Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Things have been frustrating. After weeks of being in a caloric deficit I wasn’t getting results. In fact I was yoyoing in the same 4-7lb range. All this while walking daily. This past week as been an off week. I was dog-sitting for friends so I didn’t go walking at the park and my eating wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. I did go over my calorie limit by 800 calories one day. My sodium intake the past week has probably been outlandish. I do plan on resuming my walking now that I’m home, but scaled a bit back because I’m going to start doing my 5mile multi muscle indoor walk dvd again. I’m going to attempt 5 small meals a day and see what that yields. In other developments I’ve restarted the process of getting weight loss surgery. I apparently don’t need to redo the entire process. Which was a shock to me, I just have to redo some preliminary appointments and I could be good to go. I meet with my surgeon again next month and we’ll go from there

The week started out well and then ended rather bumpy. A  few months back my psychiatrist ordered an ECG because I started Vyvanse a switch from strattera for my ADHD & B.E.D . I dragged my feet about getting it until a few weeks ago. The results, a diagnosis; Sinus tachycardia , non-specfic T wave abnormality, abnormal ECG.  We couldn't go any further up on Vyvanse because of this. I've been ordered to see a cardiologist. This could split into any number of ways. My friend recently gave me her series 2 apple watch, I gave my fitbit to my mom. The apple watch is constantly alerting me of having a high or elevated plus/heart rate, I'm probably going to need to get an a newer one because they have a built in ECG monitor. But of course I cant afford it.  Im stuck in a state of balance, but its getting wobbly, I think I can just turn this around by losing weight, then I think of how far I've fallen. Im back on high blood pressure meds and my heart might be in tr...

Weighed in today. The numbers weren't pretty but i didn't expect them to be. Im back up to a whopping 510lbs. Close to total regain.. However Im putting an end to the rapid weight incline and plan to lose weight. I mentioned before that I was planning a 2.5 month accelerated weight loss it will officially begin Monday. Outline MAX 2,000 Calories; once per week refuel by eating a little over the recommend 3,590 calories Drink immediately upon wake. Minimum 80oz  water a day,  1 to 2 protein shakes a day 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar  take vitamins track everything wear watch Ease into exercising red meat no more than once a week Eat veggies write or vlog bed by 11, sleep

Today  Yesterday was another scheduled appointment with UC's weight loss surgery team/program. I've already stated how I felt going into this appointment after just last month being told I gained so much weight my insurance would never approve it (if presented). So how'd it go? You decide. First thing first. I had to get weighed-in. Like all my appointments since my last visit I've turned away so I couldn't see the results, thus I haven't known what if any progress I've made. I just know I felt the drive in my bones again. So I sat in a room for a bit then the doctor who I seen last time came in. I wasn't there to see him. The lady I was supposed to see was very backed up with clients and he was free. The first thing he asked me was what have you been doing the last month? I ask him what does he mean. He's looking at a laptop with my information on it with a flabbergasted expression. He says, like with meals and stuff you've lost 24lbs in a m...

Sugar Addiction Today we'll talk about my sugar addiction. Its no secret that I have a binge eating problem, and the root in recent times is all things sugar. The last few years I definitely lost control over my will to remain in a healthy relationship with these types of foods and I returned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, so sugar became a Mainstay of my life again very recently. Last year I definitely snowballed out of control. I could eat anywhere from 3000, 5000 or 10000 calories in sugar a day and then do it all again the next day, and the next, and the next. The reason could be that I'm upset or happy or that I'm bored or perhaps I'm celebrating whatever it may be,  once I'm  eating a trigger it just keeps coming. Stopping that is really the issue, and I find that very hard to do. I don't eat  for hunger, that I know. I've binged before with absolutely no appetite, hell, even during some binges I've been bored. I most recently...

I've gotten back in control. The last few days I've been doing my 60minute workout, tracking my calories, drinking my water, and eating below my calorie range, and eating healthy. I believe I'm having sugar withdrawal, I've experienced a killer headache, cravings out the wazoo and muscle aches and pains. I know it will eventually pass but it's no fun at all. It's especially important I Stay away from sugar loaded things. My action plan is to continue this for weeks before making changes. The plan is as followed. I eat within an hour of waking up, I eat a lunch and dinner. Light snacks in between if necessary to curve hunger and avoid binges No trigger foods : donuts, cookies, snack cakes, honey buns, candy bars, peanut butter, pop tarts, granola bars, cold cereal Workout a min of 4 days a week. Mix between, home workouts and the gym. Log my food It sounds simple enough, but it never is. Blind perseverance will have to get me through, because t...

It's been rough getting back into the swing of things. In fact I really haven't. Perhaps I just recently got the motivation to put forth the effort, but I must come clean. I actually started the process of looking into WLS last year, it's been on going, but basically I've been going through the process to get it. However since the beginning I never decided if I actually wanted it though, I still struggled with the concept. I continued on with my appointments regardless, and I kept gaining weight. Quite a bit since October when I originally started the appointments. I had a recent visit with one of the physicians looking over the process and he basically told me that my insurance would never approve the surgery with the weight I've gained. I knew that discussion was going to come up but it was harder feeling the disappointment and confusion  from the doctor when he was going through a graph that showed my sharp incline. Did I ever want it? I think I wanted to ...

I'll be spending my Sunday organizing and switching together my action plan for weightloss  going forward. Did run into a bummer, the wristband replacement I ordered off Amazon was dud. So once again, no smart watch, more bummer, last week watching those heathen dogs I dropped my phone and now the glass where the back cameras are is all cracked up so pictures are sort of ixnay. I could take these as signs to wallow in pity and just tack on another 100 days of binges, but I'm just going to go forward. I didn't have a phone when I first started or a smart watch. That being said I may look into getting some kind of sponsorship this go around. I've seen some people on Instagram with them some people whom have made very little progress but have large followings, which irked me. But yes, Monday will be a very tough turning point as I put whatever I have cooked up.

I'm dog-sitting until Friday . I'm feeling a bit 7more like myself someone I'd like to be . I'm laughing a hit more, joking a bit more. Just feeling a lot more okay. I do find myself having moments of sudden bouts of dread. Just feelings of "it'll all end up the same" "I'm still this" "I'm still that" and I have to immediately rethink. Not let myself stay there, not let myself entertain the thoughts. I'm still not eating right but I'm planning to put a close to my bad chapter by weeks end officially and begin getting back on track. Exercise, tracking the works.

Yesterday was amazing. I never got so many hugs. I felt like Beyonce for a day. I was sent off with ice cream. One member made me a poem, another gave me a sketch book and pastels cause she knows I like to draw and I doodled a lot during session, someone selected a song for us to listen to because the night before they heard it on the radio and the song "makes me think of Brandon, cause he makes me smile." the song was September by Earth, Wind & Fire . It's such a upbeat song and so infectious, I was so touched. We were all dancing in the room whilst having discussions about confrontational wordage that instantly makes people defensive, even if you're rightly  addressing something wrong they did. I.E y ou always ... Or you didn't , You statements makes people defensive and tune out. But "I" makes things more neutral ground. I feel like you didn't listen to me ...." I'm not sure why I've added all that. back on topic,  3 people to...

Today will be my last day in the partial hospitalization program. I actually really enjoyed the program and met some truly amazing people, people with incredible stories. A newer person's story just recently touched me, shes been through hell and back. It's hard to digest that I've met someone in real life with such an absolutely horrifying story. I will miss the program but I think the other members will actually take my leaving harder, which is odd and kind of flattering. Somehow I've managed to touch all 10 people that have come along in total to the program. I hope they all can recover and live healthy happy lives, truly. I wish people didn't need programs like this, I wish people didn't get suicidal, and morbidly depressed. So today will be my last day and what's next I don't know. I feel like I've learned some things this past week though, some crucial things, thanks to php, and therapy. These people have kind of cracked me a bit and help...

Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that." That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation.  The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The presen...

Its been a good week. the week before week resulted in several old Brandon remissions.  Come Monday I told myself I was done, and since then I've been exercising everyday, staying below my calorie goal, no binging and no trigger food. It feels good to be back in the swing of things. My psychiatrist asked me how I was able to just snap to it like that, having just binged that Sunday. Today I went to the store, I grabbed a box of my trigger snack cakes, stood their for a minute, then put them back. Effortlessly. That's really significant because I've been explaining to my therapist, psychiatrist, and dietitian how when I'm in the store I have this severe internal conflict. I know I'll regret buying my binge food and will even feel guilty walking up to get it, but I'll also have this unreasonable fear of missing out, as if I'll never have the chance to eat that again. Today that was not an issue. I'm not sure how many of you follow my Instagram but if ...

Is now. Years ago, just after I first made this blog I had gotten a very mean-spirited and destructive letter from my my grandma. I've kept that letter as a constant reminder of how completely clueless my family was to my internal battles of depression. That letter nearly killed me. Recently I got into a shouting match with my brother about him and his sons eating of my food and how the budget realistically and by all means technically, didn't cover 4 people it covers 2. I had discussed the issue with my therapist earlier in the day, and she said I should definitely say something about it. I warned her that I knew it wouldn't go over well. It didn't. Well along with being called selfish for suggesting they get their own food (because there is literally none in the house right now because of the addition of them) I was called a useless fat lazy slob among other things. That was maybe the first time is been called fat directly to my face in years. Several things ...

For awhile now I've had this idea in my head that things were just a lot easier when I used food as a way to cope with any situation. You're supposed to replace that habit with something healthier when yo embark on a weight loss journey, but I just left an empty void there. A void that I believed at times was worth the weight because at least when I had a situation that was hard for me, I could instantly urn to food, it was always there to console me. This past week I gave up on my weight loss journey and truly dived into the deep end, I binged and binged, I had fast food, and sugary treats, you name it, all in excess. One thing I told myself during all his is its nice to just be carefree again, its nice to have my confidant, food, back. I may end up miserable but at least at certain times I could make it go away while eating. The truth is, while I was doing all this binging and destructive eating I just felt empty, I kept waiting for that feeling of bliss and comfort I w...

. I have to lose this weight, I have to remember what I want. I want the  life I never had. I want to be able to enjoy things, to walk out in front of a crowd and not worry about if my weight is making them stare at me. I want to be able to buy cloths off any rack at virtually any store. I want to be able to fit in the rides at amusement parks, sit in the seats comfortably in movie theaters. I want to rediscover the world from a new perspective, I want so much more. I have to get my focus back, I have to get my consistency back, I have to! I have to do it for me, for the guy that wrote those blog posts in 2015 at the precipice of complete and total mental implosion. He was so miserable all the time, physically and mentally, yet he kept on, he kept fighting because he had what he told himself was a delusion dream, but a dream nonetheless. That guy was so sad, he was so caged in, he was so hopeless, he would never believe how close we've come. I owe it to him to se...

Because I like to punish myself, a while back I created a Tinder profile. It all started because I was helping a friend pick out pictures, and what to put in the bio of his. I knew in my heart of hearts, and my minds-eye that I should not venture down that road, but much like the dead cat that was too curious for its own good, so was I. So I made the profile and proceed to use the app as intended, swiping left occasionally, swiping right occasionally, it seemed a little fun at first. Then my brain happened, the thinking, the analyzing, the fun was over pretty fast. So I did get some matches but the Tinder culture is set up very predictably once you think about it, that being that its a very superficial platform, some people just endlessly swipe right to see who will match with them just to feed their ego, then they unmatch you. The first time this happened to me I was completely thrown, but I got over it and just came to expect that some matches are going to vanish (sometimes ...

An old blog post from the passed surface because of some keywords I was looking for to see if I made reference to an event from 2013, I did but not to the extent that I wanted . Anyways, I came across this post from April 8 2015, 2 years ago. You have to take a look at it, its very telling and sort of enlightening but also kind of demonstrates just how much my mind yo-yo'd mental health wise in 2015. In the post I basically mention that I don't think changes will happen in my life until around the 3s, at the time I was likely in the low 500s or high 400s. It reminds me of how I pretty much thought things would miraculously change with each first-digit change, but it didn't quite happen that way. My mind was mentally stuck and stayed that way... until well, really certain parts of it are still stuck but they aren't as stuck as they were then. My thinking has changed a bit, obviously my body changed, but back then I couldn't see it, or didn't care because of the ...

Today I finally broke out of the 340's bracket and into the 30's. I weigh 339.0, I'm right at the edge, but its nice to finally see that second digit be a 3, hopefully I can keep going in this direction. Seems the changes I've made to my eating routine and the increase in workouts via variety in cardio and starting focusing on legs in weight training (hitting the leg press, leg curl, and leg extension machines) after cardio is paying off. Eating and water have been great lately, I've found its getting easier and easier to drink my morning 44oz of water. Hitting my water intake goal hasn't been an issue at all so far. vvvv A not terrible picture of me vvvv Every now and then a selfie comes along that actually isn't horrible, LOL. Hope everyone is having a good day #weightlossjourney #weightlossmotivation #gettinghealthy #healthandfitness #healthychoices #weightloss #fitness #determination #instahealth #insta #me #restingneutralface #neckcomet...

Over the weekend I had a bit of an adventure with my buddy who I go to the gym with. We went to an out of town park to shoot some photography. The park had lakes and trails and a lighthouse and  all kinds of things, sadly a lot of stuff wasn't currently open to the public. We spent 4 hours walking the trails and taking pictures. It was only at the end when my energy finally depleted, we got lost and had to backtrack and not only that but we ended up taking an even longer way back, logged in some 6k steps. It was a popular park and there were lots of people walking around, my anxiety was under control up until the end, then it just felt like I was shoulder to shoulder with someone every breath, but it wasn't nearly that close and they weren't nearly that frequent, but my social meter was exhausted. Still it was a nice trip got some nice shots and truly surprised myself. Even my friend praised me, he even referenced the old me, saying this is something the old you would nev...