Decline
Another month nears its end and another weight in with poor results was had. Last week I weighted 434.8 pounds, this week, 434.8. I maintained.
It's been a rather bumpy month in terms of the mental health spectrum, and my overall journey. It's like my journey is a car and I'm suppose to be driving it, but this month i put on a blind fold, hopped over to the passenger seat and let my depression take the wheel. I never knew if I'm going foward backward, or if I was moving at all.
I haven't been doing my homework for therapy in spite of stating I would put more effort into it awhile ago. I told my therapist I think subconsciously I maybe don't want to do the home work cause I want to stay at the edge, but cause I want to build up to jump off the cliff. Earlier this month I wrote a goodbye letter to my nephews, sensing my impending doom after entering the dark haze once again. I was telling them, among other things, how I was sorry that I wasn't a better uncle, and how I wished it could have been different and how I thought I was going to lose more weight. It went on and on, luckily it was the grotesque length of the letter that brought me out of the haze, I thought "well no one is going to read this freaking novel". I didn't have a plan to do anything to myself, I simply felt "at risk" more than any other time this year. It passed.
Lately however, it seems around 8:30/9:30pm, everything sort of hits me. No matter what I'm doing. Suddenly I'm dealing with body dysmorphia, anxiety, depression, I'm dealing with the fact that the scale says I'm still over 400 pounds and I feel like a monster, I'm dealing with the fact that in a few months the siblings will be home, and I sink. The amount of time it last ranges, but the minimum is an hour, the longest is the entire night; which requires me to sleep it away, when I can't see it coming to an end. The issue is ongoing. I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday, I should mention, I was suppose to see her a couple weeks ago, but on the day of, it was abruptly canceled and rescheduled several days later(yes this again). Im actually going to say something about my issue with this frequent situations with her when I see her.
Now that all the heavy subject matter is out of the way, let's discuss the nutritionist plan. In addition to eating 2,000 calories a day(which I'll likely make my own adjustment to come Dec 1st), she wants me to drink three glasses of milk (for the calcium), she wants me to burn at least 240 calories a day from exercise. She wants me to eat a fruit and/or vegetable at every meal, and to get in 3 meals a day. She gave me some alternatives to chips one I knew such as Wheat Thins, and Wheat Thins Popped. Another I didn't consider was Triscut, because in the past I simple have not liked the taste and texture, but she told me to try experimenting with the newer flavors. Recently I tried Sour Scream and Chive, and they are quite good. The plan is to meet with her monthly. I don't plan to put most of this into action until next month however, although I have started improving my meals. Yesterday for dinner I had Baked Chicken Breast, steamed vegetables, and mashed potatoes. I'm giving myself a little flexibility this week because of thanksgiving.
It's been a rather bumpy month in terms of the mental health spectrum, and my overall journey. It's like my journey is a car and I'm suppose to be driving it, but this month i put on a blind fold, hopped over to the passenger seat and let my depression take the wheel. I never knew if I'm going foward backward, or if I was moving at all.
I haven't been doing my homework for therapy in spite of stating I would put more effort into it awhile ago. I told my therapist I think subconsciously I maybe don't want to do the home work cause I want to stay at the edge, but cause I want to build up to jump off the cliff. Earlier this month I wrote a goodbye letter to my nephews, sensing my impending doom after entering the dark haze once again. I was telling them, among other things, how I was sorry that I wasn't a better uncle, and how I wished it could have been different and how I thought I was going to lose more weight. It went on and on, luckily it was the grotesque length of the letter that brought me out of the haze, I thought "well no one is going to read this freaking novel". I didn't have a plan to do anything to myself, I simply felt "at risk" more than any other time this year. It passed.
Lately however, it seems around 8:30/9:30pm, everything sort of hits me. No matter what I'm doing. Suddenly I'm dealing with body dysmorphia, anxiety, depression, I'm dealing with the fact that the scale says I'm still over 400 pounds and I feel like a monster, I'm dealing with the fact that in a few months the siblings will be home, and I sink. The amount of time it last ranges, but the minimum is an hour, the longest is the entire night; which requires me to sleep it away, when I can't see it coming to an end. The issue is ongoing. I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday, I should mention, I was suppose to see her a couple weeks ago, but on the day of, it was abruptly canceled and rescheduled several days later(yes this again). Im actually going to say something about my issue with this frequent situations with her when I see her.
Now that all the heavy subject matter is out of the way, let's discuss the nutritionist plan. In addition to eating 2,000 calories a day(which I'll likely make my own adjustment to come Dec 1st), she wants me to drink three glasses of milk (for the calcium), she wants me to burn at least 240 calories a day from exercise. She wants me to eat a fruit and/or vegetable at every meal, and to get in 3 meals a day. She gave me some alternatives to chips one I knew such as Wheat Thins, and Wheat Thins Popped. Another I didn't consider was Triscut, because in the past I simple have not liked the taste and texture, but she told me to try experimenting with the newer flavors. Recently I tried Sour Scream and Chive, and they are quite good. The plan is to meet with her monthly. I don't plan to put most of this into action until next month however, although I have started improving my meals. Yesterday for dinner I had Baked Chicken Breast, steamed vegetables, and mashed potatoes. I'm giving myself a little flexibility this week because of thanksgiving.
