Cursed Subject

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A strange week begins to conclude. My mom had her surgery to have that kidney stone removed Wednesday (turns out there were two), she was released Thursday, she's in a bit of pain but she's doing well. The procedure went well, she sees her doctor today for a follow up and to have a drainage tube removed. I didn't go to therapy Wednesday.

My eating this week has been a mixed bag. I have not been able to get very motivated or stay very motivated. I'm predicting a less than stellar weigh-in come Monday which is not something I'm looking forward to. I've only worked-out three times, all of which were my home dumbbell workout.

I accompanied mom to her doctors appointment today. On the way, out of  a train of thought I decided I'm going to stop discussing my issue with how I look, or really, the issue with how I don't see the changes or if they're happening. I think I've gotten the point across, I hate how I look, I pretty much hate me (that's an odd thing to want to lol at and yet...) but other people see that I am visibly changing, readers on this blog see, people on Instagram see it, my friends and family see it. I don't see, and I think it's because it's not the change or difference I want (and no small part because of my body dysmorphic disorder) which would be goal weight, 180 difference. I keep seeing myself as the same weight I started out as.  So I'm just going to stop talking about my issue with not seeing change for awhile, I'm not going to mention my issue with not looking like I'm losing or having lost weight, it's still going to be an issue.  I just realized going in circles about not seeing it isn't doing anything to help and is honestly probably just hurting. So I'm going to try not to focus on the image aspect of things, which sounds ridiculous but I'm going to give it a whirl.

Aside from this decision nothing major going on today, I've made it a laundry day. Plan on doing my dumbbell workout, actually considering going to the gym this weekend, I've never went on a weekend before, I'm pretty sure they are notoriously busy on weekends, so I'm obviously foolish to even be floating this idea around, but the chances are comically low that I will go. Stay tuned.


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