Suicidal Urges

A few weeks ago my friend Melissa's aunt committed suicide. Her death shook her family to the core, and even though she had attempts with suicide throughout her life as early as a teenager and as recently as earlier this year, the family had, and is having a hard time coping with her passing. When I went to hangout with Nick and Melissa that week it was a bit awkward, anytime I hear anything about suicide I enter a weird place, but typically it doesn't hit this close to home

I know that her aunt was an emotionally torn person that didn't feel her family loved her (I've been there), I also know that Melissa's  family is actually very nice and her aunt took on some rather destructive habits and introduced people into her life that enabled those habits. I know she must have already had some pretty distorted thinking, that those bad habits only amplified.

When I was first talking to Melissa about it she was so upset, and confused, the word selfish kept coming up a lot. Throughout our conversation though I empathized with the aunt. I've been on the precipice so many times, and somehow made it back down, so for her to actually go through with it really says a lot about the state she was in. I just kept thinking of how miserable she must have been. I actually told this to Melissa (a much scaled down version) she got the point I was making. She began to understand that her aunt must have been in the worst possible state of mind.

Ive had the desire many times this year and it's the absolute worse darkest place you can enter and it somehow keeps intensifying until finally you feel like you can't  escape the very thoughts of suicide. I got to a certain place that life seemed so bad that suicide began to lose its taboo  shameful tone, I started feeling good  about having a way out, and honestly that's dangerous. There's a relieving feeling to it even now which is something to worry about. Even now I still get to this place, it's not at all healthy place to be I've overcome a lot recently and thought coming out would honestly magically slash my depression and make these thoughts go away. While it's helped quite a bit with both, both are still an issue.

I got to my dark state briefly again just the other day thinking about how it's possible for a person to not like their self  on the level I don't. I can't even imagine repairing myself because I don't remember a time when I liked myself. These thoughts just spiral down further and further and things just look more bleak. Then there is of course the physical side of things that's still just as big of an issue, and I begin to think "I don't have to deal with this, I don't have to feel like this everyday" and my thoughts of suicide, envisioning not being part of this life anymore,  take the wheel and that simply feels good (which is a problem). I'm not there now at this moment but I get there, the odds are though that I wouldn't have made it this far without therapy and without talking about it to some aspect through this blog (the dark haze), few times I actually open up to my friends and mom.

For some people they never discuss what's going on with them, simply writing, in a personal journal or blog could be an enormous help but for a number a reasons they don't use these things. Most people don't tend to tell their doctors or even their friends and families how deeply depressed they may be. The topic of mental health is so taboo, we are all projected to function by some generic standard of normal or we are label crazy. Mental illness is such a scary term as well, there have been so much demonizing and stereotypes about these things decades ago that it's damaged the perception of mental illness and hasn't allowed for much of a dialogue. Today a rapper named Kid Cudi entered rehab for depression and suicidal urges. I don't follow him much but I like a song of his called The Soundtrack To My Life which is very sad. He made this statement on his Facebook
 "I am not at peace. I haven't been since you've known me. If I didn't come here, I would've done something to myself. I simply am a damaged human swimming in a pool of emotions everyday of my life. Theres a ragin violent storm inside of my heart at all times," 
There have been a number of celebrities to come forward with their struggles with mental health this year from Zayn Malik to Selena Gomez and I think it's only a good thing and hope it sheds light on the topics, I feel like the subject is greatly swept under the rug, but the more exposure and awareness that can be raised the better. It's okay to not be okay, but it helps to share, on paper, on a blog or with a person or doctor.


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