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Coping

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For awhile now I've had this idea in my head that things were just a lot easier when I used food as a way to cope with any situation. You're supposed to replace that habit with something healthier when yo embark on a weight loss journey, but I just left an empty void there. A void that I believed at times was worth the weight because at least when I had a situation that was hard for me, I could instantly urn to food, it was always there to console me. This past week I gave up on my weight loss journey and truly dived into the deep end, I binged and binged, I had fast food, and sugary treats, you name it, all in excess.

One thing I told myself during all his is its nice to just be carefree again, its nice to have my confidant, food, back. I may end up miserable but at least at certain times I could make it go away while eating. The truth is, while I was doing all this binging and destructive eating I just felt empty, I kept waiting for that feeling of bliss and comfort I would…

Boom Boom Crash

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The Journey ended 7/25/17. I reached my breaking point with myself and just decided to call it quits. My heart is obviously not in it anymore. I've been on a food-bender ever since, eating what I can only assume are billions of calories a day, I haven't  been tracking. I guess you can say I'm completely prepared to revert back to my old self, both in size and habits. I had to deactivate my Instagram account because I just couldn't pretend everything was going okay, and because I really didn't want to let a lot of people down by announcing I was done. So its gone, as well as my Facebook.

So what now? There isn't much I can say beyond what I've already said, the journey I embarked on was too much, I gave it a go, but in the end my ideal self at my goal weight just wasn't possible, I'm just another failed attempt at weight loss, a precautionary tale really. Now I eat myself numb to oblivion.

Its over.

Dancing Through The Fire

Its been an interesting couple of days, I'm glad to say my eating is on point. Mental, that's another story. Our microwave died which is how I usually cook my veggies, well I decided to boil them on the stove the other day. As I sat in the kitchen watching the pot waiting for it to get to a boil, a fire suddenly ignited underneath the pot. Suddenly there were flames starting to consume the pot. At first I was so shocked at what had just unfolded, after all I originally planned to go back to my room and let the veggies tend to themselves, but I didn't!

A first wave of panic hit me, as I got up and saw the flame getting bigger. I removed the pot real quick before it would be completely engulfed. Once I had removed it all I could see was the fire engulfing the entire burner, I suddenly imagined the entire house burning down, if nothing else a completely destroyed kitchen. I literally said "oh no" several times as it was totally a bit overwhelming. Finally I snapped…

The REASON

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I have to lose this weight, I have to remember what I want. I want the  life I never had. I want to be able to enjoy things, to walk out in front of a crowd and not worry about if my weight is making them stare at me. I want to be able to buy cloths off any rack at virtually any store. I want to be able to fit in the rides at amusement parks, sit in the seats comfortably in movie theaters. I want to rediscover the world from a new perspective, I want so much more.

I have to get my focus back, I have to get my consistency back, I have to! I have to do it for me, for the guy that wrote those blog posts in 2015 at the precipice of complete and total mental implosion. He was so miserable all the time, physically and mentally, yet he kept on, he kept fighting because he had what he told himself was a delusion dream, but a dream nonetheless. That guy was so sad, he was so caged in, he was so hopeless, he would never believe how close we've come. I owe it to him to see this through to …

I Thought It Was Friday

The week has come to a conclusion, and I'm glad to say I've come out this end in a better place then when it started. My plans for the weekend included working out and watching something everyday, eating appropriately and avoid negative situations. That's it, its that simple! Also do my homework for therapy, but that's it.

When I started writing this I was a day ahead, but the reality of things its only Thursday! So upon the actual weekend the above are my plans.

With My Woes

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Anxiety, every so often I'll reach a point of heightened anxiety because of a collections of reasons that have been building up. There has been some disappointing news around here lately that really has me questioning humanity. My city has had a shocking rise in heroine usage, which consequently has led to a shocking number of overdoses. I don't know anyone on the drug, but a friend of mine has a younger brother who is an addict. Recently some county councilmen proposed a law that would allow EMS workers to refuse  to respond to overdose calls. Essentially let them die is his suggestion.  All because the drug Narcan is expensive (Narcan is used to treat these overdoes)

I cant begin to grasp the place of mind this individual must be in to so careleslys discard life like that. What's more shocking is some of the response I've seen regarding it. One person on Facebook said they think they should help them (overdoes) the 1st time, and none after that. One of my closer fri…

I Survived

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Somehow I did it, I made it through my 48hour fast. It was tough, but by the end I had entered a delirious phase that had me pondering how many addition days could I fast. The answer was 0, 0 more days. When I started this I was up to 337.8, now I'm back down to 328.4. The fast was a success, now I just have to remain in my calorie limit, not binge eat, and work out and I should be on the path of continued loss. Actually if I remain consistent I could be out of the 300's in a matter of weeks.

Take a look at the video below of an old peak-weight me. (notice the box of Little Debbie snack cakes?)

⚗️👀 #weightloss #weightlosshelp #weightlossjourney #weightlossprogress #healthandfitness #weightlossbeforeandafter #weightlossgoals #obesity #pretransformation A post shared by Brandon Hall (@brandonwholivesathome) on Jun 25, 2017 at 2:34pm PDT