aNGˈzīədē
Switching to a mostly daily update routine
- Clean =trigger foods
- Sober = binges, emotional eating. No food coping
It's become clear to me that I need to fill my time. I need to be doing something. Get out more. I realize in the last year I've been more isolated and gotten out fewer than any time since 2015. Some of that has Todo with social anxiety but a bigger be part has to do with perhaps the shitty things I've experienced in the public in the last year. My great aunt stopping me in a busy store and letting me know how basically unrecognizably fatter I've gotten. I had that incident with that random woman at my therapist office where she less than subtly inspected me and turned and asked the receptionist if I was a guy or girl. I had that incident with the laughing kids, the increased stares at the store and most recently that outlet mall incident witha friend a few months ago.
No one in my life has ever understood my social anxiety. I've had it downplayed and trivialized so many times. My brothers basically outright dismiss it, the welder seems to think I just need to jump right into the world and forget my pesky social anxiety. As if didn't have to build up to the point I'm at now. No one remembers when I stayed in the house for years. Or how I never went with my mother to get groceries until late '15.
One thing I can't handle anymore is people telling me how I shouldn't care what others think. Well no duh, but if I could just not care I wouldn't have such a problem. My nephew graduated last month and I didn't go, I wanted, but they were having the ceremony for his class at some stadium and I couldn't begin to comprehend the crowd. I missed it.
Uncle Brandon isever there. Unlike my uncle's who were arsehole and didn't want to be involved, I did and do. But I'm absent every time. All this because of weight. Because of the humiliating things I dealt with growing up and throughout life because of it. I had dreams once, when I was in high school I had goals, but the trauma from my experiences kept me from venturing out into the world.
Uncle Brandon isever there. Unlike my uncle's who were arsehole and didn't want to be involved, I did and do. But I'm absent every time. All this because of weight. Because of the humiliating things I dealt with growing up and throughout life because of it. I had dreams once, when I was in high school I had goals, but the trauma from my experiences kept me from venturing out into the world.
A lot of time has passed since then. Can never get it back. I've made a lot of progress in the last few years but I'm still a hermit . The isolation only causes harm but the opposite causes it too. Lose weight. That's the answer. Im stuck because I want the change but also I'm discouraged by my age. I constantly feel like 30 is too late, you can't repair yourself this late, I don't have credentials, no job history, zero achievements. 30.. 31 to be exact. Feels so late.
