Showing posts from October 2, 2016

Odyssey: Almost There

I was strolling through my cloud again, looking for old photo edits to add to my Tumblr when I suddenly realized I had wondered very deep down the rabbit hole, I went down to 2010 and seen several videos that I simply had forgot existed. They were from when I had tried up (and failed) another attempt at being healthy and dieting and recording my progress via YouTube.  I also lived at an apartment at the time that offered a gym for free, it was tiny, but free.

I do remember going there early in the morning for at least a week, I remember doing treadmill and some dumbbells, not staying very long. My mom also went. I remember I exceeded the weight of the treadmill its maximum weight was around 350, though I didn't know my weight, I knew I wasn't 350, and after a while the the machine would start smelling of  burned rubber. In the original  clip I was breathing so heavily but to get 15 minutes means I had to have worked up from 5, and 10, so this was quite the task.

In another cli…

Cursed Subject

A strange week begins to conclude. My mom had her surgery to have that kidney stone removed Wednesday (turns out there were two), she was released Thursday, she's in a bit of pain but she's doing well. The procedure went well, she sees her doctor today for a follow up and to have a drainage tube removed. I didn't go to therapy Wednesday.

My eating this week has been a mixed bag. I have not been able to get very motivated or stay very motivated. I'm predicting a less than stellar weigh-in come Monday which is not something I'm looking forward to. I've only worked-out three times, all of which were my home dumbbell workout.

I accompanied mom to her doctors appointment today. On the way, out of  a train of thought I decided I'm going to stop discussing my issue with how I look, or really, the issue with how I don't see the changes or if they're happening. I think I've gotten the point across, I hate how I look, I pretty much hate me (that's an…

Suicidal Urges

A few weeks ago my friend Melissa's aunt committed suicide. Her death shook her family to the core, and even though she had attempts with suicide throughout her life as early as a teenager and as recently as earlier this year, the family had, and is having a hard time coping with her passing. When I went to hangout with Nick and Melissa that week it was a bit awkward, anytime I hear anything about suicide I enter a weird place, but typically it doesn't hit this close to home

I know that her aunt was an emotionally torn person that didn't feel her family loved her (I've been there), I also know that Melissa's  family is actually very nice and her aunt took on some rather destructive habits and introduced people into her life that enabled those habits. I know she must have already had some pretty distorted thinking, that those bad habits only amplified.

When I was first talking to Melissa about it she was so upset, and confused, the word selfish kept coming up a lot.…

I Must Be Broken Because I Can't

I can't like myself I can't believe in myself I can't be in a positive space about myself. I recently got comment on Instagram last week where someone said I was their role model. That's a pretty powerful thing to say, in fact that means I'm having the right effect though, that means I'm inspiring people. The heft of some the things being said doesn't register to the affect they should. I think it's because of this wall I have up against myself.

I've been seeing so many things  about weight loss journeys and liking and/or believing in yourself for them to workout, I was on someone's Instagram page today where I seen a post that said you can't wait to be thin, and I felt  I was being directly called out (obviously I wasn't). Still I'm realizing that the way I've been going about this isn't going to continue to work. Depression monster got the best of me today. I can't pinpoint anything that's triggering me.

So this is …

Day Dreaming

I haven't daydreamed about the finish line in quite some time. I suppose it has everything to do with my image issues, and also the fact that I'm simply not sure if I'll get there. I've been wondering when I'll  feel like I'm almost there, I'm thinking it's probably going to be when I'm in the 200s. the 200s really will be the last full one hundred I have to work off, and plus the goal weight is a little tiny island view away in the process. I just need to get there, unfortunately I have 64lbs to lose of the 300s still.

I see those amazing before and after photos where one is clearly of them at their heaviest and one is of them now unmistakably thin and I get very anxious and just have to move on, my mind just won't let me envision that for myself yet. It's been very interesting going on this odyssey for so long having for the most part felt like the changes that have happened were minimum, but kept going anyway. It's a little perplexin…