Brandon, Who Lives At Home

For the longest I've taken full responsibility of my obesity, blaming myself because of the weight I became, after all, no one forced me to eat. After watching the documentary Fed up, I realize how there are a lot of outside contributions. For one,  misleading portion sizes. I've already written for my love of pizza rolls, but never knew how to pay attention to serving sizesas a child. If you look back at there commercials, they show a generic mom bringing a plate of pizza rolls to two kids to share, but not two individual plates with the actual serving sizes. The plate she brings has a ton on it, even if you divided the portion in two, it would still be more than there serving size, which is 6. I've never done less than ten at a time, kids like me seen commercials with big plates full and considered that the normal. Even as child though, I don't believe I could have been satisfied with 6 measly pizza rolls. In the early 2000s they started selling them in small boxe...

Well this day kind of just came and went. For breakfast I had scrambled cheese eggs, toast, hash browns and turkey bacon. I couldn't even eat the entire piece of bacon, I'm so sick of turkey bacon, I just couldn't do it, I gave my remaining pieces to my mom. I realized that even though I was supposed to stop the fasting since last week. I've been doing it almost everyday. It wasnt until yesterday that it dawned on me I skipped lunch or snacks all week. For dinner I had two tuna egg salad sandwiches with sliced tomatoes and onions with some 7UP. I didn't do too much today, I didn't go walking or anything productive really. I did watch another documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I plan to watch the sequel this weekend sometime. I unfortunately got to bed quite late, after 1am. My sleep, lately has not been great, I toss and turn now more than I can ever recall. Calories 2,052 Sodium 4,760

It's a new month, and I've decided my red meat ban has gone on long enough! I'll be easing off the turkey meats a bit in the process. I stuck it out for two months for reasons I really don't know, I guess to challenge myself, see if I could do it. Well it was murder towards the end, but alas, that's exactly what it is. The end. I don't know what I have in store for this month, but next month means half the year will be gone. Will I have had a mild transformation by then like I hoped? I think not.  Im thinking of actually maybe slowing down a bit, as crazy as that sounds to me. I once fantasized about having one of those eating disorders where you become so conscious and worried that you eat very little. At the start of the week when my low calorie intake had a profound effect on me, I considered the possibility of letting it go on, weakness, lack of energy, and feeling perpetually sick, were fair trade offs to drop the pounds. I haven't exactly come to...

"losing weight isn't as simple as calories in and calories out..." This day kind of just happened. There weren't  particularly interesting aspects to it. I was in a relatively low-mood the entire day. For breakfast I had a leftover turkey burger, and hash browns, basically the dinner the night before. I was really just trying to fuel up for my walk. In the afternoon me and my buddy went walking, it was a nice day, but I again wasn't quite into it. I wanted to quit halfway, even though physically I was feeling quite able. Once again my friend pushed me to keep charging ahead, and so I did. He invited me to go camping this summer, he and his girlfriend go a lot, they're going this weekend  in fact, and said I should join them sometime. I immediately declined, he asked why, I told him it was being outdoors, and bugs, but truth is I'm just scared to jumping into such a new unfamiliar thing. He argued that I should go camping at least once, I reminded him...

"I just couldn't luster up the emotional energy..." The week continued on bad note. I woke up completely unmotivated, my mind started to head into bleak territories early. I had a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs, hash browns and turkey bacon. I did not want to go to my therapy appointment, part laziness, part I didn't do my homework, it was impossible(I was suppose to write a love letter to myself). I decided to go, we talked about a range seemingly low-tier issues, but for some reason it was very emotionally exhausting. I left there feeling emotionally drained. When I went to the doctors office Tuesday, upon my exit a kid maybe age 8 or 9 (old enough to know better) yells "fat boy." His mother did nothing to correct him, I just continued walking like I didn't hear it. I was thinking "I'm taking this much better than I used to" as I walked away. By the time I got home I buried it to the back of my head and forgot, until therapy. My t...

"A rough day was had..." Yesterday I woke up feeling kind of yucky, there was just this gross chalky feeling in my stomach. For breakfast I had a cup of  mixed vegetables, and two tablespoons of pasta salad. I went for my walk at noon, and it was the worst. The whole morning I had been feeling sluggish, weak, and like I had no energy. I felt like I was getting exhausted from the slightest movements, and when I went walking it didn't get any better. I struggled through the entire thing, I wanted to quit less than half way, I wanted to sit on the benches, but my buddy convinced me to keep on, keeping on. So I did. I got home feeling drained, soon as I entered the door I went for the couch. My mom said it looked like I had a tough walk, I told her my situation, and then went to my bed and napped until my 4'clock appointment with my doctor. Felt like a chore getting to the car. My doctor increased one of my medications from once a day, to twice a day. I'm not ...

Yesterday was pretty interesting food wise. I weighed in and then promptly had a leftover hash brown and two servings of potato chips. I went walking in the afternoon and then returned home and had two cups of mixed vegetables. No salt, no butter, no cheese, just Mrs. Dash, and it was hard to get through being so bland, but was filling. For dinner more veggies, I had two cups of mixed greens with a couple ounces of shredded turkey. It was a low calorie day to say the least. Calories 607 Sodium 2,279 I was almost vegetarian for a day, if not for shredded turkey.

The lightest I ever recall being was chubby , I remember well because people were already starting to make comments about my growing weight, I don't remember a time before. I believe I was four or five. I don't know what triggered my weight gain, I honestly don't remember picking up bad eating habits until a few years later, but somehow, for some reason, I was gaining weight, while my brothers remained thin. The more I think about it the more confused I become. Somewhere between 3 and four, or 4 and 5. I gained a lot of weight. I remember outgrowing a Reds baseball outfit   (or was it Ohio State) that matched one my mom owned. I just remember getting compliments about it, I remember trying it on one day and being unable to fit in it. And then before I knew it, I was overweight. I continued gaining weight. Sometime between 5-7, I had an imaginary friend, a grandmother-like figure whom I always visualized being in black and white like I Love Lucy. I on...

"I strayed from my path for a week and I paid the price.." I knew today's weigh in wasn't going to be pretty. Last week I weighed 495 pounds, this week, the exact same! This is a defeat for me, yes it could have been worse, I could have gained, but if I'm not moving in the right direction, I'm moving in the wrong, and staying still falls in the latter. I look back at my week and I was extreme lenient with myself in comparison to ever other week. I broke my sodium goal  (2,300) every single day! And went over my weekly goal calorie regularly. The goal was to eat between 1200-1500 calories Monday calories   1,411 sodium 3,192 Tuesday calories 1,479 sodium 3,708 Wednesday calories 2,903 sodium 3,792 Thursday calories 2,610 sodium 6,450 Friday calories 1,978 sodium 2,931 Saturday calories 1,710 sodium 2,430 Yesterday (Sunday) calories 2,896 sodium 4,745 I went over my self appointed calorie goals, but never my default of 3,580. That...

Yesterday Was a mile day, for breakfast I had a peanut butter and jam sandwich, for lunch a bag of popcorn, and for dinner some pinto bean soup. I watched more True Detective, I now only have two episodes left of the first season. I read an issue of my Simpsons comics.  Called it a night a bit on the early side. Today I've been having issues with waking up at 2 or 4am in the morning and then falling back to sleep this past week. I've also been having issues dealing with my weightloss, or rather accepting it. One day I feel so proud the next I feel nothing. I'm having a hard time allowing myself be proud, or enjoy what I've accomplished. Sometimes it feels like I'll only be satisfied after I've lost every single pound I want to lose, and not a second before. That's hard to grasp, I've got hundreds of pounds to go, the idea that I wont be proud of myself till then is aggravating. But this whole journey is aggravating, I'm so tired of  secon...