Fear And Self-Loathing
So together with the readers of this blog, we begin to enter the next chapter
Today I had therapy, it was much needed. Anytime there is time off from therapy I feel it, I had to take last week off because moms kidney stone removal. We touched down on a lot of things, the main focus was me and my disliking of myself and the roadblocks it's creating and how I've realized this in the past few weeks. I know this is truly the final thing holding me back, I knows it's keeping me from being more motivated, I know it's keeping me from being more optimistic, I know it's the reason I tend to beat myself up so badly when I make a mistake or when things don't go well, I know it's a large contributing factor why when I enter my severely dark depressed state I can even consider taking my life, it's the link between seemingly all my dysfunctions.
My therapist gave an me one of two options for my homework, both of which are cheesy but for most people they could do with no issue. I on the other hand, cringe at the very thought of doing either one, even though one seems immediately easier than the other. The easier one is just from A to Z list out the positive qualities of myself (easy in comparison to the other). The other more hard one is to write a letter to myself, there are a few theme options, none I like, but if I go this route I'll have to pick one. Doing things like will lead me in the right direction, I just actually have to do it. Doing is really the issue.
I think I recently wrote, maybe a few weeks back that I don't ever remember liking myself. The other day while replying to a comment I suddenly remembered when I thought I could do anything, I was really young, I was still big, but I had an almost arrogant sense of confidence in my future and that I could achieve greatness if I tried, if I put my mind to it I could do anything. When I told my therapist this she asked me when and why did this stop, and I don't know when it stopped because I can't pinpoint when it was exactly, and I supposed I don't know why it stopped, but thinking about it now it probably happened progressively over X Amount of time breaking away piece by piece until I didn't even notice when it was gone.
There are days when I know I can be more motivated now, when I need to work out, there are days when I need to hold my head up high and say "you got this," there are days when I need to say "I'm not at my goal weight but honestly if there is one person who can make it to their goal it is you," but I don't do these things. I keep on keeping on, battling against myself as if I've scorned myself in some way and I'm holding a grudge. I told my therapist I think I also feel like I project onto myself how society has made me feel in regards to my weight. So over the lifetime I've just learned to loathe myself excellently and burying pesky good things about myself in the process.
Now I have to try and reverse this, first step is giving the homework a try, then we go from there...