I've accepted being single as a way of life for a very long time now. I think when I first realized I had to accept being alone I was probably really young, and attributed my only hope, to losing weight, that still stands. I learned early on that despite my personality I just wasn't desirable because of my weight. I don't recall the last girl I asked out, I'm pretty sure I was in elementary school. I finally learned, romance was not in the cards. It wasn't always easy accepting this growing up, specially not as every single one of my friends had a girlfriend at some point. I had to ponder the prospects of being forever alone if I never lost the weight, and I wasn't having any success. So you could say I had an an idea of my future. I thought I'd maybe focus on my friendships, but the weight would prove to be a issue there as well. Not helping the situation was that I was rather picky myself. I simply would not have any friends who smoked, did drugs, or drank. I wouldn't allow anyone to try to influence me into those things, I knew I wanted nothing to do with those.

There used to be people in high school, unsavory types, but high up the latter socially, who would joke that they think I'd be really cool to hang out with high or drunk. I heard this dozens of times. People even offered to get me high. I was never on board, I stuck to my guns with vigor. But there did come a time when I wondered why I held out so much, I was miserable in high school, my social life was non-existent, I was part of few staying true to their self, but why was I? I wondered. I hated myself, or my life anyways, so what if I sold out and became a total pothead? Id have social life, I'd have a bunch more friends, I wouldn't be quite so pathetic and lonely! The truth is,  while I do believe those are nasty undesirable habits, the rational side me knows I simple could not afford to stack on any more bad traits on top of my obesity. That is and was my flaw. The plan has been to never  deliberately amplify that. Besides, deep down, I took pride in the fact that felt like such an individual.

After my journey is complete I'll be able to focus on romance again, as well as seeking out new friendships, sometime down the line. The idea that I could some someday get married or have kids is still much too new, but exciting. My nephew Kieyrn has certainly renewed interest in having my own kids.  If I keep the weight loss going my dreams could be possible someday.

Me playing the role of human cushion.


  1. I don't think you should give up on romance at any size. Lots of larger people have partners! Not everyone is so shallow to think you have to look be skinny to be worth spending time with. Do you think that way? Would you only go out with a Victoria's Secret model, only for her looks, and not care about personality or character? And you don't have to settle for people who do drugs. But you probably do have to find a way to meet some girls, get to know them a little bit, get comfortable around them. Look at them as friends first, and see if you hit it off.

    1. You made me realize I need to expand on this subject. So I will. Stay tuned.

    2. Sorry if that sounded aggressive! Just wanted to make sure you know skinny isn't everything. I went out with an actual model for about three dates (not even sure how that happened! Yes I feel paranoid about my looks too) and he was a complete asshole. His great body didn't make up for the personality!


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