Seeking Refuge In Food

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I'm In the bad place

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All Good Things, Come To And End

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Lets talk about tv shows, or really, a tv shows end. I cry when a show I like comes to a definitive end. There is something so sad about seeing something you enjoy stop. Tv shows can be so silly, especially the ones I get attached to, but being entertained is wonderful, more so if you can be amused and made to smile.  Getting connected to characters, to themes, little running gags etc is a special thing. But eventually it ends, Golden Girls, King Of Queens, 30 Rock, Regular Show, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are just a few a few of my favorites that ended. I've been watching Bojack Horseman on Netflix lately. I started it a few years ago but quit because depression. I've hopped back on and am loving it but I know it ends and I'm preemptively sad, but I'm happy it's been something I can enjoy when I'm so often in a state of grey. The end of a TV can be a parallel to life, or a demonstration. It’s never easy to see something you love cease to be, in the grand schem...
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Borderline Personality Disorder

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Sigh. Sometimes knowing which emotions are real and which aren’t feels impossible. The extreme-ness of this condition is overwhelming. I’m constantly over-reacting internally. My mood playing jump-rope and changing with every loop. Am I a bad person? Does having BPD make me inherently bad?  Yesterday I had one of my signature emotion-based overreactions. A frivolous accident occurred, a slipping of one’s mind really, but I implied the person involved did it on purpose. Granted I was warranted being upset, but part of me knew it was just a simple mistake, but I couldn’t regulate the intense hurt and venom I felt and after calling them out I threw in “you probably did it on purpose!” Why, why did I do that? Now said, unsaid person isn’t talking to me. Even if part of me genuinely did feel like it was deliberate, I used a “you” statement, I know better than that. You statements just make people defensive.  Now I’m stuck between all these extreme emotions, the original hurt and ve...
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Window From Nowhere, To Everywhere

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Laying in my bed then suddenly I recognize a familiar tune. Its none other than the ice cream truck. I think "at this time of the year?" "In this weather?" and then I remember its almost june, then I look out my window and see that its very nice weather. I've been in my room so much, boxed in my four walls of solitude and comfort, that I lose grasp that there is an outside world. Living is happening out there, something I may never truly experience. About a month ago I got a random call from a friend, we chatted for awhile about all kinds of silly things. It was nice. He eventually started telling me about another friend of his, V, they've been friends since before we met. He tells me V has basically given up on life, plays MMO games all day, rarely leaves the house, has incredibly poor hygiene, accepts he'll be alone forever, no career prospects, no significant other, nothing. And he doesn't care anymore. He is in his mid 40s. I couldn't help bu...
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