Hot Then I'm Cold



Yesterday

Was a mile day, for breakfast I had a peanut butter and jam sandwich, for lunch a bag of popcorn, and for dinner some pinto bean soup. I watched more True Detective, I now only have two episodes left of the first season. I read an issue of my Simpsons comics.  Called it a night a bit on the early side.



Today

I've been having issues with waking up at 2 or 4am in the morning and then falling back to sleep this past week. I've also been having issues dealing with my weightloss, or rather accepting it. One day I feel so proud the next I feel nothing. I'm having a hard time allowing myself be proud, or enjoy what I've accomplished. Sometimes it feels like I'll only be satisfied after I've lost every single pound I want to lose, and not a second before. That's hard to grasp, I've got hundreds of pounds to go, the idea that I wont be proud of myself till then is aggravating. But this whole journey is aggravating, I'm so tired of  second guessing. I wish I could just allow myself the appreciation full time instead of short-lived instances.

Last night sometime I got a friend request from me of my brothers ex girlfriends. She also sent me a short message asking about him. Now I have a total six or seven (giver take) of their exes on my Facebook, and that is suddenly bothering me.

I found out today that my Aunt, whom next to my mom, I have the best relationship with, is being screened this week for a type of cancer called lymphoma. I found out quite randomly. I was sitting in the living room while mom was playing her beloved bingo games on her iPad, and I just asked her how my aunt was doing lately. I normally over hear them on the phone during the week, but hadn't. That's when she told me about everything, and I was pretty upset that I just found out. I'm so easily disregarded, I just kind of feel like I should have been in the know sooner. Not that it would or could've changed anything. I kind of wish I didn't even ask. It's going to be a snowball of anxiety, rolling down a mountain.

I've been feeling really down lately, and haven't been feeling like I'm doing anything fulfilling. My life seems to revolve around calories, walking, what I am, and what I can't eat. That feels like my life, living to lose weight to actually have a life? My homework for therapy this week is supposed to be some kind of love letter to myself, or something like that, and I just keep putting it off. I don't even know if I can do it.

Today I'm going to knock out the remaining episodes of True Detective, and read some more of my comics.

I'm glad this sad weekend is coming to an end. Here's hoping my week plays out better than these last two days (emotionally).

Comments

  1. When I am in "weight loss mode" it does often seem like that is my whole life too. Planning meals, cooking, eating and not eating and thinking about eating, reading diet books and blogs, exercising or procrastinating from exercise or planning exercise or looking at gym schedules but never going. It takes up so much time.

    You need to add in more things you enjoy but that also make you feel like you have accomplished something (so apart from TV and reading). A project that you can make progress on aside from weight loss. Like your art maybe? Creating a series of artworks to decorate your bedroom? Don't wait until you are thin to start living.

    I am trying to write a novel (editing stage now) and I procrastinate on that a lot, which doesn't feel great, but when I get some words down on the page, or finish another chapter, or when I finished the first draft of an entire novel (!!!) that felt so good. And it was separate to my struggles with my weight.

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