I Must Be Broken Because I Can't

-
I can't like myself I can't believe in myself I can't be in a positive space about myself. I recently got comment on Instagram last week where someone said I was their role model. That's a pretty powerful thing to say, in fact that means I'm having the right effect though, that means I'm inspiring people. The heft of some the things being said doesn't register to the affect they should. I think it's because of this wall I have up against myself.

I've been seeing so many things  about weight loss journeys and liking and/or believing in yourself for them to workout, I was on someone's Instagram page today where I seen a post that said you can't wait to be thin, and I felt  I was being directly called out (obviously I wasn't). Still I'm realizing that the way I've been going about this isn't going to continue to work. Depression monster got the best of me today. I can't pinpoint anything that's triggering me.



So this is the next step, liking me. If this is even going to be a possibility it isn't going to be easy, I still remember the therapy sessions where I could not be hypothetical friends with another version of myself. In fact a lot of practices involving me and another me didn't go too well. Self improvement on an inner scale, seems that's where I'm heading now.

2013

Popular posts from this blog

Move Along Move Along, Just To Make It Through

-
Image
The title, lyrics from one of my favorite bands and one of my favor songs, The All-American Reject's Move Along . It randomly popped up in my head at just the right time. I'm not going to give up, I pretty much see how sort of ridiculous my feelings have been the last 48 hours. Lifestyle changes are not easy, it took me 27 years, 27 years of gradually weight gain to put me here, and its not going to be lost over night, not even in a year, but a lot can be done in a year, more in two, and so on, and so on. I have to keep sight of what I want, and that is to be thinner, happier and healthier. Going back to work will be a new obstacle Ill have to adjust to, Ill have to endure the looks, the stares, the embarrassment, Ill have to live through my worst fears all over again, but I know these are the last of them, these are the final years of these bad experiences. Because I'm going to continuing losing weight, and the people and actions that intend to bring me down, will, but won
Read more

Weigh-in: Seeking Redemption Cove

-
So here we are, it's Monday. Time to weigh-in, after a week of overindulging on calorie packed bakery cookies and skipping on exercising and not to mention Saturday in its entirety,  I have come into this weigh-in with realistic sense of dread. Last week I weighted 357.6. This week I weigh 354.4 . So that actually turns out to be a loss of 3.2lbs. So how did this happen? Well I honestly didn't eat dinner for the last four days, so that probably plays a slight role. Like I said a in previous post I've been in an odd place mentally, and I've taken some steps back depression wise. I decided to skip dinner since Thursday part of it was because I was trying to compensate for the damage I'd already done throughout the week, and another part was just the depression making it too easy for me not to have any appetite. The plan for the week is still to reach R edemption C ove , I'm quite uncertain if this is possible to be honest. I'm quite unmotivated and still men
Read more

Seems Ive Survived The Week

-
Image
Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone. Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen) , I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again. You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet
Read more

Archive

Show more