The Precipice Of Change
Is now. Years ago, just after I first made this blog I had gotten a very mean-spirited and destructive letter from my my grandma. I've kept that letter as a constant reminder of how completely clueless my family was to my internal battles of depression. That letter nearly killed me.
Recently I got into a shouting match with my brother about him and his sons eating of my food and how the budget realistically and by all means technically, didn't cover 4 people it covers 2. I had discussed the issue with my therapist earlier in the day, and she said I should definitely say something about it. I warned her that I knew it wouldn't go over well. It didn't. Well along with being called selfish for suggesting they get their own food (because there is literally none in the house right now because of the addition of them) I was called a useless fat lazy slob among other things.
That was maybe the first time is been called fat directly to my face in years. Several things hit me after the fact. Doesn't matter how much you lose, if you're fat you're fat. Doesn't matter how fat used to be or how less fat you will be. If you're not skinny people will always throw the F word at you when they see fit.
There is a number of issues with what occurred. The one that's really under my skin is how I discussed this with mom ealier in that day and she seemed completely cool with it. But before the argument with my brother I heard her telling said brother with this disapproving, "the nerve of him" attitude in her tone. Where was this when I brought it up earlier?
I spent my night in between tremendous anger and complete despair. One half wouldn't let the other take full control. No I can't be sad because of that freaking jerk, where does that habitual criminal get off talking down to me!? To, wow mom really through me under the bus and I see my brothers true and familiar colors. Is this how everyone sees me?
I sat or rather laid in bed torn between many emotions unable to drop a pin on a single one to know how to feel. This is my family in a nutshell, that exchange, that complete act one way to your face, and another behind it. Ive complained about aspect of this family for over 2 years now on this blog. I keep convincing my a lot of its in my head or their is a ton of distortion on my thoughts. But there really isn't.
I have to get out of here.
Over the next two months I'm going to formulate some type of plan to be out of this house and my own sometime next year. Driving, a job, a place, a car. I have a a lot of resources at my disposal and I'm going to utilize them all.
I'm going to have bouts of the worst anxiety and depression I've ever faced along this process but I've got to finally make some life altering moves. Of course I'll continue losing weight along the way. I'm ready.
