So What Do I Do?

I can't live without the internet, but its killing me. Some of my favorite people on Tumblr and Instagram trigger my body shame and self hatred. Its wanting to look like some of these people so bad. I just end up feeling disgusting and I end up binging my feelings and then I spiral into a very bad place. But without these platforms I also feel insignificant like I'm missing out. Like no one would notice or care if just disappeared one day.

I don't know what to do, I have kept going in extreme circles because of various trigger events. I'm just not happy with my body. I only look decent in that black hoodie. My fat placing makes my body so awkward I hate taking photos in bright or soft colors. There just doesn't seem to be away to get passed this.

I've considered just straight blogging. No internet usage aside from that. Delete all my social media apps and just stay away from the majority of the internet world. I know that if I do these it will initially be ve…

My Control

I realized today that the big eating holidays are right around the corner. Its trouble considering my recent history. That makes it even more important that I keep control over my eating and stay on track. 

I want to be able to eat freely on thanksgiving so I need to stay on track now so the damage won't send me higher than where I currently am now as of today 325, I went up to 334 after last weeks bender but now were back in good range. Now I just have to allow myself to break out of this bracket.
I took the day off from the gym today, plans to resume tomorrow. I have laid out some good meal plans for the foreseeable future that if I stick to will result in consistent loss. Of course consistency this year has not been great.
My mind is in the right place I will just have to truly fight my former self not to break routine.

Over The Glowing Hill, I Will Conquer

We are officially two days into my fast. Will I go for the full 72, its quite likely. My mind is in a very calm place.. Its almost like not eating at all is less stressful. Today I hit the gym once again, had a rather nice session too. 
I've been watching horror movies. 28 days later, 28 weeks later, I'll eventually get to dawn of the dead (2004), then fear the walking dead. Plus some other spooky flicks.

Not too much to report on.


So after a week of diet destruction I've decided I once again want to be skinny. So the journey continues. The past few days continued my binging bender. Yesterday I ate a dozen donuts among many other things. While feeling disgusted I decided I had enough. Food seems completely unappealing to me right now.

Ive decided to do a 48-72hr fast. While also hitting the gym. I've already hit the gym today and I'm feeling good. I'm terrified to step on the scale so I won't until Wednesday or Thursday. The goal is to occupy myself. Movies, music, gym etc. Once the fast is over. Its back to kicking ass and taking names. I'm no longer going to restrict myself. In fact I'm going to create a reward system. And an off day, that way everything doesn't seem so forbidden and taboo.

Bender day 3

Well it's day 3 of my descent into failed weight loss, total regain, precautionary tale. I've put two overloaded peanut butter and jelly sandwiches down my gullet, a banana and a yogurt. But who's keeping track lol. I'm not too scarred of going back to be 600lbs at the moment. Perhaps my time losing was only ment to be temporary. Like taking a college campus our. I was just here to get an idea of the experience but at the end of the day, go back home.

My plan is to binge out on chips today, buy a box of half dozen donuts and eat them all. And have a nice pizza for dinner


*This has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now and even though my recent post pretty much summed everything up. This does s better job*

I haven't posted much over the last several months mostly cause I have such little to say and feel so unmotivated to write. That being said, its been many highs and lows, my current weight is 324. I could be out of the 300s if not for the cycle of binge eating and desatructive restricting loop I got myself stuck in. Anytime ive been this close to breaking out of the 320s I do something that rockets me back into the 330s for weeks.

I think a large part of my lack of motivation is that I just don't feel like someone who has lost 200lbs and that's because all of my clothes are old, even the smaller stuff I have is old, it was either my brothers or my friends, but I really haven't had that moment where its like "wow." Me and my therapist were talking about this for several weeks, I really need a new wardrobe. I just cant affor…

The Dog Days Of Autumn

I've gone off the deep end. My weight has continued to yoyo because every time I get to a near new low, I immediately derail. Currently I've been on a two day long binge-eating bender. I can't seem to resist the urge to over indulge in sugary foods. Then once I do all bets are off I'm gulping down anything and everything.

My once patented ironclad willpower, gone, perished. Now I'm in limbo, I'm depressed and frustrated and I don't know if I can keep this up. I've been considering just diving back into the loving accepting arms of food.

I'm just in a place right now where either I'm fully in or fully out and I've been out for 2 days now and one foot out for weeks before that.

Well the good news I'm back to blogging.