Seeking Refuge In Food

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I'm In the bad place

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Weight In: This Isn't A Victory

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Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday Calories 4,145 Sodium 12,342 Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm  just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending. I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I hav...
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Losecember Weight-in Week 4

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Crash and burn I gained 3.4 pounds. Last week I weighted 427.8, this week 430.4 . Going back into the 30s is quite the devestating blow. Last week I did decide to go to the Christmas dinner after my mom stopped just short of begging me to go. It wasn't a complete nightmare, but as usual I felt out of place. I've always had the alien family feeling. I watch as everyone else interact, how they relate, were there humors align, where there general chemistry is. I just have not ever felt like I belonged there, when my brothers are there, they fit in perfectly however. The only moment that truly got my anxiety going was when of the two uncles asked my mom while we were we the dinner table, the same dinner table that I was at and only a few seats away, If I had attended my other grandmothers funereal, and mother started to answer and I finished for her and said "no I didn't go." He literally asked the question just like this "did Brandon go to his grandmas funera...
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Ideal/Future-Self

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What Would I Do If I Could  Do Anything, if I were thin healthy. What would my life look like? I'd go back to school, for photography, and maybe something for writing and journalism. I'd go to that big campus college I was to afraid of, broaden my horizons. Being a professional photographer or journalist would be my ideal dream jobs. I've also considered being an author, I don't think Ive got what it takes for that though. My life would look a whole lot different. My hobbies would be going around snapping photos, I love wildlife, landscapes and structures, but I've always admired street photography as well, so maybe some of that. I'd continuing writing this blog, as well as maybe starting one for poetry, short stories etc. I'd learn a bit more about art and drawing, and improve my own skills. I can see myself going to concerts, networking with a lot of new people, I'd probably have expelled a few toxic people from my life that I hadn't th...
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