Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Ive been in a state of self-ruining. Massive binges, pizza, chips, sweets, bread the works. Thousand upon thousands of calorie per session per day, My weight, I haven't checked in awhile but i assume I'm back to 500lbs. My clothes are ripping and tearing, otherwise they are tight and constrictive. My phone is broke still so I'm phoneless, I broke my last pair of headphones so I cant even listen to music on my incredibly laggy laptop. Face is breaking out, I'm hot all the time. I hate my existence. Im planning a bit of a reboot, an all liquid diet. Just protein shakes. I really did like doing those mild extended water fasts, 9 and 7 days respectively, but i just don't get enough nutrients and i cant afford the expensive things I've seen The Fasting Fatman use so, I'm trying a different route. Protein powder. Begins with a 1 day pure water fast then I'll begin Im attempting to arise back above the surface of rock-bottom.

Had the surgery postponed again, if you remember  a few posts ago I mention it was set for late September which I rescheduled for mid November and now I've had to postponed again, long before the date just because I don't think I can succeed with it at the moment. Back into weight gain abyss I go indefinitely.

I am an addict.  Why would you do something that deliberately destroys you or your body , is what the thought that goes into my head when I hear about people addicted to hard drugs. Okay the thought isn't quite that generic but that's the point. You know what that drug is capable of, what it will almost undoubtedly do to your body, why start it? People start drugs for many reasons, I started my food (drug) as a child to cope. You're warned about drugs as a child, told not to smoke, stay away from alcohol, even condition to try not to get fat. But no one tells you that you can get addicted to food, and young child you cant articulate that you are addicted to food and have an emotional reliance on it too for the exact same reasons (what ever they may be) as some who is shooting up heroin or cocaine. Breaking the habit at any age is hard. Its strange being an adult, seeing the wrong and repeating it anyways. Its like you are on a little raft drifting down a river abou

View this post on Instagram Anywho, I went cruisin for a bruise'n and got beat down. Not literally of course but that's how things went after the fast ended everything was good, but I basically, well no, literally reactivated my addiction on purpose. Anyways things have gone as they normally do except its different. I can't explain it. The attachment isn't the same but need for the attachment is still there. I've been looking into weightloss surgery for just under a year now, albeit reluctantly. I wasnt taking it too seriously though. Not until just before summer or maybe spring. Yes, spring then I thought maybe I really do need it. Anywho I was following all the steps my hospital required, ugh... on paper anyways. I had to see a slew of doctors and their psychiatrist. Who is wonderful, but they needed approval from both my therapist and psychiatrist as well as having an actual telephone call with my psychiatrist.

So my mom is leaving for North Carolina for a week today. I'll have the house to myself I've already raided ze liquor cabinet and wine cellar, sent out party invites to 3,400 strangers on Facebook set for 12:am Saturday night and I'm having the finest Cuban cigars imported. It's going to be litty! And scene. My mom really is going to NC for a week tho. I'll be all by me ownsome in this haunted Mansion.  Although technically neither haunted nor Mansion, still I may wish I had my own dog (you know, moreso), or at least a furby.

You may have noticed I switched the blogs comment system. The one in use now is one that is very popular and used by most major websites and blogs, actually most might be an overstatement but it is all over. I thought this system would be easier for people to use, plus I was having issues with the old system suddenly not allowing me to comment on mobile. This has seemingly been remedied, however the new system required I change the old interface/layout of the blog which you may have also noticed. It seems the Anonymous option is no longer available? I'm going to see if that can be remedied. Also I did not know there had been a few comments since the switch, blogger would show an indication when I logged in and looked at my post but I guess since they don't actually host them now they don't show any new. I figured out  I have to check the other place. It's not as complicated as I make it seem. But kinda

Picture an American tourist in Mexico who doesn't know a lick of spanish, trying to explain to someone that they have an ear infection, saying the headline. It just came to me. It's not unrelated! I have an ear infection. The first time since I was a toddler. It didn't come accompanied with anything else like they normally do (I'm told) no cough, sore throat, stomach aches, digestive disturbance, none of it. I do however get swimmers ear everytime I shower and this one time last weekend I didn't shake it out my head because I was letting my hair drip dry and it would have effected my curls! In 31 years this is the first time my swimmers ear causes an ear infection?... I dunno. Another possible cause is my friends dogs whom were literally liking me in that ear a week prior. Ah, no way! Sure one of those dogs licks their area a little too often, said unsaid dog also has been known to dine on their own stool , but pfft. In future though I may just prevent the ear

Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is

Failed already Mom unexpectedly bought me McDonald's for breakfast. Did have the will to turn it away. Maybe tomorrow...

Okay today we have a do over. Fast. Just fast. No food. Easy! .......

Failed. Wanted sugary binge foods, got them . Reese big cups (5) Half dozen glazed donuts Doritos Frozen Pizza

Feel urge to eat. Urge, not need, urge. Food has been on my mind all night. Whether or not I'll stick to the fast, thinking if I should my do my upteeth final hooray meal then begin reset. I've drank 10oz of water. Took my meds for the first time in a full week. Attempting to stay on path

Cleanse via  some sure to be gross  tea my brother has given me Charge my Fitbit that I haven't worn in weeks Charge my headphones.

Is what my neighbors must think about me. I imagine them peaking  me out atchingtheir windows watching me yoyo 20-40lbs every other month. I'm sure for awhile they noticed when I was losing, I wonder what they thought then. Maybe they thought I had surgery, who knows. Everytime I step foot outside my door now I'm very self-conscious, especially when I know I'm heading off to get food. They must think there he goes again. I found my way back to 464lbs after several weeks of just atrocious eating. I only feel alive when I'm over eating. Wish I weren't when I'm finished. I didn't go to therapy this week, I have to see my psychiatrist and therapist next week, although I might again skip therapy yet  be a g ain.  I'll be lying my ass off to the psychiatrist. I'm going to do a cleanse and fast to drop  the water weight so that when I get on that scale it isn't obvious that I said t o hell with it all . Just smile and look functional and no

I'm In the bad place

Switching to a mostly daily update routine Clean =trigger foods Sober = binges, emotional eating. No food coping It's become clear to me that I need to fill my time. I need to be doing some thing. Get out more. I realize in the last year I've been more isolated and gotten out fewer than any time since 2015. Some of that has Todo with social anxi ety but a bigger be part has to do with perhaps the  shitty things I've exp erienced in the public in the last year. My great aunt stopping me in a busy store and letting me know how basically unrec ognizably fatter I've gotten. I had that incident with that random woman at my therapist  office where she less than subtly   inspected me and turned and asked the reception i st if I was a guy or girl . I had that incident with the laughing kids, the increased stares at the store and most recen tly that outlet mall incident  witha friend a few months ago. No one in my life has ever understo

Today begins the first day of my fast. Was supposed to begin two days ago, but I just wasn't ready.  Im as ready as I can be now. What after the fast, what after I get back on my regular routine and things are fine for a few weeks? What when the inevitable problem occurrence occurs and start eyeballing food to cope, then what? Does it all go to hell again? 

Mom turned 60 today. Kind of a scary age. I don't like the reality of my mom getting older but I have to accept it. I'm glad she's still around and mostly agile. I need a lot of working on. There are things that I need to let go of that would improve our relationship 10fold. I just keep certain resentments  that do me no good. I hate the idea of letting go because it feels like I'm saying it was all okay, like it didn't matter . Learning to let go is really something I have to bring to the forefront. I've been on a bender be all week. Homemade pizza one day, taco Bell, McDonald's, Lee's (it's a chicken place), chips, and tons and tons of sweets. Yes, Reese's! Sadly they have made several appearances, all kinds of things covered in chocolate, cookies, kit Kat bars, the works. Just bingeing and bingeing. I've sure to have gainee a nice chunk of actual weight, not to mention a crazy amount of water retention. I've b

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.

Its been awhile. I gained some weight, lost some again. Recent actions dictate a gain if I dont stop now. My second stint in the partial program has come and gone. Last Friday was my last day. Now what? I've been eating like crazy all weekend. I keep expecting food to give me something it cannot. Validition or purpose. Any perceived benefit from this habit is temporary and destructive. I'm not going to therapy tomorrow. I just want to be alone. So much time has been wasted on me

 Not a simple answer. I grew up with two older brothers who I felt my mom favored, especially the oldest. They were also in trouble alot. I was very attached to my mom but  she used most of her time and mental resources on my brothers. I was much different than my brothers, easier. Mom was easier on me and spoiled me when she could. My brother's hated this. Because I was so much more of  an easier child, I was left to my own devices quite a bit. But during my childhood our relationship was at its best, it's also when my bingeing started. I did have an imaginary grandmother tho, in spite of having 2 grandmother's. I'll add more to this later, but for now this is it. 

It's been a few weeks since my last update. Things are going well. I was able to turn things around. Got back to eating on track, and avoiding binging. I took preemptive step with my mental health by going back into that partial hospitalization program. I felt I needed to get ahead of of the slow sink I was getting in because I wasn't binging. I figure this would strengthen my mental and prevent a future relapse and allow me to lose weight more consistently because there will be no setbacks. Last week was my first week back, it's interesting this time around to be quite honest in. I have questioned whether I should have returned. The other stories I hear while there are so much more severe and gripping. But I'm hacking through the bad self talk. I haven't hit the gym much at all. I did go Wednesday of last week. And I made major improvements. I was able to do 25minutes on the elliptical and hit some machines. Felt like a return to form. I over  did it on the l

I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints

Sunday I went to the outlet mall with a friend and it was anything but ideal. I don't normally go to a place like that but for some reason I decided to go that day and it was almost a worst-case scenario type of deal. I was definitely getting some pretty hard and very obvious stares at me, some people were just being outright rude there were two separate incidents with groups where there was one single person who was just staring at me and then they turn to their friends and whisper something and the whole group would turn tolook at me. I just pretended like it didn't bother me or that I didn't notice and by the time I got out of that whole mall I was just kind of ready to deflate. It was just an awful experience and I really haven't had one that bad in... really years and its just you reminder of how far I've fallen from grace and how no one really knows what you're trying to do. I remember  saying this years ago probably, on this blog and also to my

Today  Yesterday was another scheduled appointment with UC's weight loss surgery team/program. I've already stated how I felt going into this appointment after just last month being told I gained so much weight my insurance would never approve it (if presented). So how'd it go? You decide. First thing first. I had to get weighed-in. Like all my appointments since my last visit I've turned away so I couldn't see the results, thus I haven't known what if any progress I've made. I just know I felt the drive in my bones again. So I sat in a room for a bit then the doctor who I seen last time came in. I wasn't there to see him. The lady I was supposed to see was very backed up with clients and he was free. The first thing he asked me was what have you been doing the last month? I ask him what does he mean. He's looking at a laptop with my information on it with a flabbergasted expression. He says, like with meals and stuff you've lost 24lbs in a m

Today wasn't a good day. Persistent intrusive thoughts plagued me. My energy dipped and stabilized and dipped again.My mind began to wonder, is life worth all of this? Will there ever be a time where I look back on thoughts like that and wonder how I could have ever been that way? PTSD was mildy triggered today, but it often is, but today it really bugged me, dealing with the heightened anxiety and hyperawareness because someone decided to come knock on our door after 9pm. It was just my brother and his fiancé, but I wanted to scream. I'm so tired of these little panics over small things like this. Sudden loud noises send me into the same stage. My friends have always thought it was funny how easily I'm scared, I've never bothered to tell them the deeper meaning. Anyways this is just bugging me today more than usual, I've been dealing with this for about 15 years now so I manage, but sometimes on top of other things its a bit much! Today I took out the trash an

I haven't blogged in a week+. Things are still in track, not sure what was with the mini break. I guess I just felt all written out. Last Friday I seen my psychiatrist, she was very pleased with my developments. I have not exercised much at all. This week so far, just one day. I haven't been eating a lot and I honestly feel it throughout my body so I've been trying not to over do it  In the past this is the exact type of thing I'd be reaching for, but no! I met with a longtime friend of mine Wednesday. I dont get to see her very often she's always busy, teaches and lives out of town. She bought me a new fitbit! She gets them 50% off at Verizon because she knows someone there. Or rather that person gets 50% off but uses it for her. I look up to her quite a bit, her life while hectic, seems so interesting and full. Hit the store yesterday I just needed more oatmeal (but also got yogurt, chips, milk) and it was tough. They had the store littered with triggers.

Today I'm feeling bitter and emotional. Not at myself but at other people and their actions. A friend if mine was very short with me for a week and it didn't improve over the last. I'm just completely removing myself from that situation. Really though it's my two friends who are dating but I basically only talk with one of them unless I go over there. The relationship is toxic and she knows it and I believe resents me for being honest about it, and despite being torn down and emotionally broken time and time again, won't leave. Meanwhile, he is steady gaining weight. He is nearing 500lbs. I hear he goes to workout sporadically. I find this odd because he has never asked me to join. Hes never been consistent, but it bothers me considering I was not shy about how far I'd fallen. Another problem is he idolizes these guys from his work. But they are piss poor morally human beings. Types of individuals I'd never associate with. Because I have principles. But

Sugar Addiction Today we'll talk about my sugar addiction. Its no secret that I have a binge eating problem, and the root in recent times is all things sugar. The last few years I definitely lost control over my will to remain in a healthy relationship with these types of foods and I returned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, so sugar became a Mainstay of my life again very recently. Last year I definitely snowballed out of control. I could eat anywhere from 3000, 5000 or 10000 calories in sugar a day and then do it all again the next day, and the next, and the next. The reason could be that I'm upset or happy or that I'm bored or perhaps I'm celebrating whatever it may be,  once I'm  eating a trigger it just keeps coming. Stopping that is really the issue, and I find that very hard to do. I don't eat  for hunger, that I know. I've binged before with absolutely no appetite, hell, even during some binges I've been bored. I most recently

Tod ay's post was just going to be a rant about how my family just doesn't give a damn about me. How little effort or concern was put in concerning the flu. But never mind. Today I'm at about 60% so I'm not really sick anymore, but my body is still weakened from the battles soup diet it endured. I had to walk to my doctors s appointment today, I really wasn't feeling up for it but everyone was busy. My doctor basically told me I'm too late, that there's basically nothing to do now that it's over. *Sigh* The flu normally lasts a week I was told, and my exercising likely irritated it along the the week. My body must have been fighting wicked hard. I have a high threshold of pain so those aches and pains that didn't quite feel right I had been feeling were red flags. The fact that Friday and Saturday were so unbearable tells me two things. 1, my body did an amazing job for almost a week exactly fighting it, it could have been like that all week. And

Turns out I have the flu. Last night things hit a fever pitch. The vomiting, projectile by the way, started, headache, chills. The body aches had hit an all-time high. I've been absolutely miserable and to think that I thought this whole time it was because I returned working out. I had the symptoms of the flu this whole time and this is where I'm at. I've been in bed all day I'm terrified to eat anything I've been drinking of course all those fluids leave quite quickly. I think I'm making some chicken noodle soup later but I doubt I will, it's an absolute chore to stand upright. It's a chore to lay in certain position, literally laying on my stomach with my blanket over me is the best position I found. That doesn't last for too long. My muscles are sore and achy that I can't have my legs bent in certain ways because my knees hurt so much that I can't think straight. I don't know what it does but it just hurts worse. So that's the

My body is so achy it seems un - natural.  It's in my lower back, my knees , upper legs and shoulders. I struggled through yesterday's workout bad. It almost seems to have gotten worse by the day. I didn't work out Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Yesterday I hit the gym for the first in months, since the crack of January, and it was incredibly rough. I attempted doing the elliptical and could only luster a total of 15 minutes nonconsecutive. First round did just over 11 and felt disgusted. After I hit the rowing , chest press, and seated leg press machines I decide to try to redeem myself on the elliptical. I made it exactly 4 minutes...*sigh*It was the biggest flop I've ever had returning to the gym, cardio is my forte, so I was just really feeling bad inside. Also, I kid you not! This older man literally looked at me  and did one of these numbers But more jackassier. I'm trying not to get discourage I really am, but its like now that I'm back on track the

I've gotten back in control. The last few days I've been doing my 60minute workout, tracking my calories, drinking my water, and eating below my calorie range, and eating healthy. I believe I'm having sugar withdrawal, I've experienced a killer headache, cravings out the wazoo and muscle aches and pains. I know it will eventually pass but it's no fun at all. It's especially important I Stay away from sugar loaded things. My action plan is to continue this for weeks before making changes. The plan is as followed. I eat within an hour of waking up, I eat a lunch and dinner. Light snacks in between if necessary to curve hunger and avoid binges No trigger foods : donuts, cookies, snack cakes, honey buns, candy bars, peanut butter, pop tarts, granola bars, cold cereal Workout a min of 4 days a week. Mix between, home workouts and the gym. Log my food It sounds simple enough, but it never is. Blind perseverance will have to get me through, because t

It's been rough getting back into the swing of things. In fact I really haven't. Perhaps I just recently got the motivation to put forth the effort, but I must come clean. I actually started the process of looking into WLS last year, it's been on going, but basically I've been going through the process to get it. However since the beginning I never decided if I actually wanted it though, I still struggled with the concept. I continued on with my appointments regardless, and I kept gaining weight. Quite a bit since October when I originally started the appointments. I had a recent visit with one of the physicians looking over the process and he basically told me that my insurance would never approve the surgery with the weight I've gained. I knew that discussion was going to come up but it was harder feeling the disappointment and confusion  from the doctor when he was going through a graph that showed my sharp incline. Did I ever want it? I think I wanted to

I'll be spending my Sunday organizing and switching together my action plan for weightloss  going forward. Did run into a bummer, the wristband replacement I ordered off Amazon was dud. So once again, no smart watch, more bummer, last week watching those heathen dogs I dropped my phone and now the glass where the back cameras are is all cracked up so pictures are sort of ixnay. I could take these as signs to wallow in pity and just tack on another 100 days of binges, but I'm just going to go forward. I didn't have a phone when I first started or a smart watch. That being said I may look into getting some kind of sponsorship this go around. I've seen some people on Instagram with them some people whom have made very little progress but have large followings, which irked me. But yes, Monday will be a very tough turning point as I put whatever I have cooked up.

Ugh doctors are interesting. Sometimes you have to just let them hear themselves talk, or  to insist to you how, or that you're wrong. The guy I seen yesterday insisted on talking to me like I was just any lazy fat person who was clueless about weightloss. I had to remind him  over and over yes I'm on the uptick but I've lost over 200lbs, I know how and what to do. He insisted on saying things like it's as easy as just doing this , just change your bad habits, just replace food with something else just do this, just do that . Just do it, and stop not-doing, it Yeah okay sir, anyways I did get to see my weight for the first time in awhile and it was shocking. Not quite ready to announce that number yet, I feel both compelled to get it down and also overwhelmed by just how high it is. In other news, Ive received a few messages from some of the people still in the php program.  Most recently, just yesterday said that it sux without me, I feel so conflicted by

It's midweek. I've found myself questioning why I've taken on the task of doggsitting like I do every time. This time I'm just annoyed by things. They have a clear and abundant ant 🐜 problem, that means drop anything and you're swarmed. Not just that but they are just everywhere in general, littering the floor in the the kitchen, both bathes and are just everywhere. I'm so irritated by it. I won't be dealing with this again, I don't do bugs! I'm going to stop there about the pooch sitting cause this would just be one l ong post about every issue that's gotten under my skin. I have a doctors appointment today, it's looking into the weightloss surgery. There have been no decisions and won't be one, I'm just exploring. In other news that's a bit motivating, I have replaced the band for my smart watch, so there is that. So now once I begin lining things up, the dominoes will fall more easily. Having a smart and/or fit watch dur

I'm dog-sitting until Friday . I'm feeling a bit 7more like myself someone I'd like to be . I'm laughing a hit more, joking a bit more. Just feeling a lot more okay. I do find myself having moments of sudden bouts of dread. Just feelings of "it'll all end up the same" "I'm still this" "I'm still that" and I have to immediately rethink. Not let myself stay there, not let myself entertain the thoughts. I'm still not eating right but I'm planning to put a close to my bad chapter by weeks end officially and begin getting back on track. Exercise, tracking the works.

Yesterday was amazing. I never got so many hugs. I felt like Beyonce for a day. I was sent off with ice cream. One member made me a poem, another gave me a sketch book and pastels cause she knows I like to draw and I doodled a lot during session, someone selected a song for us to listen to because the night before they heard it on the radio and the song "makes me think of Brandon, cause he makes me smile." the song was September by Earth, Wind & Fire . It's such a upbeat song and so infectious, I was so touched. We were all dancing in the room whilst having discussions about confrontational wordage that instantly makes people defensive, even if you're rightly  addressing something wrong they did. I.E y ou always ... Or you didn't , You statements makes people defensive and tune out. But "I" makes things more neutral ground. I feel like you didn't listen to me ...." I'm not sure why I've added all that. back on topic,  3 people to