Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Ive come to realize that depression has many faces, each one a different version.  Two faces years apart could be "the worst depression you've ever had" but present totally differently. It can be high functioning and low functioning. One version you might not be able to get out of bed, you might not shower and you do not a anything at all. While another version you're doing your normal tasks perfectly fine, going to appointments, talking with friends and family, but your depression is as bad as its ever been. It can be confusing, often asking yourself, am I that depressed? Is it that bad? Only for you to go into a sudden 40 minute spell of the most self destructive thoughts, and an impulsive urge to act on them, that you realize yeah its bad. Somehow you overcome it time and time again. Wheres our "x" week token/chip for remaining symptom free? Where are the tokens for utilizing our CBT skills? Wheres the reminder of " yeah, you're doing really good

510.2lbs . Straight to the point. My weight was up a few. Two weeks in a row. Last week eating wasn't great. The numbers could actually have been worse. After spending two days eating cheez-its do-to that power outage, I really made a go of it after. Mostly processed junk. I ate pretty much everything I was supposed to avoid. I'm over it now and am ready to move forward with that unusual week behind me. I think my greatest issue was sodium and lack of water. A real one-two punch. I suspect that getting my water back in order alone, will help me lose the weight I gained. And eating a set amount of  calories daily will help me drop even more.

I need more. or at least, one. I have great friends, but when I'm having an internal meltdown, when I'm having a total crisis about everything and nothing, when I'm on the verge of ending it all, when I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance, when everything is going wrong, when I have a lot on my mind and just need to talk. There is no one, if I message you in crisis and you you respond 3 hours later, you aren't someone I can go to. But people say this all the time “if you ever need to talk” that’s what they say. That’s not what they mean. I don’t need someone I can access 24/7, that’s not realistic, but it would be nice if I could actually rely on someone. I have to get through everything on my own. Then I have therapy once a week, one day to get an entire week off my chest, while trying to learn new cognitive strategies to help me better deal with these on my own. Its a lot.