Borderline Personality Disorder

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Sigh. Sometimes knowing which emotions are real and which aren’t feels impossible. The extreme-ness of this condition is overwhelming. I’m constantly over-reacting internally. My mood playing jump-rope and changing with every loop. Am I a bad person? Does having BPD make me inherently bad? 

Yesterday I had one of my signature emotion-based overreactions. A frivolous accident occurred, a slipping of one’s mind really, but I implied the person involved did it on purpose. Granted I was warranted being upset, but part of me knew it was just a simple mistake, but I couldn’t regulate the intense hurt and venom I felt and after calling them out I threw in “you probably did it on purpose!” Why, why did I do that? Now said, unsaid person isn’t talking to me. Even if part of me genuinely did feel like it was deliberate, I used a “you” statement, I know better than that. You statements just make people defensive. 

Now I’m stuck between all these extreme emotions, the original hurt and venom, the guilt and shame, and also resentment, toward me and them. I’ve had the craziest thoughts. Like “I could just kill myself, that’ll show them, they’ll never get over that, and I want them to know it’s their fault and to blame themselves”. Yeah, pretty f****ing demented. I wonder how it’s possible to just think and feel like that. I have pretty severe depression admittedly. I already deal with suicidal ideation and thoughts, so these insane thought processes  aren’t just smoke and mirrors. It’s always in the realm of possibilities. I still believe that at some point I will go through with something. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to defeat this depression. When things get particularly rough, there is this macabre comfort knowing that I have “a way out” there’s a way to be done with it all, there is away to avoid this or that.

BPD & Depression & ADHD & Anxiety is a rather lethal combo. Each one of those increases suicide risk on an individual basis, but combine all 4 and you have something rather extraordinary. Sometimes I feel like I’m beating the odds just by being alive.

I’ve completely lost where I was going with all this. I suppose it doesn’t even matte. It never does I suppose 

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