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Showing posts from May 24, 2015

Chubby Puppy Pug

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😱 A Close Encounter Of The Worst Kind

The good the bad and the ugly about yesterday

Let's start with the good. I woke up feeling quite a bit more high spirited than I had in recent memory. I got up got my morning started, had breakfast, and waited for my ride to take me to my appointment. The ride there is quite relaxing, I've learned to like the fact that it's out of town. I enjoy the ride, and the chit chat me and my case worker have on the way up. All things were fine and dandy. When we arrived at the main office, I signed in and had a seat, she made her way behind faculty doors to discuss who knows what. I waited for my appointment.

As I sat in the lobby amongst other patients, I noticed as people came in out of of the door I entered, sometimes down, and in through the various other halls and entrances of the facility. At some point an individual came into the main door. I looked over at him, thought nothing of him, looked away, then he announced his named, both his name, and his voice sounded familiar I t…

the Non-Pooping Fiend

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Today I actually went walking at the park with my friend after my psychiatrist appointment (just wait until I fill you in on that mess! Tomorrow), it was a rough one, the walk I mean (though certainly the other applies too). The heat totally zapped my energy and enthusiasm, but I wasn't exactly into it from the start. I could not do the entire track. Did the longest part but not the additional half mile. We cut down  the park where the lakes is and there were a ton of geese. I envied the one smart enough to stay In the water, the other ones were fools, also pooping fools, so much poop on the walking path (and of varying consistency), what were these people feeding the geese, what ever it was was clearly going straight through them! It was like playing hopscotch trying to avoid stepping into anything. 

Yet To Be Titled

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As mentioned previously, I've accepted a challenge by the talented (and previously unmentioned!) Kyra, that challenge is to walk every day and draw something you seen along the way, or something that inspired you along the way. Today's walk was, undesirable, it's been grey out all day, potential thunderstorms looming, but incredibly humid. I hate that combo!



Note to self:I really do need to find my MP3 Player! I really am not fond of walking with my thoughts alone, and ambient neighborhood sounds!

Something

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Well yesterday was just one of those days. There were two silver linings, one, fell asleep shockingly early, and two,  I slept like a baby.

Yesterday I heard my mother on the phone with my relatives from North Carolina, she was saying how much she missed it and how much fun she'd had, but was glad she came back, because I was in "a bad zone again" I was the topic of discussion for a good deal of time. I'm not sure why she bothered to share the information she was sharing, and usually this would bother me a great deal, these people couldn't even be bothered ask about me, but they get to know  how totally messed up I am anyways? Anyways mom was unaware I was listening. Since I was about 15 I've always had a heightened awareness of telephone calls and tend to hone into those conversations, mom often thinks I'm being nosey, but the truth is, ever since my oldest brother called my mom that fateful night, on a high speed car chase fleeing from cops, I've a…

Nothing

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Therapy was a total bust today, so much so that I may never go back! I highly doubt I will!

My orthotics have been giving me discomfort in my toes, counterproductive, so today at my podiatrist appointment, my doctor took them back for further adjusting.

I had to refill a prescription today... Walking up to the office I kept seeing mys reflection in their massive showcase windows, that guy.... He looks no different than the guy I was last freaking year! Ive been through this a million times! It's amazing how insignificant a reflection can make numbers.

I am having such a hard time coping with my life! I just don't know!

I see my psychiatrist Friday. I know nothing will come of it....

I don't know how to get out of this, the longer I'm in it the more desperate I am to get out of it.

I spent another day just laying in bed again yesterday.

It might be time I delete Facebook again... I had some triggers the other day because a selfie a certain thin friend of mine posted.

I…

I Could Use Some Variation

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Whats going on with this journey of mine!? The only consistent thing I've been doing is... Well... Losing weight, if not painstakingly slow, but that was the point of this whole journey. I'm so distracted by so many other negative elements. I'm drowning! I'm feeling hopeless. This emotional whirlwind I've been trapped in wont let up. I have a dark secret I kept from you guys about last weekend. I'm hesitant to share it. Maybe down the line.
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I entered this week with the same hair as last week, no new shell. Wouldn't it be funny if I changed my hair and found a whole new lease on life? Yeah right, it's an interesting parallel though. As if my hair was some kind of subconscious connection to my current emotional being, renewing one, renewed the other. Life should be so simple.
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Memorial Monday, The Weigh-In & More

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It's Memorial Day here in the States, a day for honoring those who gave their lives in the armed forces. Parades will be had, fireworks too, people will be visiting memorial sites of falling heroes, and having barbecues with their families, friends, and communities. I didn't realize until recently how much I enjoyed this holiday as a kid. The feeling of patriotism, community and tradition. I remember the school field trips I used to go on as a child to historical sites, where they made monuments, and statues. I was simply too young to appreciate the sights then. I remember as a young teen going to local corporate-funded parade with the same pack of friends I have now. I remember eating so many BBQ hot dogs once.

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I talked to my mom last night, she called me via Google Hangouts, we chatted briefly. She's been having a great time in North Carolina, and I…

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I spent my Saturday in bed, once I arrived home and settled in. I listened to music, and laid with my thoughts. A most terrifying, haunting thought came to me sometime during the night. What if my irrelevance to people at large, isn't related to obesity, but it's just, me. That would mean losing the weight wouldn't change my importance to people like I thought. Ill be just as forgotten and overlooked. This thought made a  segway  into another. What if I don't develop that better personality? What if I lose the weight and I'm still me?


This haze seems to be lasting longer than previous spells. Maybe I'm becoming the haze, maybe I am the haze.