough soon as I rescheduled I immediately had regrets about doing so, but I don't know why, it passed but it was odd. 

My phone bit the dust  the other night so I'm completely phoneless and its a nightmare and honestly replacing it just isn't an option at the moment so this will be going on indefinitely. I cant upload to Instagram without a phone, the website only lets you like photos, like w-t-f? So my recent return there will once again have been short lived.

I've been having a time of it.

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