Showing posts from May 31, 2015

Feeling More In Tune

I must admit since starting my new antidepressant just a few days ago I've been feeling a little bit more balanced. I'm thankful to be feeling like I'm getting back on track mentally. I had therapy Wednesday and it went well. I'm hoping this effect isn't short lived. I will say, it's been great to be thinking clearly though, it's also been great to have regained my appetite. I've been eating a lot. I've went over my default calorie goal twice this week and don't mind. I may end up gaining weight next week as a result. I say this every time I go over and it hasn't happened yet, but who knows. I'm prepared either way. I really have to watch the low calorie intake, I just don't see how those celebrity's do it! I supposed if I had some kind of motorized contraption attached to my bed to make it, and thus me,  mobile, I could do it, otherwise I just can't do it, I have no energy, I get weak, I need to stay in bed. Ugh.

That brings…


Dinner with my friend from the Pavillion was fantastic went to this five star local barbecue restaurant. I considered canceling like 6 times as my anxiety just kept yo-yoing as the clock kept reaching closer towards the time. I had pulled pork nachos, you know, lol,  thinking back, I'm pretty freaking sure there was no cheese! I'm sure that was the point, it was quite delicious. She got brisket. We spent a great deal of time talking about a range of areas of our lives, it was quite nice. I had to mentally-visually mute out the other patrons as at times it got quite crowded, and it just made me nervous, and I was not fond of the close seating proximities. Still I had a great time and was glad I went. She strongly thinks I should go to some kind of support group for the over weight, which wasn't the first time it's come up, but it's been brought up more frequently lately, so I'm going to do some digging to see if I have any options as far as that goes.

My nephew …


I've accepted being single as a way of life for a very long time now. I think when I first realized I had to accept being alone I was probably really young, and attributed my only hope, to losing weight, that still stands. I learned early on that despite my personality I just wasn't desirable because of my weight. I don't recall the last girl I asked out, I'm pretty sure I was in elementary school. I finally learned, romance was not in the cards. It wasn't always easy accepting this growing up, specially not as every single one of my friends had a girlfriend at some point. I had to ponder the prospects of being forever alone if I never lost the weight, and I wasn't having any success. So you could say I had an an idea of my future. I thought I'd maybe focus on my friendships, but the weight would prove to be a issue there as well. Not helping the situation was that I was rather picky myself. I simply would not have any friends who smoked, did drugs, or dran…

100 Pounds Isnt As Good As It Sounds

Since I've been home from the Behavioral Health Pavilion I've lost 60 pounds. I went there in March. If I could make an educated guess on how much weight I've lost since I've embarked on my weight loss journey in total since September of last year, I'd say I lost about 100 pounds if not more. I haven't  really been tracking the grand total numbers, it's really been Myfitnesspal as of late. It needs to know your current weight to give you an adequate calorie deficit. Monday when it notified me that I lost 60 pounds I buried the information to the back of my head, and the next morning when I read a comment on this blog of someone pointing out that very fact it triggered a very power emotionally confused response. I remember  smiling at first. And then becoming so deeply consumed with depression, I again was having a breakdown. I've lost  60 pounds in a couple months, 100 pounds in less than a year, yet I don't feel like it. Ive seen those illustratio…

Those "OMG, I'm Way Bigger Than I Thought Moments"

I was never completely clueless about my size. I always knew I was overweight I always knew I was the biggest kid. The large one. The heaviest set one. I knew growing up that I was not in any way skinny. Unfortunately though, living, and seeing life through the 1st person angle we do, we can sometimes get a rather distorted, and/or convenient idea of ourselves, until we are snapped back into realities brutal grasps. I remember one of the first time I got too comfortable with the idea, and not the reality. The idea being what the picture in my head of me looked like, not what I or people actually seen. I remember it was summer and we were going back-to-school shopping a large retail chain called Hills. They had these giant mirror like windows wrapped around the the building as you walk towards the door. I remember walking up to the  building and laughing at the sight of me because I thought it was one of those circus-clown mirror distortions, but then I noticed my mom and my aunt looke…


I just can't wait to be able to sit back and relax in my new life and body. A life where Brandon lives, Brandon is in control. I sometimes envision Ideal/Future-self just wondering down the streets exploring the hidden beauties of my city, and snapping photos. Meeting local mom-and-pop shop owners  and taking pictures of their stores and knitknats for my photography blog. I can't wait for the day I wake up and I'm proud of myself, when I can look back at the current me as the thing of the past.

If only I hadn't squandered so much of my youth and potential away because of food. Wanting to be a weight loss success story is easy, the follow through is so hard. I'd say mostly because of the length of time it takes. At least for me. Anyways I like to think Ideal/future-self will have everything figured out, he won't, but it's interesting to think of the different, but normal types of obstacles he might face. I'm just so sick of being able normal. Just the ot…

Summers eve


Weight-In # Oh Who's Keeping Track

(I probably will after this, the irony, ugh!)

Let's just get right into this. The last few weigh ins I've just kind of announced where I'm at and have moved on without any other context, or feedback on the matter. With the weight that I am, and the amount Ive been losing, the numbers just don't seem worth celebrating. I feel neutral initially, then disappointed later in the week. Without further ado, last week I weighed 481, this week I am 477. That's 4 pounds down. There's that number again.... Moving on.

I've been feeling extremely exhausted all day. I feel like a snake, like a have to slither to move, and I feel weak. Perhaps I haven't been eating enough. My appetite has been nonexistent, my battle with depression just took it out of me, I'm kind proud of this. This only helped me. Had this been a year ago I would have ate, my depression would have triggered the opposite effect. Somehow I've changed my mind~

Having my nephew over today was a …

King Tree

Today's walk almost didn't happen, I had to force it. I woke up completely planning to blow it off, but I felt my anxiety trying to overtake me this afternoon and decided a lap around the block was the remedy. I think it helped.

I had a really really rough night last night, would certainly say I had a set back emotionally speaking. I've been doing fine during the day, and the evening, but I can't seem to get to sleep on time these last few nights, I think I was up until 4 am. My mind seems to revert back to that melancholy haze at this time for some reason. I also got into a rather nasty dispute with my buddy Matt on Facebook. I honestly think he may just be a horrible self-centered friend that I may need to cut from my life entirely. It sucks, I can't afford to drop any friends, but I'm not even sure he knows how to be one, there is no winning this one. It's not going to make things any easier for me going forward, not initially anyways.

Here's some good news that made me super happy. My nephew's Jaedyn and Kieryn mom told my mom that little Kie Kie was asking about me all week! How cute is that! That made me so happy. He is spending the day over tomorrow so that should be fun.