Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Spirits have been up lately. Eating has improved. I'm feeling overall rather good, however I'm still not using Myfitnesspal , soon though. I can still tell I may not be eating enough, which seems odd I honestly felt like I ate a lot yesterday until I woke up this morning feeling like I could actually feel gravity against my skin physically . Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, had a fruit cup of tangerines before lunch, then for lunch I snacked on some chips (I know, I know) it was an individual bag worth 4 servings and I ate all of them by dinner, and for dinner I had beef meatballs with potatoes and green beans. I only opted for 3 meatballs, I considered maybe more but I thought, no, this is enough, they were a moderate size, and the green beans and potatoes covered the plate. Still this was the biggest meal I had eaten all week, but I'm getting back on track. I really need to get out of the house. I have been quite the recluse lately. Aside from appointment...

Today was a mild day, had my appointment with the dermatologist. They were packed, I've never seen their office full like that before, in fact, the nice older ladies next to me made the same comment, apparently they had been waiting awhile. Somehow the older ladies  next to me made the experience a nice one, in fact the only anxiety I had was when thinking about being called back, and having to walk in front of that sea of people. There was something very charming about the older ladies next to me, I could tell they had been  friends a very-very long time, they were cracking jokes, and just having some lovingly banter that I truly enjoyed. I remember one asking "I wonder if they serve lunch" I just giggled,I enjoyed that little gem like it was the prized punchline of a seasoned comedian, and then I thought, that's what I'd like, to grow old some day and to have friends to accompany me to appointments or wherever, to keep things fun and interesting. It seemed as ...

Therapy today went pretty well, was definitely a great session. Physically I'm doing poor, Im not eating enough, it only dawned on me this morning when I was taking my shower and it was the worst experience ever, it reminded of the that time I went walking at the park when I was eating too few calories and had to call it quits. I had been noticing ever day this week everything just feel extra painstaking, little, normal, regular things like shower, but today it was just the worst. I had that sick feel in my stomach, the weakness in my knees, and the fighting against Gravity thing going on, not to mention I was dizzy. At first I couldn't figure it out, then I realized that yesterday's meal didn't add up very high (I didn't use myfitnesspal, and haven't been using it)  I suddenly realized that if I had catalogued everything into myfitnesspal based off of what I knew from the past, my entire day's meal was less than a thousand calories, probably around 600-80...

Ive been rather sleepy today. I've been sleeping or napping most the day, my mood seems calm. I've been thinking a lot about future-self/ideal me again. He doesn't seem impossible to obtain anymore, but I realize my image of him is very precise, I have a particular hairstyle, and I am skinny, 100% skinny, not a "healthier weight" or (finally) just noticeably smaller. I'm completely skinny. Skinny and toned, well not so much toned, actually I can't say for sure if sure toned is right, but I look great in "skinny guy clothes". I weigh 448 pounds, the guy I envision, he looks like he weighs like 180 Pounds, the road to get to him looks so long in light of my recent yoyoing. I need to spark the the fire. Speaking of future-self/ideal me, my therapist wants to see the post I wrote about him several months ago. She originally wanted me to write up how I seen my future if I lost the weight  and I told her I had already did a piece like that on the bl...

Well now here is a surprise, the weigh-in wasn't the disastrous nightmare I anticipated, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it was good, so let's get to the numbers. Last week I was 450.6 pounds, this week 448.2. I lost 2.4 pounds. I'm surprised. It's not like I was overeating last week, but I thought I was eating a lot of high sodium things that might lead to gain,truth is I probably could have doubled or tripled that number if I was eating more sensible, but I'm quite pleased, I didn't set a bad precedent for 3 bad weigh-ins straight! My psychiatrist appointment got moved back to next Monday at 12:30......... Are keeping track how times this appointment has been changed! I didn't find out until I was in the office though, that was fun. 4th times the charm? -_- This weeks agenda, schedule an appointment with my primary doctor (I really need to already), clean my room, eat more vegetables, cut out chips, blog everyday ( I've been skipping days as y...

Sunday has arrived and an uneventful weekend nears its conclusion.  I think I'm going to cut my beard/sideburns, my hair in general is out of control but my beard is particularly crazy. Its just that  if I cut it.. It exposes my round obese face, it's a double edged sword I'm wielding here it seems. Psychiatrists appointment tomorrow morning. Tomorrows weigh-in is expected to be bad, and set a bad precedent. Three consecutive  weeks of poor weigh-ins. I started watching weight loss bloggers on YouTube again. I've only seen a few videos. They haven't gotten me back into gear, but I feel a familiar stir inside that could be a good sign that my second wind is coming.