Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I am an addict.  Why would you do something that deliberately destroys you or your body , is what the thought that goes into my head when I hear about people addicted to hard drugs. Okay the thought isn't quite that generic but that's the point. You know what that drug is capable of, what it will almost undoubtedly do to your body, why start it? People start drugs for many reasons, I started my food (drug) as a child to cope. You're warned about drugs as a child, told not to smoke, stay away from alcohol, even condition to try not to get fat. But no one tells you that you can get addicted to food, and young child you cant articulate that you are addicted to food and have an emotional reliance on it too for the exact same reasons (what ever they may be) as some who is shooting up heroin or cocaine. Breaking the habit at any age is hard. Its strange being an adult, seeing the wrong and repeating it anyways. Its like you are on a little raft drifting down a river abou...

Sugar Addiction Today we'll talk about my sugar addiction. Its no secret that I have a binge eating problem, and the root in recent times is all things sugar. The last few years I definitely lost control over my will to remain in a healthy relationship with these types of foods and I returned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, so sugar became a Mainstay of my life again very recently. Last year I definitely snowballed out of control. I could eat anywhere from 3000, 5000 or 10000 calories in sugar a day and then do it all again the next day, and the next, and the next. The reason could be that I'm upset or happy or that I'm bored or perhaps I'm celebrating whatever it may be,  once I'm  eating a trigger it just keeps coming. Stopping that is really the issue, and I find that very hard to do. I don't eat  for hunger, that I know. I've binged before with absolutely no appetite, hell, even during some binges I've been bored. I most recently...

Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that." That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation.  The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The presen...

This is going to be a post of me trying to figure out myself, analyzing things. The journey has been going slower than ever, its taking me forever to actually drop lbs now, but why? Thursday I went to visit  my friends Nick and Melissa, they just had a baby, every time I'm over there my eating takes a dive (every single time). I told myself before that I wasn't going to break trend, I wasn't going to indulge in any of the temptation food they had laying around, but I did. I didn't just indulge, I over indulged, I had tons of snack cakes, and had a dinner far bigger than anything I usually would have, today wasn't any better. Now that I'm finally back home the I'm starting to let it all set in. So why am I breaking trend so much lately. Not just here, but at home. There was a period when I set out on a certain path, I was unrelenting, now I struggle to stay on one. To be honest I should probably be about 20lbs down further than I am, but since February ...

Lately I've been more pictures than I used to, and actually going specific places just to shoot. Unfortunately I've been finding that my photographers eye and actions don't sync up. This means That I've been pretty unimpressed with my shots lately, they all come across boring, non-compelling, and well... mediocre, and its really unsettling. I still feel very passionate about photography but I don't seem to have the eye for it I used to. Its rather discouraging, but this was the one thing I thought I was actually semi-good with and now the reality seems to be the opposite. I recently went on a 3 hour road trip to a state park with a friend and I was really excited about it, but once I got there I just found that I couldn't see anything worthwhile, but my buddy was shooting all over the place, I've noticed his eye for a good photo is better than mine and he is just starting out. Its kind of funny isn't it? I could see the opportunity in a photo far bet...

Therapy Wednesday went pretty well, I realize its now Friday and I'm just now mentioning therapy. I mostly just vented about things, which I really needed to do to be honest. I haven't been doing my homework assignments for therapy and I keep thinking about how I keep coming back to this image thing, and how I just binge ate the other day subconscious self-sabotaging myself. Ive been thinking about how hard it is to change this part of my thinking, this area of my mind. This is destroying my chance of happiness in the here and now, and I'm going to wind up having major depressive events at this rate like last year. I was thinking, about when I was younger, in fact, no, when I was at my peak weight, so not that long ago. Back when I used to think I could never seriously lose weight, never thought I could have a lifestyle change, could never radically overhaul my life and cut back in food. When I thought I would be 600+ Lbs forever, that there was no way I was ever going to...

Okay. Maybe I'm a little worse than I realized, I'm following a guy on Instagram who's peak weight is   What mine was, over 600. He has been losing weight all naturally and quite rapidly and often posts his MyFitnessPal food and exercise calories-in and burned-out intakes and well .... He has clearly developed an eating disorder, he eats about 300-500 calories in food tops and then burns several times that in exercise. Will he be able to sustain this long term after weight loss ? Probably not. However, his results are very clear, he just recently had his first skin removal procedure. He weighs less than me (he is in the 200s) and I believe he started in less time. He also has the exact same goal weight as I do, which I only recently discovered because I'm positive it wasn't the same before (so naturally I'm in my head as to why it is now). Earlier I had the luxury of having to stare at myself in a giant glass reflection of a window and I was just not pleased....

Listing the qualities of myself, because over time I've come to believe there is no good to me, that with every pound I gained I lost something in the process. This has resulted in powerful self-loathing that now I'm trying to change,  because of the roadblocks it's creating. Seems one can't hate them-self and continually think nothing but negative things about oneself without it manifesting into a bigger, more real problem. The real issue is progress, and happiness. The last half of this odyssey is going to need maximum efficiency, and consistency. I also need to truly believe in myself and actually value my accomplishments, and value myself. Here are some of the good qualities about myself to remember. Aware I have a mostly good sense of awareness in most situations, I'm certainly not a clueless person. I look, I see, I hear, basically I notice things. My attention to detail is rather good. I'm the type of person to notice when someone's hair is di...

So together with the readers of this blog, we begin to enter the next chapter Today I had therapy, it was much needed. Anytime there is time off from therapy I feel it, I had to take last week off because moms kidney stone removal. We touched down on a lot of things, the main focus was me and my disliking of myself and the roadblocks it's creating and how I've realized this in the past few weeks. I know this is truly the final thing holding me back, I knows it's keeping me from being more motivated, I know it's keeping me from being more optimistic, I know it's the reason I tend to beat myself up so badly when I make a mistake or when things don't go well, I know it's a large contributing factor why when I enter my severely dark depressed state I can even consider taking my life, it's the link between seemingly all my dysfunctions. My therapist gave an me one of two options for my homework, both of which are cheesy but for most people they could do ...

I can't like myself I can't believe in myself I can't be in a positive space about myself. I recently got comment on Instagram last week where someone said I was their role model. That's a pretty powerful thing to say, in fact that means I'm having the right effect though, that means I'm inspiring people. The heft of some the things being said doesn't register to the affect they should. I think it's because of this wall I have up against myself. I've been seeing so many things  about weight loss journeys and liking and/or believing in yourself for them to workout, I was on someone's Instagram page today where I seen a post that said you can't wait to be thin , and I felt  I was being directly called out (obviously I wasn't). Still I'm realizing that the way I've been going about this isn't going to continue to work. Depression monster got the best of me today. I can't pinpoint anything that's triggering me. So...

I haven't daydreamed about the finish line in quite some time. I suppose it has everything to do with my image issues, and also the fact that I'm simply not sure if I'll get there. I've been wondering when I'll  feel like I'm almost there , I'm thinking it's probably going to be when I'm in the 200s. the 200s really will be the last full one hundred I have to work off, and plus the goal weight is a little tiny island view away in the process. I just need to get there, unfortunately I have 64lbs to lose of the 300s still. @ObeseToBeast I see those amazing before and after photos where one is clearly of them at their heaviest and one is of them now unmistakably thin and I get very anxious and just have to move on, my mind just won't let me envision that for myself yet. It's been very interesting going on this odyssey for so long having for the most part felt like the changes that have happened were minimum, but kept going anyway...