I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't do. It seems I'm rather damaged and far beyond repair. I think maybe I've subconsciously given up already. Why else has this string of yoyoing been going on for so long after I was doing so consistently.... good-ish, I was losing almost every week. I had a lot more will, and when the scale showed unsavory results I made sure to make up for it for weeks that followed.

Now I'm just a lost soul. I don't know what I'm doing. Life is passing me by, I don't know what I'm living for again. For a while it felt like I was living for this big change, I was living for the new life I could have if this journey was a success. If I take that away what am I reduced to, nothing, just like I was a year ago.

This isn't me officially saying it's over, it's mostly just me rambling, but it feels like I'm just waiting to pick a day.

Obesity & depression, losing weight & gaining weight, am I more than this?


  1. I doubt that your problems just come from the weight itself. It sounds like you had quite a difficult childhood with your brothers, that might have been the start of it all. And you just said they are getting out of jail soon. Could that be part of your current unsettled feeling?

    1. It could very well be. I'm very anxious about it, there are still plenty of months between their estimated times of arrival, but the fact they will for-sure be home is unsettling for me.

  2. I agree that your weight is not the sole cause of your issues. I think it's more of a symptom.

    Regarding the yo yo ing, as you get smaller it will become more difficult to lose. A smaller body just doesn't need as many calories. At some point you will probably have to cut your calories and start working out.. For those of us who have lost more than a hundred pounds, we're always going to have to be more aware of what we're eating or else it will be very easy to regain.

    Lastly, what are some of your other goals in life other than weighing less? Now might be a great time to start working towards what you want.


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