Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm still in my uncertain zone,  therapy yesterday went okay, but it took everything inside of me to just go. I wanted it skip it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday, speaking of appointments, yeah I never made that appointment with my primary doctor. I've really been dragging my feet about it, then again that's been the case for weeks now. The week is nearly over,  which means a weigh-in isn't too far away, honestly we are in for another disappointing week. I've been trying to get out of this mental  state I'm in, find some motivation, but it really feels like I'm battle a war against myself. As of right now no plans for the weekend, my room is a mess, I'm not sure how it got to this state so fast, clearly I'm just overall in decline, it wasn't that long ago that I de-cluttered it, now it's a full blown mess. Still a chance for that second wind, I hope. Things will surely get better.....

I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think  that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't ...

Well I called it, it was an unsavory weigh-in. Yet  another week in the 450s. Last week I weighed 450, this week.... 450  I maintained... Well technically I gained. As the actually numbers went from 450.6  to 450.9.  So I gained .3 pounds. I'm cutting out sweet snacks, I've been munching on a lot of high calorie sweet treats lately, they add up the other day I had chocolate pie that was 1 serving 500 calories, two months ago I would never have touched such a thing! I'm cutting them out. I also need to get back to eating veggies every single day, and eating more baked meats. I got to be careful about sodium, though I need to at have the calories it's the salt that seems to be my biggest issue. I seem to be prone to water retention and some of the things I've been eating have had triple the suggest sodium for an entire day. What's worse is the calories aren't as high. Im still addicted to chips, they are my Achilles heel. I said I was cutting them out we...

Yesterday was a nice day, my two young nephews Kieryn and Jaedyn spent the day here, and though they wore me out, I really enjoyed them being over in spite of feeling physically terrible.  I had not gotten much sleep the night before and mom wanted me to run to the grocery store with her early in the morning, she normally doesn't ask, because I normally wouldn't go, however I agreed. I felt completely gross in the store, I had a odd feeling in my stomach, not anxiety, I felt sick. I ended up going back to the car about 25 minutes in. I was having a hard time keep my balance. I got better throughout the day but it wasn't the best feeling throughout. I didn't eat much. I had some crackers for breakfast, mom insisted I eat, I had teriyaki noodles for lunch and some frozen pizza for dinner. [Sunday]Today (well, now officially yesterday since it's midnight!) I was feeling a bit better, there is still something unusual going on with my stomach, and I'm making an ap...