Showing posts from February 19, 2017

Trying To Break Off A Piece Mind That I Cant Get Right

Therapy Wednesday went pretty well, I realize its now Friday and I'm just now mentioning therapy. I mostly just vented about things, which I really needed to do to be honest. I haven't been doing my homework assignments for therapy and I keep thinking about how I keep coming back to this image thing, and how I just binge ate the other day subconscious self-sabotaging myself. Ive been thinking about how hard it is to change this part of my thinking, this area of my mind. This is destroying my chance of happiness in the here and now, and I'm going to wind up having major depressive events at this rate like last year.

I was thinking, about when I was younger, in fact, no, when I was at my peak weight, so not that long ago. Back when I used to think I could never seriously lose weight, never thought I could have a lifestyle change, could never radically overhaul my life and cut back in food. When I thought I would be 600+ Lbs forever, that there was no way I was ever going to …

I binged!

Ive been in sinking state, my mood is questionable, I'm feeling super unmotivated I haven't been exercising regularly I haven't been sharp with my eating, I certainly haven't been disciplined. Im a mess. today I ate 12 cookies, worth about 600 calories total and  never mind the rest of the nutrition facts! I don't bother to investigate. I knew what I was doing, I binged, I just decided oh well, fully knowing after the last cookie I would regret it. Ive gotten weaker, and now and I'm most certainly going to end up paying the price for this on the scale come weigh-in on the 1st.

I don't know whats going on, Im just not motivated. I keep pushing my exercises back later and later in the day until I decided meh, no exercises that day, and my eating has been... not great.I'm unmotivated and uninspired and this is just bad. Typically I would have gotten myself out of this by now, blindly, automatically almost, but I have gotten worse, I binged! Its only a mat…

Eating Disorder

Okay. Maybe I'm a little worse than I realized, I'm following a guy on Instagram who's peak weight is   What mine was, over 600. He has been losing weight all naturally and quite rapidly and often posts his MyFitnessPal food and exercise calories-in and burned-out intakes and well.... He has clearly developed an eating disorder, he eats about 300-500 calories in food tops and then burns several times that in exercise. Will he be able to sustain this long term after weight loss? Probably not. However, his results are very clear, he just recently had his first skin removal procedure. He weighs less than me (he is in the 200s) and I believe he started in less time. He also has the exact same goal weight as I do, which I only recently discovered because I'm positive it wasn't the same before (so naturally I'm in my head as to why it is now).

Earlier I had the luxury of having to stare at myself in a giant glass reflection of a window and I was just not pleased. I b…

Well, Lets Talk About My Appearence

So here I am again,  in a funk about my appearance, I've been hear  for a little bit but I guess now I'm at my simmering point.  I was at a pretty okay state, I mean I was never happy or satisfied by any means, but I was okay. Then I take a picture and and every time I'm a little less okay, and now I'm feeling a certain depression monster hovering over my shoulders waiting to unleash the haze.

I felt like this was the year that I would eventually stop having these image issues but, the truth is that it  really heavily relies just how much weight I lose, because it seems I'm pretty hard wired to not be okay with the sight of me. I'm just waiting for the slightest sign of "thinness" where I'm starting to not look overweight, where I'm clearly in the final stages of obesity and I don't believe that is something that can be seen now, I certainly can't see it.

Also, for goodness sake I look awful in bright clothing, I mean I know the rule …