Seeking Refuge In Food

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I'm In the bad place

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DEEP BREATH

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The week started out well and then ended rather bumpy. A  few months back my psychiatrist ordered an ECG because I started Vyvanse a switch from strattera for my ADHD & B.E.D . I dragged my feet about getting it until a few weeks ago. The results, a diagnosis; Sinus tachycardia , non-specfic T wave abnormality, abnormal ECG.  We couldn't go any further up on Vyvanse because of this. I've been ordered to see a cardiologist. This could split into any number of ways. My friend recently gave me her series 2 apple watch, I gave my fitbit to my mom. The apple watch is constantly alerting me of having a high or elevated plus/heart rate, I'm probably going to need to get an a newer one because they have a built in ECG monitor. But of course I cant afford it.  Im stuck in a state of balance, but its getting wobbly, I think I can just turn this around by losing weight, then I think of how far I've fallen. Im back on high blood pressure meds and my heart might be in tr...
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3O

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Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy , that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either. At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it w...
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Fitness Boot Camp Week: Day Two

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Today's fitness goal is to once again tackle the 4 mile challenge like yesterday. And to do 10 minutes of arm curls with the dumbbells. Today's food goals are simple, stay below 1,800 calories and no chips! I'll be watching two of my nephews for a while today as well. I often think I'm as matured as I'll ever be, often thinking I'm extremely mature compared to a lot of people my age, but yesterday kind of opened my eyes. A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, and decided upon myself that it was wrong, and for a year and a half I carried on like I never had been delivered that news. That wasn't mature at all, as far as maturity goes I thought I had grown to the highest point, that there wasn't anymore room for growth, because I didn't need it. Now I see I still have some growing to do. I would not have allowed a friend or family member to disregard a diagnosis like that, so it was pretty hypocritical of me. It sadd...
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