-+

-
I spent my Saturday in bed, once I arrived home and settled in. I listened to music, and laid with my thoughts. A most terrifying, haunting thought came to me sometime during the night. What if my irrelevance to people at large, isn't related to obesity, but it's just, me. That would mean losing the weight wouldn't change my importance to people like I thought. Ill be just as forgotten and overlooked. This thought made a  segway  into another. What if I don't develop that better personality? What if I lose the weight and I'm still me?


This haze seems to be lasting longer than previous spells. Maybe I'm becoming the haze, maybe I am the haze.

Popular posts from this blog

Move Along Move Along, Just To Make It Through

-
Image
The title, lyrics from one of my favorite bands and one of my favor songs, The All-American Reject's Move Along . It randomly popped up in my head at just the right time. I'm not going to give up, I pretty much see how sort of ridiculous my feelings have been the last 48 hours. Lifestyle changes are not easy, it took me 27 years, 27 years of gradually weight gain to put me here, and its not going to be lost over night, not even in a year, but a lot can be done in a year, more in two, and so on, and so on. I have to keep sight of what I want, and that is to be thinner, happier and healthier. Going back to work will be a new obstacle Ill have to adjust to, Ill have to endure the looks, the stares, the embarrassment, Ill have to live through my worst fears all over again, but I know these are the last of them, these are the final years of these bad experiences. Because I'm going to continuing losing weight, and the people and actions that intend to bring me down, will, but won
Read more

My Food Is My Drug, I'll Be Usin' For The Rest Of My Life

-
Image
I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints
Read more

Seems Ive Survived The Week

-
Image
Yesterday at work I only had to do computer training, I wasn't on my feet much at all, and yet they still hurt, just not severely. I was happy to get off, and yet emotionally miserable the ride home. When I arrived home and got inside, I headed to my room, and just did a genuine smile, I was glad to see my safe zone. Yesterday was a pretty emotional day (as many of you seen) , I never did end up calling that hotline, and likely wont, I just cant picture it doing me any good, what can they really do? Listen? I don't know. I'm not feeling as dark today, but I still wouldn't say my mental state has improved. However I'm glad to say I'm off until Tuesday, this may seem great, but I kind of feel like its bad. Having this time off then jumping back in, I'm sure by sometime Sunday night, things will start weighing heavy on me again. You know I didn't think Id ever be back at this point, honestly. Last summer I was a similar dark place, and I had no outlet
Read more

Archive

Show more