Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Mom turned 60 today. Kind of a scary age. I don't like the reality of my mom getting older but I have to accept it. I'm glad she's still around and mostly agile. I need a lot of working on. There are things that I need to let go of that would improve our relationship 10fold. I just keep certain resentments  that do me no good. I hate the idea of letting go because it feels like I'm saying it was all okay, like it didn't matter . Learning to let go is really something I have to bring to the forefront. I've been on a bender be all week. Homemade pizza one day, taco Bell, McDonald's, Lee's (it's a chicken place), chips, and tons and tons of sweets. Yes, Reese's! Sadly they have made several appearances, all kinds of things covered in chocolate, cookies, kit Kat bars, the works. Just bingeing and bingeing. I've sure to have gainee a nice chunk of actual weight, not to mention a crazy amount of water retention. I've b

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.